failure is the way forward

it’s getting harder each passing day. 

23 days since i had my first job, 7 days since i resigned from my first job. I am back to being unemployed, engaged and bonus, final tertiary results was released 8 days ago and i am officially done with school.

my first job as a headhunter wasn’t easy. People tend to think a recruiter is an easy to do job, you just have to keep calling and all sorts. There is a difference between a recruitment agency and executive search firm (which most people always tend to think they are the same). Different tier, due diligence process is different as well. The stress level is similar but the fear level is a whole lot scarier, in my case.

The area i have to deal with , the candidates are not fresh graduates, not diploma holders, not young adults. Nowhere near my age even. They are the senior practitioners, those being in the field even before i was born / crawling. COO, Managing Director, Associate Director the list goes on. And their annual pay is like 250K-300K kinda figures (can you feel my pressure and fear when i talk to them on the phone?) They are the warriors, the ones who fought hard in the field for years. I feel like a mouse when i talk to them. 

I was sad that i had to break the contract with the company (the colleagues & boss are nice people) that i actually teared up after leaving but I know, I wasn’t suited for the nature of the job. It was detrimental to the company’s resources and time as well as my mental health whereby i had to visit my doctor again. Just think about all the crying every night when i go to sleep and every morning before i go to work, i was worse than a kid going to school on his first day.  

All that crying built up a lot of anxiety (self-induced) that caused me to not be able to sleep well. I perform alright at work in fact, the boss did try to persuade me to stay. But to me, my well-being comes before money and my career (even though i sound very selfish and self-centered right?)

I was reunited (not a happy reunion) with my old friends – the anxiety pills but of course i wasn’t prescribed anti-depressants because i didn’t have unhealthy thoughts. 

I feel like i am slapped back to square one where the job hunt continues every day and waiting by the phone, waiting for an interview call-in vain.  It’s tough and demoralizing to see more and more of my friends are already securing jobs and doing well whereas here i am, back in limbo or some thing. 

I have to constantly keep myself occupied in the day so that my thoughts won’t wonder as it would only make my anxiety grow bigger. I need to be stronger and not cave in to the anxiety and fear of making mistakes.

At the same time, i keep telling myself it’s for the better that i had resigned. As much as the company was really good and all, it wasn’t healthy for my mental health and I was affecting my loved ones despite good work performance. I wouldn’t say i have no regrets, i do have regrets. I wished i was mentally stronger or be able to sweep the anxiety under the carpet, but that’s not the case. 

And of course my Mom in particular wasn’t happy about me leaving because she thinks in a more “economical” / “practical” sense with the not so active job market and it’s Q4 of 2017 it’s harder to secure a job blah blah. So in a nutshell, she’s disappointed with me that i could feel her disappointment looming over me whenever she’s home. 

But really, which is more important? I love my family, i do. And i know how important money plays a part in surviving. 

I just wish… people of that generation could understand better and not undermine the power of anxiety. 

I know i put a lot of pressure on myself and most of the time it’s coming from myself. I need to pursue my career with baby steps. 

And the wait continues. 

x

 

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resolve

everybody know and encounter stress,
but nobody feels stress the exact same way.

it does takes a lot of courage,
to feel a lot of things,
to leave behind a lot of things.

i am beginning to find mine,
through the stress,
through the shit
but through nobody but myself.

with the ball of stress
over-baking in the oven.

x

the valley of fear

it feels like the anxiety that I’ve been suppressing and denying is about to skyrocket into a panic attack. i could feel my heart racing and my breathing is a little stuck, suffocated, congested, or whichever word that fits.

You sorry piece of shit. Haven’t you fail enough? Think about the cage you want to get out of badly. You should go back to being a fetus if you can’t handle the last two academic exams of your life. It better be the last two. Stop wasting time mourning your study progress & use these ticking seconds and minutes to mug/recap. Every hour you have in your hand is additional time for you to study. 
– the brutal voice in my mind talking to me

over

I am terrified. The exam stress is settling, i am so fucking scared of failing and not being able to graduate. I need to manage my progress better, i can do better. I need to study faster and stop procrastinating, like seriously stop doing that. I need to have a healthier sleep pattern, and stop sleeping in. I had 8 hours of sleep & nap in the afternoon yet i am still so exhausted. Wow like what? I KNOW.

Don’t stress the little things? NO, this ain’t little. My mind says. Wake the fuck up, Sheryl. 53 days ain’t that many days left. THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT once you deduct away the weekends. i feel stress talking about being stressed, oh that line is always true to my bones.

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i wanna murder myself mentally

All will be well only if you earned it. Think about how much you want to get out of the cage. That’s more than just a reminder.

My head’s stuffed, bonne nuit. 

x
Continue reading

Breaking point 

i don’t like it whenever i get too stressed out, i get very irritated and upset with myself. And when the breathing speeds up, i feel like a shark in a fish tank ready to combust. 

