unrest

noor shira
noor shirazie

when reality rear its ugly head
in the night in the darkness
you don’t have a safe house to seek cover

you can only brace yourself
count your fingers and toes
and hope reality won’t fuck you over badly

when it injects a dose of unhappiness and stress
into your bloodstream
waiting you to succumb to its poison

-thoughts in my head

the abundance flow of stress and worry in my system never fails my mind nor my train of thoughts. Exams are a little more than two months away, my speed in memorizing my theory contents is so slow. I’ve been studying almost everyday, exception of days where I’ve to drag my lazy ass to school, like today for instance. But it’s still not good enough.  My brain is really working like a snail, a snail who is on the brink of retirement. 

the fear of failing is written in my bones. what if i can’t graduate? i am not academically smart at all. my job hunting searches would all go to the drain. i didn’t imagine to be in this situation at this age when i was 16/17.

Not having proper sleep either, i am feeling so damn exhausted and barely functioning properly in the day. I don’t get to choose to fall asleep, my mind dictates that for me. And it’s been being an A bitch by keeping my brain occupied through the hours of the night. Believe me, i yearn for proper sleep. 

the job hunting is still fruitless, i had sent out my resumes to many companies and it looks like i will not have a job for quite a while. I AM NOT WORTHY. feeding on houseflies and relying heavily on tutoring for the time being. It’s little, all i have to do is spend a lot more time at home brooding. Sounds fun enough, pfft. Of course, i am taking all these lightly, the real sinking panic hadn’t set in. Exams – #1 priority and worry. It’s okay to encounter job opportunities setbacks. Ain’t discouraged, yet. 

Vampire Diaries ended, it felt like it was an end of an era or some sorts. I didn’t continue watch after season 4 & when i watched the series finale last week, SERIOUSLY. Damon and Elena did not have a conversation AT ALL throughout the last episode. So much for Damon working so hard to bring Elena back. 
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And that, it is the end of the Vampire era for now.

noor1
noor shirazie

All is well, all will be well. Keep studying, Sheryl. You are almost reaching the finishing line, May will arrive soon. Fuel up your tank and keep the momentum going. 

Have a good weekend ahead, earthlings.

x

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twenty sixteen ;

Dear 2016,

A toast as we have reach the last page of your book, you have been a remarkable year for my loved ones, friends and myself. 

I had fell down a lot, teared countless times, stressed and melted into an emotional mess but nevertheless it’s been a year’s worth of lessons. I may not have utilize every single day to its fullest, but i am still keeping my momentum going. The new year will be a more productive year, i promise. 

I feel blessed to be able to meet new people, having new friends brought into my social circle and not to mention, meeting a special person who brought love back into my life, making me feel alive once again. To be able to reconnect with old friends and reconcile with friends who are worth it is no doubt, a bonus too.

I hadn’t been on my best mental form recently however that is not going to deter me from continuing to inhale positive vibes, improve my mental state and health. Baby steps is basically still progress eh?

Let’s all continue to strive better and live boldly .

x

monsters within

daatr

it’s one of those days i just want to stay indoors and not step outside to deal with humans. Spent the past hour giving some thought about the upcoming new year, the things i need to get done and the things i want to do. 2017 is round the corner & i am not coming up with any New Year Resolutions, all i want is a safe , blessed and healthy year for my loved ones and friends. Hadn’t been sleeping well when nightmares cause a disturbance on alternate nights plus i feel so emotionally disturbed and sensitive recently.

I feel so disturbed by my emotions that i am considering visiting my Dr. if it continues to be erratic. I am monitoring my emotions and anxiety closely, hoping it won’t blend into something more. The more scared i am , the more vulnerable i will be to those mental monsters. Think healthy, live healthy.

While i am looking forward to the arrival of the new year, i can’t help but feel a little worried knowing prelims will head my way a little over February. i am still behind in grasping the contents of my modules so yeah, not prepared at all. Then again, when am i ever prepared? Nah-uh.

Academic aside, relationship wise… Mark’s having his internship till February so we don’t really have a lot of time together. Then again, working life is like this for most couples. And when end February comes, it will be the new season of our LDR. *inhales*

Everyone’s looking forward to Friday, cruising through the start of X’mas and countdown to year end eh? Well nonetheless, Merry Jolly X’mas & a Wonderful Blessed New Year to you.

x

 

 

 

Dust & Decay

Such a stressful week it has been, i feel like nothing but a disappointment, a constant letdown. A child who is always been slower than the others in the family. What i have been doing carry no value at all. 

The load in my heart has gotten a lot heavier after last night’s dinner. That feeling when people around the table, the ones you call Family start shooting arrows at you tactlessly. It is very uncomfortable and hurting especially when the ones who is suppose to know you better, doesn’t even help you put in a word at all. It makes you feel like the whole world is voicing out their opinions openly that i am still an immature, useless child who can’t support her parents financially when she’s already old enough to do so. 

