2017 in fishlens

Looking back at 2017 in a nutshell, what the year has done for me? Good, Bad & the Ugly. But, i made it through. I am still alive, I conquered the year and I am not alone. If you are reading this, you have also conquered the year.

Give yourself a pat, and everyone around you. We made it through the tough year. We grow into better humans, we fell and we picked ourselves up. We fought and we fought hard.

I am thankful to be alive, to be still alive. To be loved and to love others. I am thankful. I am thankful for the mistakes that i have made, the bad things i have done. For without them, i wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t be able to work on my mistakes, work on myself, work on being a better person to everyone (i am still working on it).

I got engaged in July, one of the happiest event in 2017. I lost my boyfriend and had a fiancé instead. I found my source of strength, home and love in one person- Mark.

I unofficially graduated done with university in August, I got my first job in August and quit after 10 days. That month was rough, it was really bad.

I found myself another job in September (my current job actually) which pays me lesser but I like the environment and I found it, without help from family (which matters to me). And of course, i am definitely in tune with this job than the previous one (it was a good job but i wasn’t suited to it).

And of course there’s many hiccups, plenty of downtimes happening to me, to my loved ones. It’s the bad stuff that allows the good stuff to happen and make us appreciate the good moments. And as for my anxiety, it’s never going away.

I have accepted the fact that it is a huge weakness of mine but while i am still working to make it as my strength, I am doing my best to make sure it doesn’t get worse.Now that it’s day 2 of 2018, it’s gonna be another rollercoaster ride of shit and farting rainbow.

I am still learning to value my life more, to love others better and to keep praying that my darkness could go away bit by bit everyday so I could be a better version of myself and that the past me will be proud of what i have achieved, even if it’s in baby steps.

x

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You did well

Genuinely sad over the untimely death of Kim Jong Hyun, lead singer of SHINee, South Korean band.

Not because he’s an artist, celebrity. But because he’s young, i listened to his band’s songs and watched the variety shows they were on and simply because depression overpowered him.

I feel affected especially after reading his letter to the public. His words addressing his problem and pain, it’s gut wrenching and make me feel like tearing, it’s relatable y’know?

“You did well”, that’s exactly what many of us out there who wants to hear.

He’s well loved, and even more loved after his death. Depression doesn’t just hit us, normal non celebrities. It hits everyone.

And even the brightest star could get swallowed by the darkness.

People need to start taking depression seriously. People need to know how impactful that condition is. Not just depression, other types of mental condition is equally detrimental to one’s health and life.

Don’t take the people around you for granted. The problem of an individual may be the size of an atom to you but to them, an atom is enough to bring upon chaos and destruction to their lives.

Robin Williams,Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kim Jonghyun. They are the few notable names that people hear/know of that commit suicide due to their mental struggle.

there are also people whom you walk passed on the street may have cave in to their mental struggles and committed suicide too.

It’s not too late for you to start appreciating the people around you and if you are struggling with something ongoing in your life, know that you could seek help.

x

failure is the way forward

it’s getting harder each passing day. 

23 days since i had my first job, 7 days since i resigned from my first job. I am back to being unemployed, engaged and bonus, final tertiary results was released 8 days ago and i am officially done with school.

my first job as a headhunter wasn’t easy. People tend to think a recruiter is an easy to do job, you just have to keep calling and all sorts. There is a difference between a recruitment agency and executive search firm (which most people always tend to think they are the same). Different tier, due diligence process is different as well. The stress level is similar but the fear level is a whole lot scarier, in my case.

The area i have to deal with , the candidates are not fresh graduates, not diploma holders, not young adults. Nowhere near my age even. They are the senior practitioners, those being in the field even before i was born / crawling. COO, Managing Director, Associate Director the list goes on. And their annual pay is like 250K-300K kinda figures (can you feel my pressure and fear when i talk to them on the phone?) They are the warriors, the ones who fought hard in the field for years. I feel like a mouse when i talk to them. 

I was sad that i had to break the contract with the company (the colleagues & boss are nice people) that i actually teared up after leaving but I know, I wasn’t suited for the nature of the job. It was detrimental to the company’s resources and time as well as my mental health whereby i had to visit my doctor again. Just think about all the crying every night when i go to sleep and every morning before i go to work, i was worse than a kid going to school on his first day.  

All that crying built up a lot of anxiety (self-induced) that caused me to not be able to sleep well. I perform alright at work in fact, the boss did try to persuade me to stay. But to me, my well-being comes before money and my career (even though i sound very selfish and self-centered right?)

I was reunited (not a happy reunion) with my old friends – the anxiety pills but of course i wasn’t prescribed anti-depressants because i didn’t have unhealthy thoughts. 

I feel like i am slapped back to square one where the job hunt continues every day and waiting by the phone, waiting for an interview call-in vain.  It’s tough and demoralizing to see more and more of my friends are already securing jobs and doing well whereas here i am, back in limbo or some thing. 

