dancing goldfish

it’s been two weeks since my exams ended and it’s been a little over a week since i started job hunting. As much as i’d love to take a longer break and not start job hunting that soon, my bleeding account permits me from doing so and i am already getting some heat from my family. Like seriously, get off my back. I am trying to look for a job OK, and looking is easier than getting offered the job role out of 100-500 over applicants. 

To be given an interview opportunity i already count myself lucky. It’s okay to get an interview but then no job offer in the end. It’s normal. And yes, there are some jobs that i applied to had 500 over other applicants. The job market is not just quiet, it is dull gray and i have been hogging the job portals every afternoon, 3/4 of time. I’ve been spending more time at home as well, not wanting to go out and spend money. Keeping my budget tight and minimal. 

There are jobs that i really want to land in but there are a lot more people who are better than me in terms of skills and experience, so there’s no fight at all. While i am sourcing for jobs, the heat i am receiving makes me feel more and more like a living puppet.

“What do you live for?” my brain asked me minutes ago.

“I had lived to follow the path that my family thought what was best for me, everything i listened and followed. Their expectations had done nothing but harmed and scarred me. Now it is the time for me to follow what i want to do/try, to listen to my own heart. For the puppet has learnt to move on its own. No matter what obstacles i encounter from my decisions, i will pick myself up, learn and move on.” 

That’s what i thought and it prompted me to be here ranting away to my heart’s content. My life is made up of my choices, my decisions, my mistakes. 

And Mark reminded me to each its own. Every job has its perks and everyone has different interests. I detest doing programming but it doesn’t stop people from aspiring to be programmers and like i said, every job has its perks. What interests them in applying a particular job may not necessarily interest me. 

And i have to remind myself as well that the future is mine to hold and write, i shouldn’t allow anyone to dictate my job choices. if you want to judge, go ahead. I mustn’t allow others’ opinions to affect me, to question my own decisions.  

x

lost and not yet found

stuck in a crossroad right now, my head’s filled with uncertainties with what i wanna do, what kind of job i am looking for and what kind of company will even wanna hire me. neither here nor there, i am unofficially an undergraduate and unemployed. 

i deserve a break, i think every student who just completed their final tertiary exams deserve a short break, for the very least. Yet, i find myself feeling the little pressure and fear nibbling my flesh away with the unspoken expectations i get from people around me. (& also the unsettled feeling about my results which will only be released in August- dreadful wait isn’t it?)

“Have you started looking for jobs?” “What jobs are you looking for?” “What are you going to do now?” Some of these questions placed me in the fiery pits of the unknown.

there are some things i wanna do, i wanna try but i lack the motivation, the money, the reason or rather the purpose. otherwise it just seems “useless and irrelevant” in the eyes of many, like it doesn’t relate to the course i spent four years mugging my ass off. 

it’s just, you are suppose to know what you wanna do, what you wanna be the moment you pick the course you want to study in university. I am one of those few who is still lost and unsure. Turning 25 in a couple of months and still unsure of life, i know how that sounds.

Eleven days since my last exam paper, i did make the minimal efforts to send my resumes out. But i highly doubt any will actually revert, honestly speaking. And while i am still gonna continue tutoring the kids (which i have grown to adore despite the constant nagging and reprimanding) to fund my daily expenses, i cannot just rely on that for the rest of the year.

Looking around me, friends mostly already have a stable job and are enjoying the perks of having a stable income while of course fretting over other serious problems on hand. I am constantly questioning myself, What the hell are you going to do from now?

x

in my own purgatory

29 more days to the first paper, the next 31 days
will be filled with a lot, a lot of stress, anxiety, worry
& all. And not to mention,the annihilation of brain cells.

i am starting to have dreams about exams,results,
all the negativity follow me to sleep territory
like my shadow, enveloping me in its arms.

my very own hell’s nightmare. It’s tricky, but i am 
keeping my emotions in check regularly, hoping those
mental
breakdowns won’t even happen at all.

Who likes having a war going on inside their mind anyway?
It’s a disease, a sticky situation that makes you a fly caught in
the very own web that your mind decide to spin. When you are
fired by your mind and it took over your job as the architect of
your thoughts… the mind can be a real ugly bitch sometimes,
or most days actually.

i try brainwashing myself with positive vibes, keep telling
myself all’s well but obviously, my studying progress is very
much far from well.

my speed in memorizing is still very slow and there’s still so
much to cover, so much to read or even scan through.

the days of procrastination, sleeping in and day-dreaming are over.
I need to do this for the future and to attain one’s dreams, hard
work must be put in and for my case, i need to persevere and work harder.
Don’t give up just because things are hard, Sheryl.

