failure is the way forward

it’s getting harder each passing day. 

23 days since i had my first job, 7 days since i resigned from my first job. I am back to being unemployed, engaged and bonus, final tertiary results was released 8 days ago and i am officially done with school.

my first job as a headhunter wasn’t easy. People tend to think a recruiter is an easy to do job, you just have to keep calling and all sorts. There is a difference between a recruitment agency and executive search firm (which most people always tend to think they are the same). Different tier, due diligence process is different as well. The stress level is similar but the fear level is a whole lot scarier, in my case.

The area i have to deal with , the candidates are not fresh graduates, not diploma holders, not young adults. Nowhere near my age even. They are the senior practitioners, those being in the field even before i was born / crawling. COO, Managing Director, Associate Director the list goes on. And their annual pay is like 250K-300K kinda figures (can you feel my pressure and fear when i talk to them on the phone?) They are the warriors, the ones who fought hard in the field for years. I feel like a mouse when i talk to them. 

I was sad that i had to break the contract with the company (the colleagues & boss are nice people) that i actually teared up after leaving but I know, I wasn’t suited for the nature of the job. It was detrimental to the company’s resources and time as well as my mental health whereby i had to visit my doctor again. Just think about all the crying every night when i go to sleep and every morning before i go to work, i was worse than a kid going to school on his first day.  

All that crying built up a lot of anxiety (self-induced) that caused me to not be able to sleep well. I perform alright at work in fact, the boss did try to persuade me to stay. But to me, my well-being comes before money and my career (even though i sound very selfish and self-centered right?)

I was reunited (not a happy reunion) with my old friends – the anxiety pills but of course i wasn’t prescribed anti-depressants because i didn’t have unhealthy thoughts. 

I feel like i am slapped back to square one where the job hunt continues every day and waiting by the phone, waiting for an interview call-in vain.  It’s tough and demoralizing to see more and more of my friends are already securing jobs and doing well whereas here i am, back in limbo or some thing. 

I have to constantly keep myself occupied in the day so that my thoughts won’t wonder as it would only make my anxiety grow bigger. I need to be stronger and not cave in to the anxiety and fear of making mistakes.

At the same time, i keep telling myself it’s for the better that i had resigned. As much as the company was really good and all, it wasn’t healthy for my mental health and I was affecting my loved ones despite good work performance. I wouldn’t say i have no regrets, i do have regrets. I wished i was mentally stronger or be able to sweep the anxiety under the carpet, but that’s not the case. 

And of course my Mom in particular wasn’t happy about me leaving because she thinks in a more “economical” / “practical” sense with the not so active job market and it’s Q4 of 2017 it’s harder to secure a job blah blah. So in a nutshell, she’s disappointed with me that i could feel her disappointment looming over me whenever she’s home. 

But really, which is more important? I love my family, i do. And i know how important money plays a part in surviving. 

I just wish… people of that generation could understand better and not undermine the power of anxiety. 

I know i put a lot of pressure on myself and most of the time it’s coming from myself. I need to pursue my career with baby steps. 

And the wait continues. 

x

 

Advertisements

the valley of fear

it feels like the anxiety that I’ve been suppressing and denying is about to skyrocket into a panic attack. i could feel my heart racing and my breathing is a little stuck, suffocated, congested, or whichever word that fits.

You sorry piece of shit. Haven’t you fail enough? Think about the cage you want to get out of badly. You should go back to being a fetus if you can’t handle the last two academic exams of your life. It better be the last two. Stop wasting time mourning your study progress & use these ticking seconds and minutes to mug/recap. Every hour you have in your hand is additional time for you to study. 
– the brutal voice in my mind talking to me

over

I am terrified. The exam stress is settling, i am so fucking scared of failing and not being able to graduate. I need to manage my progress better, i can do better. I need to study faster and stop procrastinating, like seriously stop doing that. I need to have a healthier sleep pattern, and stop sleeping in. I had 8 hours of sleep & nap in the afternoon yet i am still so exhausted. Wow like what? I KNOW.

