when reality rear its ugly head
in the night in the darkness
you don’t have a safe house to seek cover
you can only brace yourself
count your fingers and toes
and hope reality won’t fuck you over badly
when it injects a dose of unhappiness and stress
into your bloodstream
waiting you to succumb to its poison
-thoughts in my head
the abundance flow of stress and worry in my system never fails my mind nor my train of thoughts. Exams are a little more than two months away, my speed in memorizing my theory contents is so slow. I’ve been studying almost everyday, exception of days where I’ve to drag my lazy ass to school, like today for instance. But it’s still not good enough. My brain is really working like a snail, a snail who is on the brink of retirement.
the fear of failing is written in my bones. what if i can’t graduate? i am not academically smart at all. my job hunting searches would all go to the drain. i didn’t imagine to be in this situation at this age when i was 16/17.
Not having proper sleep either, i am feeling so damn exhausted and barely functioning properly in the day. I don’t get to choose to fall asleep, my mind dictates that for me. And it’s been being an A bitch by keeping my brain occupied through the hours of the night. Believe me, i yearn for proper sleep.
the job hunting is still fruitless, i had sent out my resumes to many companies and it looks like i will not have a job for quite a while. I AM NOT WORTHY. feeding on houseflies and relying heavily on tutoring for the time being. It’s little, all i have to do is spend a lot more time at home brooding. Sounds fun enough, pfft. Of course, i am taking all these lightly, the real sinking panic hadn’t set in. Exams – #1 priority and worry. It’s okay to encounter job opportunities setbacks. Ain’t discouraged, yet.
Vampire Diaries ended, it felt like it was an end of an era or some sorts. I didn’t continue watch after season 4 & when i watched the series finale last week, SERIOUSLY. Damon and Elena did not have a conversation AT ALL throughout the last episode. So much for Damon working so hard to bring Elena back.
And that, it is the end of the Vampire era for now.
All is well, all will be well. Keep studying, Sheryl. You are almost reaching the finishing line, May will arrive soon. Fuel up your tank and keep the momentum going.
Have a good weekend ahead, earthlings.
it’s one of those days i just want to stay indoors and not step outside to deal with humans. Spent the past hour giving some thought about the upcoming new year, the things i need to get done and the things i want to do. 2017 is round the corner & i am not coming up with any New Year Resolutions, all i want is a safe , blessed and healthy year for my loved ones and friends. Hadn’t been sleeping well when nightmares cause a disturbance on alternate nights plus i feel so emotionally disturbed and sensitive recently.
I feel so disturbed by my emotions that i am considering visiting my Dr. if it continues to be erratic. I am monitoring my emotions and anxiety closely, hoping it won’t blend into something more. The more scared i am , the more vulnerable i will be to those mental monsters. Think healthy, live healthy.
While i am looking forward to the arrival of the new year, i can’t help but feel a little worried knowing prelims will head my way a little over February. i am still behind in grasping the contents of my modules so yeah, not prepared at all. Then again, when am i ever prepared? Nah-uh.
Academic aside, relationship wise… Mark’s having his internship till February so we don’t really have a lot of time together. Then again, working life is like this for most couples. And when end February comes, it will be the new season of our LDR. *inhales*
Everyone’s looking forward to Friday, cruising through the start of X’mas and countdown to year end eh? Well nonetheless, Merry Jolly X’mas & a Wonderful Blessed New Year to you.
met up with Denise for dinner on Monday night, she couldn’t mask her surprise and curiosity after i gave her heartfelt advice on life-mainly relationships. “What happen to you? You have become the relationship guru.” I remembered her words. Nope, i don’t earn the title of being a relationship guru. You don’t need to experience 10 relationships to give relationship advice to a person.
It’s just lessons and observations on people around you. I know i have changed in terms of my malleable perspective on Life. My mindset have began to shift slowly and i feel it’s quite a healthy change in someways.Denise was a little taken back when i had shown a different attitude towards Life and i was giving off an emotionally healthy vibe. The previous time we met up was when i was still struggling to fight with my depression, emotions and also dealing with unhealthy relationships (friendships included).
It wasn’t the healthy time of my emotional state at all. Now i am different. Things have changed, my emotional health have significantly improved. The things we go through changes us, it reshapes our personality , our thoughts and it makes our perspective more malleable than it already is. And for me, to be able to feel alive again is almost like a miracle that knocked onto the wrong door. I am nevertheless grateful with what i have in life presently right now.
I do hold some resentment towards myself for giving Depression and Anxiety the chance to ruin my mental health for about two years but now that i think about it, it isn’t completely horrible after going through that mental hell. At least i know what hell truly feels like mentally and i could differentiate – emotionally healthy and emotionally unhealthy. I feel that i am able to contain my negativity better and use it as a strength instead of a weakness against myself. That’s a step to living in the light right?
Should those two former best mental buddies of mine come to pay me a visit again, at least i could hold the initial defense a lot longer. Nobody said they’d be gone forever, it’s all hard mental work on the individual as well as external factors.
Started the new school year today and gee, i am feeling a drop of stress with my Financial Reporting module already. With my lecturer bringing up the word EXAM on the first day, red flags got flagged in my mind. It’s going to be a tedious triathlon (Assignment, Prelim & Exam in my context) at a land mine. I need to fuel up. I hope my other module will be less intimidating. It’s only the first week of senior year, jeez.