Keep working hard and smart, children of Earth.

x

resolve

everybody know and encounter stress,
but nobody feels stress the exact same way.

it does takes a lot of courage,
to feel a lot of things,
to leave behind a lot of things.

i am beginning to find mine,
through the stress,
through the shit
but through nobody but myself.

with the ball of stress
over-baking in the oven.

x

the valley of fear

it feels like the anxiety that I’ve been suppressing and denying is about to skyrocket into a panic attack. i could feel my heart racing and my breathing is a little stuck, suffocated, congested, or whichever word that fits.

You sorry piece of shit. Haven’t you fail enough? Think about the cage you want to get out of badly. You should go back to being a fetus if you can’t handle the last two academic exams of your life. It better be the last two. Stop wasting time mourning your study progress & use these ticking seconds and minutes to mug/recap. Every hour you have in your hand is additional time for you to study. 
– the brutal voice in my mind talking to me

over

I am terrified. The exam stress is settling, i am so fucking scared of failing and not being able to graduate. I need to manage my progress better, i can do better. I need to study faster and stop procrastinating, like seriously stop doing that. I need to have a healthier sleep pattern, and stop sleeping in. I had 8 hours of sleep & nap in the afternoon yet i am still so exhausted. Wow like what? I KNOW.

Don’t stress the little things? NO, this ain’t little. My mind says. Wake the fuck up, Sheryl. 53 days ain’t that many days left. THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT once you deduct away the weekends. i feel stress talking about being stressed, oh that line is always true to my bones.

zoo.gif
i wanna murder myself mentally

All will be well only if you earned it. Think about how much you want to get out of the cage. That’s more than just a reminder.

My head’s stuffed, bonne nuit. 

x
Continue reading

unrest

noor shira
noor shirazie

when reality rear its ugly head
in the night in the darkness
you don’t have a safe house to seek cover

you can only brace yourself
count your fingers and toes
and hope reality won’t fuck you over badly

when it injects a dose of unhappiness and stress
into your bloodstream
waiting you to succumb to its poison

-thoughts in my head

the abundance flow of stress and worry in my system never fails my mind nor my train of thoughts. Exams are a little more than two months away, my speed in memorizing my theory contents is so slow. I’ve been studying almost everyday, exception of days where I’ve to drag my lazy ass to school, like today for instance. But it’s still not good enough.  My brain is really working like a snail, a snail who is on the brink of retirement. 

the fear of failing is written in my bones. what if i can’t graduate? i am not academically smart at all. my job hunting searches would all go to the drain. i didn’t imagine to be in this situation at this age when i was 16/17.

Not having proper sleep either, i am feeling so damn exhausted and barely functioning properly in the day. I don’t get to choose to fall asleep, my mind dictates that for me. And it’s been being an A bitch by keeping my brain occupied through the hours of the night. Believe me, i yearn for proper sleep. 

the job hunting is still fruitless, i had sent out my resumes to many companies and it looks like i will not have a job for quite a while. I AM NOT WORTHY. feeding on houseflies and relying heavily on tutoring for the time being. It’s little, all i have to do is spend a lot more time at home brooding. Sounds fun enough, pfft. Of course, i am taking all these lightly, the real sinking panic hadn’t set in. Exams – #1 priority and worry. It’s okay to encounter job opportunities setbacks. Ain’t discouraged, yet. 

Vampire Diaries ended, it felt like it was an end of an era or some sorts. I didn’t continue watch after season 4 & when i watched the series finale last week, SERIOUSLY. Damon and Elena did not have a conversation AT ALL throughout the last episode. So much for Damon working so hard to bring Elena back. 
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And that, it is the end of the Vampire era for now.

noor1
noor shirazie

All is well, all will be well. Keep studying, Sheryl. You are almost reaching the finishing line, May will arrive soon. Fuel up your tank and keep the momentum going. 

Have a good weekend ahead, earthlings.

x

twenty sixteen ;

Dear 2016,

A toast as we have reach the last page of your book, you have been a remarkable year for my loved ones, friends and myself. 

I had fell down a lot, teared countless times, stressed and melted into an emotional mess but nevertheless it’s been a year’s worth of lessons. I may not have utilize every single day to its fullest, but i am still keeping my momentum going. The new year will be a more productive year, i promise. 

I feel blessed to be able to meet new people, having new friends brought into my social circle and not to mention, meeting a special person who brought love back into my life, making me feel alive once again. To be able to reconnect with old friends and reconcile with friends who are worth it is no doubt, a bonus too.

I hadn’t been on my best mental form recently however that is not going to deter me from continuing to inhale positive vibes, improve my mental state and health. Baby steps is basically still progress eh?

Let’s all continue to strive better and live boldly .

x