I have to constantly keep myself occupied in the day so that my thoughts won’t wonder as it would only make my anxiety grow bigger. I need to be stronger and not cave in to the anxiety and fear of making mistakes.

At the same time, i keep telling myself it’s for the better that i had resigned. As much as the company was really good and all, it wasn’t healthy for my mental health and I was affecting my loved ones despite good work performance. I wouldn’t say i have no regrets, i do have regrets. I wished i was mentally stronger or be able to sweep the anxiety under the carpet, but that’s not the case. 

And of course my Mom in particular wasn’t happy about me leaving because she thinks in a more “economical” / “practical” sense with the not so active job market and it’s Q4 of 2017 it’s harder to secure a job blah blah. So in a nutshell, she’s disappointed with me that i could feel her disappointment looming over me whenever she’s home. 

But really, which is more important? I love my family, i do. And i know how important money plays a part in surviving. 

I just wish… people of that generation could understand better and not undermine the power of anxiety. 

I know i put a lot of pressure on myself and most of the time it’s coming from myself. I need to pursue my career with baby steps. 

And the wait continues. 

x

 

dancing goldfish

it’s been two weeks since my exams ended and it’s been a little over a week since i started job hunting. As much as i’d love to take a longer break and not start job hunting that soon, my bleeding account permits me from doing so and i am already getting some heat from my family. Like seriously, get off my back. I am trying to look for a job OK, and looking is easier than getting offered the job role out of 100-500 over applicants. 

To be given an interview opportunity i already count myself lucky. It’s okay to get an interview but then no job offer in the end. It’s normal. And yes, there are some jobs that i applied to had 500 over other applicants. The job market is not just quiet, it is dull gray and i have been hogging the job portals every afternoon, 3/4 of time. I’ve been spending more time at home as well, not wanting to go out and spend money. Keeping my budget tight and minimal. 

There are jobs that i really want to land in but there are a lot more people who are better than me in terms of skills and experience, so there’s no fight at all. While i am sourcing for jobs, the heat i am receiving makes me feel more and more like a living puppet.

“What do you live for?” my brain asked me minutes ago.

“I had lived to follow the path that my family thought what was best for me, everything i listened and followed. Their expectations had done nothing but harmed and scarred me. Now it is the time for me to follow what i want to do/try, to listen to my own heart. For the puppet has learnt to move on its own. No matter what obstacles i encounter from my decisions, i will pick myself up, learn and move on.” 

That’s what i thought and it prompted me to be here ranting away to my heart’s content. My life is made up of my choices, my decisions, my mistakes. 

And Mark reminded me to each its own. Every job has its perks and everyone has different interests. I detest doing programming but it doesn’t stop people from aspiring to be programmers and like i said, every job has its perks. What interests them in applying a particular job may not necessarily interest me. 

And i have to remind myself as well that the future is mine to hold and write, i shouldn’t allow anyone to dictate my job choices. if you want to judge, go ahead. I mustn’t allow others’ opinions to affect me, to question my own decisions.  

x

lost and not yet found

stuck in a crossroad right now, my head’s filled with uncertainties with what i wanna do, what kind of job i am looking for and what kind of company will even wanna hire me. neither here nor there, i am unofficially an undergraduate and unemployed. 

i deserve a break, i think every student who just completed their final tertiary exams deserve a short break, for the very least. Yet, i find myself feeling the little pressure and fear nibbling my flesh away with the unspoken expectations i get from people around me. (& also the unsettled feeling about my results which will only be released in August- dreadful wait isn’t it?)

“Have you started looking for jobs?” “What jobs are you looking for?” “What are you going to do now?” Some of these questions placed me in the fiery pits of the unknown.

there are some things i wanna do, i wanna try but i lack the motivation, the money, the reason or rather the purpose. otherwise it just seems “useless and irrelevant” in the eyes of many, like it doesn’t relate to the course i spent four years mugging my ass off. 

it’s just, you are suppose to know what you wanna do, what you wanna be the moment you pick the course you want to study in university. I am one of those few who is still lost and unsure. Turning 25 in a couple of months and still unsure of life, i know how that sounds.

Eleven days since my last exam paper, i did make the minimal efforts to send my resumes out. But i highly doubt any will actually revert, honestly speaking. And while i am still gonna continue tutoring the kids (which i have grown to adore despite the constant nagging and reprimanding) to fund my daily expenses, i cannot just rely on that for the rest of the year.

Looking around me, friends mostly already have a stable job and are enjoying the perks of having a stable income while of course fretting over other serious problems on hand. I am constantly questioning myself, What the hell are you going to do from now?

x

in my own purgatory

29 more days to the first paper, the next 31 days
will be filled with a lot, a lot of stress, anxiety, worry
& all. And not to mention,the annihilation of brain cells.

i am starting to have dreams about exams,results,
all the negativity follow me to sleep territory
like my shadow, enveloping me in its arms.

my very own hell’s nightmare. It’s tricky, but i am 
keeping my emotions in check regularly, hoping those
mental
breakdowns won’t even happen at all.