I have hit my breaking point for the month today, so i am a lot more emotionally sensitive now and feeling so dumb. Everyone is probably good at something and bad at something yeah? It feels like i am bad at everything, like i can’t do anything right. I can’t seem to find something that fits me comfortably, or put it in another way. I can’t fit into anything at all. Why am i still alive when i am obviously good at nothing? 

Now whenever i get too stressed out, my head heats up. It’s like i am internally vaporizing my cells or something. And my stomach muscle will tensed up and start pulling/squeezing. 

Wish accounting modules could be less hazardous, wish my boyfriend could be here physically. I miss him so badly. 

x

living in the light

capture

met up with Denise for dinner on Monday night, she couldn’t mask her surprise and curiosity after i gave her heartfelt advice on life-mainly relationships. “What happen to you? You have become the relationship guru.” I remembered her words. Nope, i don’t earn the title of being a relationship guru. You don’t need to experience 10 relationships to give relationship advice to a person.

It’s just lessons and observations on people around you. I know i have changed in terms of my malleable perspective on Life. My mindset have began to shift slowly and i feel it’s quite a healthy change in someways.Denise was a little taken back when i had shown a different attitude towards Life and i was giving off an emotionally healthy vibe. The previous time we met up was when i was still struggling to fight with my depression, emotions and also dealing with unhealthy relationships (friendships included).

It wasn’t the healthy time of my emotional state at all. Now i am different. Things have changed, my emotional health have significantly improved. The things we go through changes us, it reshapes our personality , our thoughts and it makes our perspective more malleable than it already is. And for me, to be able to feel alive again is almost like a miracle that knocked onto the wrong door. I am nevertheless grateful with what i have in life presently right now.

I do hold some resentment towards myself for giving Depression and Anxiety the chance to ruin my mental health for about two years but now that i think about it,  it isn’t completely horrible after going through that mental hell. At least i know what hell truly feels like mentally and i could differentiate – emotionally healthy and emotionally unhealthy. I feel that i am able to contain my negativity better and use it as a strength instead of a weakness against myself. That’s a step to living in the light right?

Should those two former best mental buddies of mine come to pay me a visit again, at least i could hold the initial defense a lot longer. Nobody said they’d be gone forever, it’s all hard mental work on the individual as well as external factors.

Started the new school year today and gee, i am feeling a drop of stress with my Financial Reporting module already. With my lecturer bringing up the word EXAM on the first day, red flags got flagged in my mind. It’s going to be a tedious triathlon (Assignment, Prelim & Exam in my context) at a land mine. I need to fuel up. I hope my other module will be less intimidating. It’s only the first week of senior year, jeez.

Meanwhile, i am still contemplating how to phrase my resignation explanation nicely so i can notify my manager tomorrow. She is nice but the environment is not healthy enough to keep me any later than October. If i could leave earlier that would be even better but well, one month’s notice. Will have to bear with another few more hectic Saturdays.

Drink up your water and eat plenty fruits, peeps. Happy Midweek !capt5ure

tempted to purchase Melissa Molomo’s book but it cost about 40USD with shipping (all the way from NY)- no kindle version, ugh. Love her words, they are the hard truths plus positive motivating vibes. Click here to check out her Instagram.

x

One of the cagebird’s nights 

it’s one of those days i am being an annoying angry bitch to everyone around me. 

it’s one of those days i get too frustrated when things don’t go according to my time schedule, i let my temper got better of me & end up thrashing things around. 

It’s one of those days i found out what i really want but i am not allow to have it. 

it’s one of those days after the storm i got more angry with my emotions and irritated easily with the people around me.

it’s one of those days when i find faults with things i thought i wouldn’t give much thought to. I vent and again i got angry. I got hulk’s anger running through my veins.

it’s one of those days when i actually want to say some things but i decided not to. 

it’s one of those days that made me firmly enforce the fact that i am not good enough after a bad day.

It’s one of those days i want to be alone and keep everything to myself. 

It’s one of those days the bad goes a little further and my annoyance become overwhelming. 

It’s one of those days when words , actions & expressions hurt more than knives. 

It’s one of those days where everything is crappy and bad. 

Silence speak volumes.

x

broken bones grow back stronger

“I’m at the point where i can go from feeling so much to so little in an instant. My emotions are all disarray. I feel like my veins are pumping potential energy, heart beat-beat-beating in anticipation for all the things that are about to happen in my life. 

Growing up is weird. I’m learning and changing and evolving and it doesn’t feel like summer that passes and it’s August and you’re wondering where all the time went… every day i feel time whizzing past; if the hands on the clock rotate any faster it’ll fly off my desk and out the window. 

I am so many things, and I’m training my eyes to find possibility in every second, to not let time get away from me, to not let myself live in a time that hasn’t even come yet. There is so much i want to do, so much i want to see, so much i want to create, so much i want to be.

I’m chasing light and I’m discovering who i am and what i want to do and how i want to live and I’m aching to praise my God with every breath.”