Don’t stress the little things? NO, this ain’t little. My mind says. Wake the fuck up, Sheryl. 53 days ain’t that many days left. THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT once you deduct away the weekends. i feel stress talking about being stressed, oh that line is always true to my bones.

zoo.gif
i wanna murder myself mentally

All will be well only if you earned it. Think about how much you want to get out of the cage. That’s more than just a reminder.

My head’s stuffed, bonne nuit. 

x
Continue reading

monsters within

daatr

it’s one of those days i just want to stay indoors and not step outside to deal with humans. Spent the past hour giving some thought about the upcoming new year, the things i need to get done and the things i want to do. 2017 is round the corner & i am not coming up with any New Year Resolutions, all i want is a safe , blessed and healthy year for my loved ones and friends. Hadn’t been sleeping well when nightmares cause a disturbance on alternate nights plus i feel so emotionally disturbed and sensitive recently.

I feel so disturbed by my emotions that i am considering visiting my Dr. if it continues to be erratic. I am monitoring my emotions and anxiety closely, hoping it won’t blend into something more. The more scared i am , the more vulnerable i will be to those mental monsters. Think healthy, live healthy.

While i am looking forward to the arrival of the new year, i can’t help but feel a little worried knowing prelims will head my way a little over February. i am still behind in grasping the contents of my modules so yeah, not prepared at all. Then again, when am i ever prepared? Nah-uh.

Academic aside, relationship wise… Mark’s having his internship till February so we don’t really have a lot of time together. Then again, working life is like this for most couples. And when end February comes, it will be the new season of our LDR. *inhales*

Everyone’s looking forward to Friday, cruising through the start of X’mas and countdown to year end eh? Well nonetheless, Merry Jolly X’mas & a Wonderful Blessed New Year to you.

x

 

 

 

tumbling into December

Weekend trip to HK came as quick as it goes,wished we could stayed there a little bit longer (partly due to the chilly weather & awesome food). 

And Hello Festive December, please be a good last month of 2016. 2016 started off on a remarkable note for me with getting to know new friends, reconnect with high school choir friends, “bury the hatchet” with a certain ardent Kobe Bryant fan buddy, travelling to places (solo trip to Melbourne especially) and of course, entrusting my heart to a special man since February. Not forgetting fighting my thoughts and swirling emotions on a daily basis on the path of (permanent?) recovery from depression. I am really thankful to the people i have close to me. Thanks for putting up with my temper and my burdensome problems. 

2017 will be a better, healthier year. There’s plenty of events to look forward to next year, March will be the first ❤️. I will continue to grow and make better efforts in being a better human. 

My last paper is on 18th May, that’s really quite soon actually. I am starting to worry about the papers already. I must continue to mug hard and give my best for this last lap before i start fretting over my future job and so on. The future is soaking in high levels of uncertainty and worry. 

Been waking up from bad dreams every night, i wish my mind could stop wandering into the darkness and brew unhappy thoughts and fears. I cannot stop worrying about so many things that my mind is half submerged in the waters of anxiety.

I want to be freed. I am still living in a cage that i can’t escape yet. I need to press on. Let’s all continue to work hard for our future. 

x

Dust & Decay

Such a stressful week it has been, i feel like nothing but a disappointment, a constant letdown. A child who is always been slower than the others in the family. What i have been doing carry no value at all. 

The load in my heart has gotten a lot heavier after last night’s dinner. That feeling when people around the table, the ones you call Family start shooting arrows at you tactlessly. It is very uncomfortable and hurting especially when the ones who is suppose to know you better, doesn’t even help you put in a word at all. It makes you feel like the whole world is voicing out their opinions openly that i am still an immature, useless child who can’t support her parents financially when she’s already old enough to do so. 

A part of me knows i wouldn’t be emotionally affected if i myself didn’t feel that the remarks makes sense. 

I thought having part time jobs would be good to cover some of my expenses, so i needn’t have to ask for extra allowance (I’ve never asked for extra) nor do i need to spend so much more monthly.I save and i save well, but it is not sufficient in the eyes of others. I am still not independent enough. 