Meanwhile, i am still contemplating how to phrase my resignation explanation nicely so i can notify my manager tomorrow. She is nice but the environment is not healthy enough to keep me any later than October. If i could leave earlier that would be even better but well, one month’s notice. Will have to bear with another few more hectic Saturdays.
Drink up your water and eat plenty fruits, peeps. Happy Midweek !
tempted to purchase Melissa Molomo’s book but it cost about 40USD with shipping (all the way from NY)- no kindle version, ugh. Love her words, they are the hard truths plus positive motivating vibes. Click here to check out her Instagram.
“I’m at the point where i can go from feeling so much to so little in an instant. My emotions are all disarray. I feel like my veins are pumping potential energy, heart beat-beat-beating in anticipation for all the things that are about to happen in my life.
Growing up is weird. I’m learning and changing and evolving and it doesn’t feel like summer that passes and it’s August and you’re wondering where all the time went… every day i feel time whizzing past; if the hands on the clock rotate any faster it’ll fly off my desk and out the window.
I am so many things, and I’m training my eyes to find possibility in every second, to not let time get away from me, to not let myself live in a time that hasn’t even come yet. There is so much i want to do, so much i want to see, so much i want to create, so much i want to be.
I’m chasing light and I’m discovering who i am and what i want to do and how i want to live and I’m aching to praise my God with every breath.”
– Eighteen years poetry Madisen Kuhn
This is one of her many poems in the book that is deep and carved with depth. Every second you breathe, you are alive. Show gratitude and be thankful for what you have in your hands- Life. And if you are broken, you will mend and you will heal. Be it broken hearts or broken bones, you will move on and become stronger than you were before.
some of us may be told that we are a bunch of (hopeless) fucked ups and when you think about it, it takes a fucked up to identify a fellow fucked-up. We are all fucked up in our own unique ways, the ability to fuck things up is what makes us human. It’s embedded in us like an identity, both you and me too. That’s the wicked reality setting that we are born in.
“How’s you and Mark? You guys are so sweet.”
This is a belated thing that just popped into my mind which a friend asked me recently. We are not so sweet. There are down times. In fact if there’s no bad days at all, the relationship is almost fictitious. The good and bad days coexist.
We are not a couple full of sweetness that gives outsiders emotional diabetes. Speaking of sweetness, there are some people who “advertises” their relationship with farting rainbow bunnies (not literal) daily on Instagram, that is sugar overload. It’s alright to have a lot of love & affection for each other but is it really necessary to proclaim your love daily on social media? There are other means in showing your love right? (No intention to insult/offend any one out there, it’s just my opinion)
Mark and I have our fair share of bad weather days.We weather through the bad times, we enjoy through the good times. And to be honest, bad days plays an important part. It’s through the bad days i am more ascertain of what i want in the relationship, in myself, in him and also what i need to work on (though i admit i am a stubborn snail taking baby steps). And because we are in a LDR, it’s a little harder & longer to resolve our problems because we don’t get to physically to talk it out. Communication has to be done through our mutual best friend- SKYPE. So no, we are not so sweet at all. We are just a boring couple who is going through the LDR cycle right now. Not easy but not alone & step by step.
Attended Koey’s graduation yesterday, Congratulations! You earned it 😊. Had dinner with uni clique at Mu Parlour which was strangely empty (the food was just average only). & oh boy i was so freaking tired after i reached home.
Spending my friday lazing in my bat cave, tomorrow is another busy tuition day. Sigh. Hope the kids behave and do their work dilligently. I feel like an old lady. When i was younger, fridays to weekends were drinking nights. The hype to bask in alcohol , listen to local bands performing pop covers and occasional club visits to get high. Now? I just wanna be a lazy tubby cat at home. Those days were like a phase, a transition from being a carefree young adult to a more mature young adult.
Finally gonna settle school stuff next week, hope the enrollment for final year goes smoothly. Monday dinner with choir clique it’s been 7 years+ since i last seen a few of them, it’s gonna be a nostalgic night. It shouldn’t be that awkward i hope? Maybe.
13 more days meanwhile.
“Remembering is dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place. “The Past Tense,” I suppose you’d call it.
Memory’s so treacherous. One moment you’re lost in a carnival of delights, with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candy-floss… the next, it leads you somewhere you don’t want to go.
Somewhere dark and cold, filled with the damp ambiguous shapes of things you’d hoped were forgotten. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose.” ― Alan Moore,
The quote above is pretty relatable, isn’t it?
it’s Sunday, is it the end of another week or the start of a new week?
just finished watching “The Shawshank Redemption” starring Morgan Freeman, it’s an old movie – ’94 , but whoa it’s good. No wonder it’s #1 on IMDB. (Thanks for picking this movie for the night, Mark) The movie gives me a better understanding of life imprisonment inmates and you’d be surprise the life lessons you can actually pick up from the movie. And not forgetting some good quotes. Damnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I am not a believer of hope (pertaining to matters relating to myself) but i have to agree with this quote. Hope is something that others can’t touch. It belongs to you and each one of us has that inside us like a burning flame, as much as i choose not to believe in it. And hope becomes a brighter light if you keep it burning in the darkness.
This is pretty much how we individuals tend to sometimes feel on those bad days don’t we? Mine is pretty much self-created. I created the tornado and i am about to get swallow by it. Just another 8 more days. Even sleep is not exactly helping when my dreams are related to school as well.
Get busy living or get busy dying. Focus on your dreams and keep going.
It’s okay, most of us have been at that stage at some point in our lives. It will get better in time. We walk out of it after taking all the time we need. So will you. And so will you.