A part of me knows i wouldn’t be emotionally affected if i myself didn’t feel that the remarks makes sense. 

I thought having part time jobs would be good to cover some of my expenses, so i needn’t have to ask for extra allowance (I’ve never asked for extra) nor do i need to spend so much more monthly.I save and i save well, but it is not sufficient in the eyes of others. I am still not independent enough. 

Since final year started, i have been working hard almost reaching the same level of discipline and consistency which i had during my second year. Procrastination pattern got eliminated, i made sure to pace myself. Progress is slow but with plenty efforts invested.

My anxiety levels have spiked a bit more due to academic stress and that i am more emotionally sensitive this past two weeks (with erratic dreams and improper sleep) but i am hanging there stubbornly. I am in a consistent momentum and i very much like to stick to this pattern all the way to exams. 

I know everyone have their fair share of tangled up problems and as we grow older our plate gets piled up with more shit. Have they ever put themselves in my shoes? It’s already tough enough of me to not unveil the ugly emotional side of me back when i was fighting depression and now that i am seemingly “100% back to normal”, everyone conveniently forgotten i have feelings like any other human. I am normal that doesn’t mean i can’t get whack back to that dark hole. 

Now that i am running around with a stressful mind, my emotions are a little all over the place, feeling very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable thanks to the accumulated stress over the past few weeks. As if i am not having low self confidence, now i feel even more inferior than before. 

I am still nothing but a burden, a caged bird, a flightless bird. 

They got no idea how much i yearn to unchain those shackles and be completely independent and now having to rely on people at all. I want to be useful too. I need to press on and work harder. To prove to myself and to others. Let’s continue to hang in there, peeps. 

Thank you, Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy). 

x

Breaking point 

i don’t like it whenever i get too stressed out, i get very irritated and upset with myself. And when the breathing speeds up, i feel like a shark in a fish tank ready to combust. 

I have hit my breaking point for the month today, so i am a lot more emotionally sensitive now and feeling so dumb. Everyone is probably good at something and bad at something yeah? It feels like i am bad at everything, like i can’t do anything right. I can’t seem to find something that fits me comfortably, or put it in another way. I can’t fit into anything at all. Why am i still alive when i am obviously good at nothing? 

Now whenever i get too stressed out, my head heats up. It’s like i am internally vaporizing my cells or something. And my stomach muscle will tensed up and start pulling/squeezing. 

Wish accounting modules could be less hazardous, wish my boyfriend could be here physically. I miss him so badly. 

x

seamless bond

I don’t like how it fucking irks me. It’s ridiculous, but i can’t help feeling unhappy about it. I tried to brush it off but each time i think about it, i couldn’t help but feel disturbed by the jealousy that formed inside overtime. 

That unbreakable bond and all.

It’s something i will never have nor be a part of and that really turns my insides out. I am fucking unhappy with myself about it and it’s an unchangeable fact that i have to live with inside. 

If i could relate, then maybe. But no. I am disgusted with what i am seeing and hearing and i can’t erase it out of my mind. 

You have no idea how fortunate you are and that pisses me greatly. 

And funny how much it reminds me of myself. 

finding new ways to fall apart

Hadn’t been having good dreams the past few nights. I was subconsciously sobbing in my sleep uncontrollably because of an awful dream last night. It makes me feel so dull and gloomy upon waking up in the morning. The uncertainty about the future is not helping, i find myself keep worrying and keep stressing. It’s unhealthy, i know. 

As if bad things will let me off in the day, i am hitting a new low as i struggle with my financial reporting module more and more every passing week. it doesn’t get easier and i am half submerged in the waters. Dealing with this module further justifies my dislike in accounting figures. Sigh, and i hadn’t been slacking at all. Due to the difficulty of the module, i made sure i revise and recap thrice a week. Been feeling stress and frustrated with my brain. I may not manage my stress and time as well as you, but i am learning and getting better at it.

i have berated myself a few times for not following my gut feeling to pick another module instead of this. I kept telling myself i have to find some love in the module to make myself feel a little better. Need to press on and keep the momentum going after-all, this time next year i’d be worrying something more important for sure. I will get through this. 

x

unchain those shackles

when you did what you need to do and it’s still not good enough. They remark disapprovingly and fault you for negligence. They are not here round the clock, so how could they say i did not do what i should do? You guys walked on eggshells during my depressed downtime and did try to consider my feelings. Now that i am all clear, what happened to sparing a thought for my feelings? 

Whatever i do, is not enough. Whatever i do that doesn’t conform with your expectations, it is never right. Only your advice are the correct standards i should adhere to. It feels like i am always doing more wrong than right. Looks like i have to bridge a wider distance from y’all. 

Live my own life? *scoffs* That doesn’t truly happen until i am out of here. 

Need to work 2x harder . Need to persevere, need to leave this place with results that show i can do it right with my own ways. Because i know if i were to screw up with my decisions and actions, there they will be waiting to toss their expectations in my face. 

Mistakes produce lessons, not representing failure. 

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