living in the light

capture

met up with Denise for dinner on Monday night, she couldn’t mask her surprise and curiosity after i gave her heartfelt advice on life-mainly relationships. “What happen to you? You have become the relationship guru.” I remembered her words. Nope, i don’t earn the title of being a relationship guru. You don’t need to experience 10 relationships to give relationship advice to a person.

It’s just lessons and observations on people around you. I know i have changed in terms of my malleable perspective on Life. My mindset have began to shift slowly and i feel it’s quite a healthy change in someways.Denise was a little taken back when i had shown a different attitude towards Life and i was giving off an emotionally healthy vibe. The previous time we met up was when i was still struggling to fight with my depression, emotions and also dealing with unhealthy relationships (friendships included).

It wasn’t the healthy time of my emotional state at all. Now i am different. Things have changed, my emotional health have significantly improved. The things we go through changes us, it reshapes our personality , our thoughts and it makes our perspective more malleable than it already is. And for me, to be able to feel alive again is almost like a miracle that knocked onto the wrong door. I am nevertheless grateful with what i have in life presently right now.

I do hold some resentment towards myself for giving Depression and Anxiety the chance to ruin my mental health for about two years but now that i think about it,  it isn’t completely horrible after going through that mental hell. At least i know what hell truly feels like mentally and i could differentiate – emotionally healthy and emotionally unhealthy. I feel that i am able to contain my negativity better and use it as a strength instead of a weakness against myself. That’s a step to living in the light right?

Should those two former best mental buddies of mine come to pay me a visit again, at least i could hold the initial defense a lot longer. Nobody said they’d be gone forever, it’s all hard mental work on the individual as well as external factors.

Started the new school year today and gee, i am feeling a drop of stress with my Financial Reporting module already. With my lecturer bringing up the word EXAM on the first day, red flags got flagged in my mind. It’s going to be a tedious triathlon (Assignment, Prelim & Exam in my context) at a land mine. I need to fuel up. I hope my other module will be less intimidating. It’s only the first week of senior year, jeez.

Meanwhile, i am still contemplating how to phrase my resignation explanation nicely so i can notify my manager tomorrow. She is nice but the environment is not healthy enough to keep me any later than October. If i could leave earlier that would be even better but well, one month’s notice. Will have to bear with another few more hectic Saturdays.

Drink up your water and eat plenty fruits, peeps. Happy Midweek !capt5ure

tempted to purchase Melissa Molomo’s book but it cost about 40USD with shipping (all the way from NY)- no kindle version, ugh. Love her words, they are the hard truths plus positive motivating vibes. Click here to check out her Instagram.

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walking in to walk out 

How do you walk out of it ? 

You can’t compact the bad and keep it contained in a storage unit. You can never be certain it’s completely gone. Just take it as it is each morning. 

Normal is subjective. 

I am still recovering. I am not 100% ok . I may have visit the bank of bad days a lot lesser , that however doesn’t mean the bank is no longer in operation.

If you ask me months ago, i’d be telling you i am just living to find out why am i still alive, i am just living merely because i lack the courage to kill myself. Answers have changed, i have learnt to appreciate life a little better , i met new people and i walked out of my old life, leaving some old friends behind. 

Problems surrounding me pertaining to friendship drama & all have significantly dropped, i find myself more carefree, and more importantly, i don’t owe anyone answers.

Don’t ever take things for granted, especially when you are out in the light a little too long, you get used to it and you assumed it’s finally gone.I am not saying it will definitely come back someday, it doesn’t come back for certain people so you could be one of the lucky ones.

Just never assume. You think you know them, but honestly they know you best during tough times. They are not labelled dark for no reason. 

when you encounter someone else who’s facing something similar , you share. And when you share, you are putting a part of you at risk. It’s not easy sharing. It’s not easy putting yourself back in your old shoes. The comfort of wearing old worn out shoes, that sort of feeling- tempting. The risk of letting the dark lure you in. Not all slips have noise, not all fall have immediate impact. 

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mental check 

Mom: Are you still taking the sleeping pills?

Me: no why?

Mom: You should take half of it. It’s starting again, the sound of your voice could be heard when you are having bad dreams. 

Giddiness. Bad dreams. Little sleep. Aching heart. Heavy thoughts . Gloomy mood. 

These familiar signs. 

I am telling myself it’s just a coincidence, some of it should go away soon. 

 

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inner disturbance

 
Is the mental dialogue playing in your head helping you or running you over? 

Are you holding yourself together? I hope you are and if you are, a pat on your back please, keep going. 

the voice in my head is becoming louder, i honestly don’t know if i am really holding myself together or i am royally mindfucked. 

it talks and talks non-stop causing my head to ponder and exhausts the mind.

my mind has problems with reality and i am lost in the energy of problems.

Expectation is the root of all heartache, that’s what Shakespeare said. 

What about aching of the mind? 