Since final year started, i have been working hard almost reaching the same level of discipline and consistency which i had during my second year. Procrastination pattern got eliminated, i made sure to pace myself. Progress is slow but with plenty efforts invested.

My anxiety levels have spiked a bit more due to academic stress and that i am more emotionally sensitive this past two weeks (with erratic dreams and improper sleep) but i am hanging there stubbornly. I am in a consistent momentum and i very much like to stick to this pattern all the way to exams. 

I know everyone have their fair share of tangled up problems and as we grow older our plate gets piled up with more shit. Have they ever put themselves in my shoes? It’s already tough enough of me to not unveil the ugly emotional side of me back when i was fighting depression and now that i am seemingly “100% back to normal”, everyone conveniently forgotten i have feelings like any other human. I am normal that doesn’t mean i can’t get whack back to that dark hole. 

Now that i am running around with a stressful mind, my emotions are a little all over the place, feeling very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable thanks to the accumulated stress over the past few weeks. As if i am not having low self confidence, now i feel even more inferior than before. 

I am still nothing but a burden, a caged bird, a flightless bird. 

They got no idea how much i yearn to unchain those shackles and be completely independent and now having to rely on people at all. I want to be useful too. I need to press on and work harder. To prove to myself and to others. Let’s continue to hang in there, peeps. 

Thank you, Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy). 

x

Breaking point 

i don’t like it whenever i get too stressed out, i get very irritated and upset with myself. And when the breathing speeds up, i feel like a shark in a fish tank ready to combust. 

I have hit my breaking point for the month today, so i am a lot more emotionally sensitive now and feeling so dumb. Everyone is probably good at something and bad at something yeah? It feels like i am bad at everything, like i can’t do anything right. I can’t seem to find something that fits me comfortably, or put it in another way. I can’t fit into anything at all. Why am i still alive when i am obviously good at nothing? 

Now whenever i get too stressed out, my head heats up. It’s like i am internally vaporizing my cells or something. And my stomach muscle will tensed up and start pulling/squeezing. 

Wish accounting modules could be less hazardous, wish my boyfriend could be here physically. I miss him so badly. 

x

living in the light

capture

met up with Denise for dinner on Monday night, she couldn’t mask her surprise and curiosity after i gave her heartfelt advice on life-mainly relationships. “What happen to you? You have become the relationship guru.” I remembered her words. Nope, i don’t earn the title of being a relationship guru. You don’t need to experience 10 relationships to give relationship advice to a person.

It’s just lessons and observations on people around you. I know i have changed in terms of my malleable perspective on Life. My mindset have began to shift slowly and i feel it’s quite a healthy change in someways.Denise was a little taken back when i had shown a different attitude towards Life and i was giving off an emotionally healthy vibe. The previous time we met up was when i was still struggling to fight with my depression, emotions and also dealing with unhealthy relationships (friendships included).

It wasn’t the healthy time of my emotional state at all. Now i am different. Things have changed, my emotional health have significantly improved. The things we go through changes us, it reshapes our personality , our thoughts and it makes our perspective more malleable than it already is. And for me, to be able to feel alive again is almost like a miracle that knocked onto the wrong door. I am nevertheless grateful with what i have in life presently right now.

I do hold some resentment towards myself for giving Depression and Anxiety the chance to ruin my mental health for about two years but now that i think about it,  it isn’t completely horrible after going through that mental hell. At least i know what hell truly feels like mentally and i could differentiate – emotionally healthy and emotionally unhealthy. I feel that i am able to contain my negativity better and use it as a strength instead of a weakness against myself. That’s a step to living in the light right?

Should those two former best mental buddies of mine come to pay me a visit again, at least i could hold the initial defense a lot longer. Nobody said they’d be gone forever, it’s all hard mental work on the individual as well as external factors.

Started the new school year today and gee, i am feeling a drop of stress with my Financial Reporting module already. With my lecturer bringing up the word EXAM on the first day, red flags got flagged in my mind. It’s going to be a tedious triathlon (Assignment, Prelim & Exam in my context) at a land mine. I need to fuel up. I hope my other module will be less intimidating. It’s only the first week of senior year, jeez.