Eighteen years poetry Madisen Kuhn

This is one of her many poems in the book that is deep and carved with depth. Every second you breathe, you are alive. Show gratitude and be thankful for what you have in your hands- Life. And if you are broken, you will mend and you will heal. Be it broken hearts or broken bones, you will move on and become stronger than you were before.

Moving on,

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some of us may be told that we are a bunch of (hopeless) fucked ups and when you think about it, it takes a fucked up to identify a fellow fucked-up. We are all fucked up in our own unique ways, the ability to fuck things up is what makes us human. It’s embedded in us like an identity, both you and me too. That’s the wicked reality setting that we are born in.

“How’s you and Mark? You guys are so sweet.”

This is a belated thing that just popped into my mind which a friend asked me recently. We are not so sweet. There are down times. In fact if there’s no bad days at all, the relationship is almost fictitious. The good and bad days coexist.

We are not a couple full of sweetness that gives outsiders emotional diabetes. Speaking of sweetness, there are some people who “advertises” their relationship with farting rainbow bunnies (not literal) daily on Instagram, that is sugar overload. It’s alright to have a lot of love & affection for each other but is it really necessary to proclaim your love daily on social media? There are other means in showing your love right? (No intention to insult/offend any one out there, it’s just my opinion)

Mark and I have our fair share of bad weather days.We weather through the bad times, we enjoy through the good times. And to be honest, bad days plays an important part. It’s through the bad days i am more ascertain of what i want in the relationship, in myself, in him and also what i need to work on (though i admit i am a stubborn snail taking baby steps). And because we are in a LDR, it’s a little harder & longer to resolve our problems because we don’t get to physically to talk it out. Communication has to be done through our mutual best friend- SKYPE. So no, we are not so sweet at all. We are just a boring couple who is going through the LDR cycle right now. Not easy but not alone & step by step.

x

crestfallen on the sidewalk

It feels like fate has already been set for me. Transfer course because my current course is going to extinct this year? Yea, two more years to go. Ah tertiary life is a joke, or rather mine. I don’t know how to continue on like this. I am trying to convince myself to believe this is part of the path set for me, the only consolation i deserve.

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Every one of us is worrying about different things. One is worrying about achieving first class. Another is worrying about achieving second class upper. The list continues. And me? Honors Class position really doesn’t matter to me. I am worried about whether i am able to finish the whole course safely in one piece.I must fulfill the promise i made to myself and to my Mom- Complete tertiary education. No matter how far the finishing line is , no matter how long it takes to complete the marathon, i need to complete it.

I am on the sidewalk of lampposts that have began to flicker. This is not a test. This is not a drill. This is happening. The insomnia, the aching of the stomach, the gray thoughts. The streak of bad days have began. I am not emotionally prepared for this. Absolutely not.

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x

crawl through the river of shit

it’s Sunday, is it the end of another week or the start of a new week?

just finished watching “The Shawshank Redemption” starring Morgan Freeman, it’s an old movie – ’94 , but whoa it’s good. No wonder it’s #1 on IMDB. (Thanks for picking this movie for the night, Mark) The movie gives me a better understanding of life imprisonment inmates and you’d be surprise the life lessons you can actually pick up from the movie. And not forgetting some good quotes. Damnnnnnnnnnnnn.

shawshank2

I am not a believer of hope (pertaining to matters relating to myself) but i have to agree with this quote. Hope is something that others can’t touch. It belongs to you and each one of us has that inside us like a burning flame, as much as i choose not to believe in it. And hope becomes a brighter light if you keep it burning in the darkness.

shawshank

This is pretty much how we individuals tend to sometimes feel on those bad days don’t we? Mine is pretty much self-created. I created the tornado and i am about to get swallow by it. Just another 8 more days. Even sleep is not exactly helping when my dreams are related to school as well.

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Get busy living or get busy dying. Focus on your dreams and keep going.

x

 

chapter break 

Not speaking says more than all the words in the world. — Colleen Hoover

One course of action leads to another. Plans thrown away, words erased and everything gets swept away. All to wasteland. A painting of life goes into the trash. Some things cannot be recovered once in the trash. 

F i c t i o n , sheryl. Wake the fuck up and look around you. It’s dead and all gone. What in the world are you doing?

What’s the point in hoping? What’s the point in planning ahead / thinking ahead? Can plans be eaten and digested? I wish.If people were to question about the future, i’d reply that i can’t see the future at all. If there was supposedly one, there is nothing inside at all now.

John Green said pain demands to be felt and that quote is true. For the pain to go away? All you need is a greater pain to take that pain away. And bruises come in different ways.

Numbing every single atom of emotion inside , all that’s left is a thorn inside that can’t be removed.

Not everything in life ends with us. 

Word vomitted a lot more than this but i kept on deleting, this is the definitely longest post i ever take to publish.

I hate my mind. I hate the voice. I hate the bruises. I hate the emotions. I hate me. And i hate you, heart. I fucking hate you. 

x