2017 in fishlens

Looking back at 2017 in a nutshell, what the year has done for me? Good, Bad & the Ugly. But, i made it through. I am still alive, I conquered the year and I am not alone. If you are reading this, you have also conquered the year.

Give yourself a pat, and everyone around you. We made it through the tough year. We grow into better humans, we fell and we picked ourselves up. We fought and we fought hard.

I am thankful to be alive, to be still alive. To be loved and to love others. I am thankful. I am thankful for the mistakes that i have made, the bad things i have done. For without them, i wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t be able to work on my mistakes, work on myself, work on being a better person to everyone (i am still working on it).

I got engaged in July, one of the happiest event in 2017. I lost my boyfriend and had a fiancé instead. I found my source of strength, home and love in one person- Mark.

I unofficially graduated done with university in August, I got my first job in August and quit after 10 days. That month was rough, it was really bad.

I found myself another job in September (my current job actually) which pays me lesser but I like the environment and I found it, without help from family (which matters to me). And of course, i am definitely in tune with this job than the previous one (it was a good job but i wasn’t suited to it).

And of course there’s many hiccups, plenty of downtimes happening to me, to my loved ones. It’s the bad stuff that allows the good stuff to happen and make us appreciate the good moments. And as for my anxiety, it’s never going away.

I have accepted the fact that it is a huge weakness of mine but while i am still working to make it as my strength, I am doing my best to make sure it doesn’t get worse.Now that it’s day 2 of 2018, it’s gonna be another rollercoaster ride of shit and farting rainbow.

I am still learning to value my life more, to love others better and to keep praying that my darkness could go away bit by bit everyday so I could be a better version of myself and that the past me will be proud of what i have achieved, even if it’s in baby steps.



twenty sixteen ;

Dear 2016,

A toast as we have reach the last page of your book, you have been a remarkable year for my loved ones, friends and myself. 

I had fell down a lot, teared countless times, stressed and melted into an emotional mess but nevertheless it’s been a year’s worth of lessons. I may not have utilize every single day to its fullest, but i am still keeping my momentum going. The new year will be a more productive year, i promise. 

I feel blessed to be able to meet new people, having new friends brought into my social circle and not to mention, meeting a special person who brought love back into my life, making me feel alive once again. To be able to reconnect with old friends and reconcile with friends who are worth it is no doubt, a bonus too.

I hadn’t been on my best mental form recently however that is not going to deter me from continuing to inhale positive vibes, improve my mental state and health. Baby steps is basically still progress eh?

Let’s all continue to strive better and live boldly .


monsters within


it’s one of those days i just want to stay indoors and not step outside to deal with humans. Spent the past hour giving some thought about the upcoming new year, the things i need to get done and the things i want to do. 2017 is round the corner & i am not coming up with any New Year Resolutions, all i want is a safe , blessed and healthy year for my loved ones and friends. Hadn’t been sleeping well when nightmares cause a disturbance on alternate nights plus i feel so emotionally disturbed and sensitive recently.

I feel so disturbed by my emotions that i am considering visiting my Dr. if it continues to be erratic. I am monitoring my emotions and anxiety closely, hoping it won’t blend into something more. The more scared i am , the more vulnerable i will be to those mental monsters. Think healthy, live healthy.

While i am looking forward to the arrival of the new year, i can’t help but feel a little worried knowing prelims will head my way a little over February. i am still behind in grasping the contents of my modules so yeah, not prepared at all. Then again, when am i ever prepared? Nah-uh.

Academic aside, relationship wise… Mark’s having his internship till February so we don’t really have a lot of time together. Then again, working life is like this for most couples. And when end February comes, it will be the new season of our LDR. *inhales*

Everyone’s looking forward to Friday, cruising through the start of X’mas and countdown to year end eh? Well nonetheless, Merry Jolly X’mas & a Wonderful Blessed New Year to you.





broken bones grow back stronger

“I’m at the point where i can go from feeling so much to so little in an instant. My emotions are all disarray. I feel like my veins are pumping potential energy, heart beat-beat-beating in anticipation for all the things that are about to happen in my life. 

Growing up is weird. I’m learning and changing and evolving and it doesn’t feel like summer that passes and it’s August and you’re wondering where all the time went… every day i feel time whizzing past; if the hands on the clock rotate any faster it’ll fly off my desk and out the window. 

I am so many things, and I’m training my eyes to find possibility in every second, to not let time get away from me, to not let myself live in a time that hasn’t even come yet. There is so much i want to do, so much i want to see, so much i want to create, so much i want to be.