Who likes having a war going on inside their mind anyway?
It’s a disease, a sticky situation that makes you a fly caught in
the very own web that your mind decide to spin. When you are
fired by your mind and it took over your job as the architect of
your thoughts… the mind can be a real ugly bitch sometimes,
or most days actually.

i try brainwashing myself with positive vibes, keep telling
myself all’s well but obviously, my studying progress is very
much far from well.

my speed in memorizing is still very slow and there’s still so
much to cover, so much to read or even scan through.

the days of procrastination, sleeping in and day-dreaming are over.
I need to do this for the future and to attain one’s dreams, hard
work must be put in and for my case, i need to persevere and work harder.
Don’t give up just because things are hard, Sheryl.

Keep working hard and smart, children of Earth.

x

resolve

everybody know and encounter stress,
but nobody feels stress the exact same way.

it does takes a lot of courage,
to feel a lot of things,
to leave behind a lot of things.

i am beginning to find mine,
through the stress,
through the shit
but through nobody but myself.

with the ball of stress
over-baking in the oven.

x

the valley of fear

it feels like the anxiety that I’ve been suppressing and denying is about to skyrocket into a panic attack. i could feel my heart racing and my breathing is a little stuck, suffocated, congested, or whichever word that fits.

You sorry piece of shit. Haven’t you fail enough? Think about the cage you want to get out of badly. You should go back to being a fetus if you can’t handle the last two academic exams of your life. It better be the last two. Stop wasting time mourning your study progress & use these ticking seconds and minutes to mug/recap. Every hour you have in your hand is additional time for you to study. 
– the brutal voice in my mind talking to me

over

I am terrified. The exam stress is settling, i am so fucking scared of failing and not being able to graduate. I need to manage my progress better, i can do better. I need to study faster and stop procrastinating, like seriously stop doing that. I need to have a healthier sleep pattern, and stop sleeping in. I had 8 hours of sleep & nap in the afternoon yet i am still so exhausted. Wow like what? I KNOW.

Don’t stress the little things? NO, this ain’t little. My mind says. Wake the fuck up, Sheryl. 53 days ain’t that many days left. THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT once you deduct away the weekends. i feel stress talking about being stressed, oh that line is always true to my bones.

zoo.gif
i wanna murder myself mentally

All will be well only if you earned it. Think about how much you want to get out of the cage. That’s more than just a reminder.

My head’s stuffed, bonne nuit. 

x
Continue reading

unrest

noor shira
noor shirazie

when reality rear its ugly head
in the night in the darkness
you don’t have a safe house to seek cover

you can only brace yourself
count your fingers and toes
and hope reality won’t fuck you over badly

when it injects a dose of unhappiness and stress
into your bloodstream
waiting you to succumb to its poison

-thoughts in my head

the abundance flow of stress and worry in my system never fails my mind nor my train of thoughts. Exams are a little more than two months away, my speed in memorizing my theory contents is so slow. I’ve been studying almost everyday, exception of days where I’ve to drag my lazy ass to school, like today for instance. But it’s still not good enough.  My brain is really working like a snail, a snail who is on the brink of retirement. 

the fear of failing is written in my bones. what if i can’t graduate? i am not academically smart at all. my job hunting searches would all go to the drain. i didn’t imagine to be in this situation at this age when i was 16/17.

Not having proper sleep either, i am feeling so damn exhausted and barely functioning properly in the day. I don’t get to choose to fall asleep, my mind dictates that for me. And it’s been being an A bitch by keeping my brain occupied through the hours of the night. Believe me, i yearn for proper sleep. 

the job hunting is still fruitless, i had sent out my resumes to many companies and it looks like i will not have a job for quite a while. I AM NOT WORTHY. feeding on houseflies and relying heavily on tutoring for the time being. It’s little, all i have to do is spend a lot more time at home brooding. Sounds fun enough, pfft. Of course, i am taking all these lightly, the real sinking panic hadn’t set in. Exams – #1 priority and worry. It’s okay to encounter job opportunities setbacks. Ain’t discouraged, yet. 

Vampire Diaries ended, it felt like it was an end of an era or some sorts. I didn’t continue watch after season 4 & when i watched the series finale last week, SERIOUSLY. Damon and Elena did not have a conversation AT ALL throughout the last episode. So much for Damon working so hard to bring Elena back. 
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And that, it is the end of the Vampire era for now.

noor1
noor shirazie

All is well, all will be well. Keep studying, Sheryl. You are almost reaching the finishing line, May will arrive soon. Fuel up your tank and keep the momentum going. 

Have a good weekend ahead, earthlings.

x