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one of those days 

it’s one of those days i feel my mind unwillingly wrap myself in a bubble. 

it’s one of those days i feel like fading away.

it’s one of those days the little voices in my head are unsure what they are talking about. 

it’s one of those days i am neither crappy nor happy, just blank. 

it’s one of those days i lie to myself so smoothly that i feel the deadly thoughts are gone completely. 

it’s one of those days i am trying to convince myself this is not a dream. 

it’s one of those days i need a form of quiet. 

it’s one of those days i pull myself out of me and observe like a third party. 

it’s one of those days.

x

papercut memories  

taken from tumblr

the thing about handwritten letters, it’s more personal and the writer would pen down genuine feelings while getting the message across to the receiver. 

It is a dedicated feeling , a letter full of heartfelt thoughts and feelings poured in.

Looked through some old letters written by my close friends throughout our teenage years warmed my heart. As we got older, letter contents became more solemn and life changing as well. 

Contract / Promises made, please don’t forget them. Empty words is one of the worse things, you can’t retract them. Words carry power and meaning, words of promise especially. 

Never thought there’d be a day whereby i am so determine to dispose letters from someone whom i used to care for a lot.  

I even tore the paper into pieces , it felt lethal.  

the sentimental feeling over an almost 12 years friendship wasn’t there tonight, it didn’t exist anymore. 

I want it all gone. Letters that conveys his feelings and his expectations of hoping that i will change. 

It’s something i will never miss. I am so fucking disgusted, it killed the value of our friendship (or whatever that’s left) when i reread his ‘sweet’ seemingly harmless words. 

His criticisms of my flaws still have the ability to cause emotional disturbance in me is actually quite threatening.

I find myself dwelling on my actions, constantly worried that my flaws will consume and destroy my current relationship. 

This is the last time i will blog about my relationship past. It’s hazardous to my mood and thoughts.

People with anxiety and depression and other form of disorders are given equal opportunities to fall & stay in love too. 

Meanwhile, it’s been a crazy sunday night . My heartstrings are tugged gently ❤️. 

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Hush hush now 

dreams snatch me out of my sleep… anxiety made me wake up earlier , thought that i had overslept.

some people’s words have the magic to make you feel better, to let you doubt lesser of yourself, making you grow and persevere.

Amongst the sea of people around me, that person is Mark❤️. Thanks to him for assuring me all the time patiently and being there. His words makes me believe that there’s still hope. 

All of us have a certain person whose words carry more weight than others. It doesn’t have to necessary be a partner, a family member, a best friend. 

That certain person is like our vitamin and energy bar. It fuel us up and make us embrace Life and confront our fears. 

I need to be a better person, a better friend, a better girlfriend , a better grand-daughter, a better daughter.

I changed and rebuild when Mark stepped into my life. But a part of me feels strongly that I am not good enough, like a broken mess that carries pieces of hell everywhere.

I feel like I drag people around me down. 

Have the strength to continue to live now but not enough to live freely from the thoughts.

The remarks about my depression, my mistakes and flaws… 

It is still fresh in my mind, unforgettable. This is what happens when i take others’ words too seriously. 

Good or bad words, once spilled it’s etched deeply into my mind.

And those haunting words are replaying in my mind now, buzzkill. 

x

washed away 

 
Let Love break you open, let Love pull you in. Let Love jumpstart the cold heart you thought that can no longer function. 

Let Love fill up your existence with meaning. Let Love take you to different places. 

Let Love Live.

******* 

I still take quite a while to fall asleep in the night and my dreams are escalating. My dreams are not relaxing at all, i find and hear myself cringing and sighing depressingly in my sleep. 

my current state of mind is swaying a bit more frequently now. I have been suppressing them well for days , weeks. 

There’s good positive distractions but the bad thoughts is building up slowly while my back’s turned. 

The more i suppress my thoughts and emotions, the more it will build and backfire on me. 

The storm won’t leave till it has done its job. 

I will be lying to myself if i say i am not terrified about April and May. 

What if i slipped away? What if my thoughts drag me back to my own personal hellhole? 

What if…. everything good starts to fall apart because of my inability to keep the bad away? 

Dog tired days are here 

feeling so gloomy and exhausted. 

as exams draw closer, i could feel a little more pressure breathing down on the back of my neck. 

That’s a good thing, actually. 

Still not pushing myself enough, i need to persevere and be a lot more productive this upcoming week. 

March is reaching its end, April is coming. And so is Winter. 

i tried. Two nights without any sleeping anxiety relaxants. I tossed and turned, i just couldn’t sleep no matter how sleepy i was. 

Sigh, need to give my body more nights to go without those pills. It sucks, but i really don’t want to rely on them anymore. I am so damn sick of consuming pills everyday. 

It is a downer just by looking at the pills, to be honest. 

x

chaos at its finest 

On a Monday, I am waiting

Tuesday, I am fading

And by Wednesday, I can’t sleep

Then the phone rings, I hear you

And the darkness is a clear view

Cuz you’ve come to rescue me

– Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces of Me”

Standing still and just hearing the sound of ticking clocks around me, i am just watching things fall slowly to where it’s intending to fall upon. 

I can’t contain everything within me, i have to let certain things slide. 

My mask is on because reality is a game that i have played one too many times.  

Everything will fall apart if any of it leaks out of the mask. 

it’s happening bit by bit and i am actually letting it breed.

For i am temporary frozen. 

Something just switched off and it’s out of order. 

Hello there, dark thoughts that i can’t even fathom. I never thought you’d miss me this much. You are out of the shadows at last. 

x