I’m chasing light and I’m discovering who i am and what i want to do and how i want to live and I’m aching to praise my God with every breath.”

Eighteen years poetry Madisen Kuhn

This is one of her many poems in the book that is deep and carved with depth. Every second you breathe, you are alive. Show gratitude and be thankful for what you have in your hands- Life. And if you are broken, you will mend and you will heal. Be it broken hearts or broken bones, you will move on and become stronger than you were before.

Moving on,


some of us may be told that we are a bunch of (hopeless) fucked ups and when you think about it, it takes a fucked up to identify a fellow fucked-up. We are all fucked up in our own unique ways, the ability to fuck things up is what makes us human. It’s embedded in us like an identity, both you and me too. That’s the wicked reality setting that we are born in.

“How’s you and Mark? You guys are so sweet.”

This is a belated thing that just popped into my mind which a friend asked me recently. We are not so sweet. There are down times. In fact if there’s no bad days at all, the relationship is almost fictitious. The good and bad days coexist.

We are not a couple full of sweetness that gives outsiders emotional diabetes. Speaking of sweetness, there are some people who “advertises” their relationship with farting rainbow bunnies (not literal) daily on Instagram, that is sugar overload. It’s alright to have a lot of love & affection for each other but is it really necessary to proclaim your love daily on social media? There are other means in showing your love right? (No intention to insult/offend any one out there, it’s just my opinion)

Mark and I have our fair share of bad weather days.We weather through the bad times, we enjoy through the good times. And to be honest, bad days plays an important part. It’s through the bad days i am more ascertain of what i want in the relationship, in myself, in him and also what i need to work on (though i admit i am a stubborn snail taking baby steps). And because we are in a LDR, it’s a little harder & longer to resolve our problems because we don’t get to physically to talk it out. Communication has to be done through our mutual best friend- SKYPE. So no, we are not so sweet at all. We are just a boring couple who is going through the LDR cycle right now. Not easy but not alone & step by step.


thoughts have not been put to sleep


Still not sleeping well, i am functioning with low mana. Infused with anxiety, it only adds on to the fatigue. I don’t even have the appetite to eat much either. All i wanna do is snuggle into the arms of that one person who is approximately 6060 kilometers away.


took on another tuition assignment which will commence on Saturday, having second thoughts i don’t know why despite feeling more assured knowing i am able to earn a little extra money to aid my bleeding bank account. Hope i am a lot better by Saturday. I am considering whether to quit my Saturday morning part time job soon, the manager is pretty understanding and DOESN’T MICRO-MANAGE unlike one of the colleagues. And they are under-staff (why am i not surprise) i see new faces every Saturday,  so well. Perhaps it’d be better to stay on a little while more?


4 more days to D-day. A complete killjoy. The storm is coming and i am worried + terrified. Bags of Anxiety IV drip to be injected into my system as the thoughts start inviting themselves to stay.




chapter break 

Not speaking says more than all the words in the world. — Colleen Hoover

One course of action leads to another. Plans thrown away, words erased and everything gets swept away. All to wasteland. A painting of life goes into the trash. Some things cannot be recovered once in the trash. 

F i c t i o n , sheryl. Wake the fuck up and look around you. It’s dead and all gone. What in the world are you doing?

What’s the point in hoping? What’s the point in planning ahead / thinking ahead? Can plans be eaten and digested? I wish.If people were to question about the future, i’d reply that i can’t see the future at all. If there was supposedly one, there is nothing inside at all now.

John Green said pain demands to be felt and that quote is true. For the pain to go away? All you need is a greater pain to take that pain away. And bruises come in different ways.

Numbing every single atom of emotion inside , all that’s left is a thorn inside that can’t be removed.

Not everything in life ends with us. 

Word vomitted a lot more than this but i kept on deleting, this is the definitely longest post i ever take to publish.

I hate my mind. I hate the voice. I hate the bruises. I hate the emotions. I hate me. And i hate you, heart. I fucking hate you. 


back to the distance

dear john

slowly adapting back to the long distance Skype calls, i still miss the physical presence of Mark.  Those relationships that made it through after more than 2 years of LDR are amazing. It’s joint hard-work of both parties. People tend to question why go through the pain of long distance? Why not just forgo the relationship and look for another instead?

When you are with someone, a part of you would know whether this person is going to be your forever and if the person is actually worthy of your time, tears and heart. And if he is worth it, why let him go? Would you be able to find a similar person who gives you the exact feeling? If he is worth it, he is definitely no doubt worth the distance. Distance is just a figure, it’s the feelings of both parties that ultimately matters. It’s important to be on the same page with your significant other at all times, if not it’s time to reassess the relationship and have a heartfelt talk.

love and other drugs, if only these two can date IRL

And I’ve finally secure a tuition assignment that commences tomorrow evening. It’s one bus stop away from home, a little wary since it’s located in Geylang. Hope the condominium area is not that remote and of course even better if the family is friendly and good people.


May tomorrow’s first lesson go well, bank account is still bleeding profusely as i typed. I’d be guilty as charged if i have been spending my money on clothes and bags, but no. The money’s been going to food, food, food and books. Keeping a lookout for another assignment, would be good if i could juggle two students when school resumes in September.

friends assure me i won’t fail all my modules but i honestly think that faith can’t help me at this point in time. It’s not making me feel any better at all. So faith? Nah.


21 more days. For now, let me just be fat, tired and lazy. Sleeping problems are slowly creeping in again, sigh pie.


Is this the month where all my old (healthy) friends in my life start coming in and reconnect? Strange isn’t it? I suppose it’s kind of a good sign?




LDR season 2 begins

we are all imperfect humans. we are all flawed. we are all bodies of mistakes turned lessons. we are all capable of loving.

Heart aching badly after Mark left. Season 2 of long distance begins. Managed to suppress the overwhelming sadness all the way home, i could feel the emptiness pouring in already. 

Sure, we’d see each other soon before we know it but each time we say our temporary goodbyes, it’s emotionally painful. And not any couple can relate on the similar level. LDR couples out there, hang in there💪🏻. 

It’s a warmth tingling feeling when you are emotionally synced to your partner. 

On the side note, what are the odds that your boyfriend’s sister’s boyfriend went to the same high school as you and was in the same graduating batch? My world has significantly became smaller. Bumped into zoucong and ruhong at the airport earlier. They reeked of working adults experience and comfortable confidence. I feel like i am a few years younger around them, mm. Glad to see them doing well, i am still recognizable to old classmates that’s kinda nice. And AJ have officially graduated! Congrats! Up next, Koey☺️.

I miss my boyfriend. It’s only the first night of LDR season 2 and i am already feeling like this. Will i still be able to sleep well? The ones who feel too much feel it all . 

And…Terrified of 15th of August. D-day. Twenty three more days before reality burn me right to the toes.


Update: it’s almost 4am and i still can’t sleep despite feeling quite exhausted. Swollen eyes and the tears tap kept leaking. Missing his warmth and presence.


interrupted growth

It never gets easier. At all. When a problem gets agonising enough, we try to find ways to tackle the problem or make the problem less problematic / make it more easing but there’s always bound to be constraints and objections. 

I know they can’t relate but i don’t know how else to get them to understand and try to put themselves in my shoes. 

It’s not like i never put myself in their shoes. 

I am a natural worrier and a (very) paranoid human, my thoughts go to places and to different scenarios and i will always put myself in others’ shoes first. 

So how can i possibly not think how they feel , judge , say? It affects me. Their objections and all. It’s not the least surprising at all. And it hurts because they don’t understand , they don’t bother to. All they do is stick to their own opinions, jump into conclusions and my explanation to them will basically be invalid and immature. Oh and not sensible at all. 

It was like that too during my severe depression period. All my words go to the drain, their opinions and advice is always more valid because they are older, they have more life experiences. No, that is totally base on individual subjectively. And on top of that when i was depressed whatever my opinions were, it was deemed as invalid. I was seen as incapable of deciding / doing things properly , emotionally handicapped = unable to do anything right. I was like a walking time bomb and everyone didn’t know how to be themselves around me and when i show signs of little of my old self, they take it as i have recovered. 

Have they ever put themselves in my shoes back then when i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder? Have they did a thorough research on understanding both conditions? No and no. Did they take my emotional state for granted? Yes.

Tell me, which parent would actually be able to digest the fact immediately that their child has a mental condition fully without questioning that the kid might just be acting out and wanting attention? 

I am 23 going on 24. Surely i have gone through a fair amount of shit enough for my opinions and decisions to be valid. But no, apparently not. 

Yeah, i am probably seen as a person whose head is underwater, who is completely love blind and don’t have a clear mind.

I am an immature selfish kid who can’t manage her life the way they want it to be.

Yeah, i am better off being single not have any boyfriend, home bound all day and night study. That’s the perfect ideal child ain’t it not? 

Arya Stark calls herself as a girl with no name. Me? I am the girl with no say , bound to their opinions. 

I hate july . This is just the beginning, how wonderful. Done with my lengthy word vomit. 

And also back to complete shut them out mode.