Meanwhile, i am still contemplating how to phrase my resignation explanation nicely so i can notify my manager tomorrow. She is nice but the environment is not healthy enough to keep me any later than October. If i could leave earlier that would be even better but well, one month’s notice. Will have to bear with another few more hectic Saturdays.

Drink up your water and eat plenty fruits, peeps. Happy Midweek !capt5ure

tempted to purchase Melissa Molomo’s book but it cost about 40USD with shipping (all the way from NY)- no kindle version, ugh. Love her words, they are the hard truths plus positive motivating vibes. Click here to check out her Instagram.

x

crestfallen on the sidewalk

It feels like fate has already been set for me. Transfer course because my current course is going to extinct this year? Yea, two more years to go. Ah tertiary life is a joke, or rather mine. I don’t know how to continue on like this. I am trying to convince myself to believe this is part of the path set for me, the only consolation i deserve.

tumblr_o7t11oWbqm1tcjhcco1_500.gif

Every one of us is worrying about different things. One is worrying about achieving first class. Another is worrying about achieving second class upper. The list continues. And me? Honors Class position really doesn’t matter to me. I am worried about whether i am able to finish the whole course safely in one piece.I must fulfill the promise i made to myself and to my Mom- Complete tertiary education. No matter how far the finishing line is , no matter how long it takes to complete the marathon, i need to complete it.

I am on the sidewalk of lampposts that have began to flicker. This is not a test. This is not a drill. This is happening. The insomnia, the aching of the stomach, the gray thoughts. The streak of bad days have began. I am not emotionally prepared for this. Absolutely not.

tumblr_nnsbnfl3Bj1trk16co1_500

x

thoughts have not been put to sleep

wp1

Still not sleeping well, i am functioning with low mana. Infused with anxiety, it only adds on to the fatigue. I don’t even have the appetite to eat much either. All i wanna do is snuggle into the arms of that one person who is approximately 6060 kilometers away.

tumblr_o89fa2Q72w1ukor4oo1_500.gif

took on another tuition assignment which will commence on Saturday, having second thoughts i don’t know why despite feeling more assured knowing i am able to earn a little extra money to aid my bleeding bank account. Hope i am a lot better by Saturday. I am considering whether to quit my Saturday morning part time job soon, the manager is pretty understanding and DOESN’T MICRO-MANAGE unlike one of the colleagues. And they are under-staff (why am i not surprise) i see new faces every Saturday,  so well. Perhaps it’d be better to stay on a little while more?

tumblr_o453mdtH9K1tewobjo1_500.gif

4 more days to D-day. A complete killjoy. The storm is coming and i am worried + terrified. Bags of Anxiety IV drip to be injected into my system as the thoughts start inviting themselves to stay.

x

 

 

walking in to walk out 

How do you walk out of it ? 

You can’t compact the bad and keep it contained in a storage unit. You can never be certain it’s completely gone. Just take it as it is each morning. 

Normal is subjective. 

I am still recovering. I am not 100% ok . I may have visit the bank of bad days a lot lesser , that however doesn’t mean the bank is no longer in operation.

If you ask me months ago, i’d be telling you i am just living to find out why am i still alive, i am just living merely because i lack the courage to kill myself. Answers have changed, i have learnt to appreciate life a little better , i met new people and i walked out of my old life, leaving some old friends behind. 

Problems surrounding me pertaining to friendship drama & all have significantly dropped, i find myself more carefree, and more importantly, i don’t owe anyone answers.

Don’t ever take things for granted, especially when you are out in the light a little too long, you get used to it and you assumed it’s finally gone.I am not saying it will definitely come back someday, it doesn’t come back for certain people so you could be one of the lucky ones.

Just never assume. You think you know them, but honestly they know you best during tough times. They are not labelled dark for no reason. 

when you encounter someone else who’s facing something similar , you share. And when you share, you are putting a part of you at risk. It’s not easy sharing. It’s not easy putting yourself back in your old shoes. The comfort of wearing old worn out shoes, that sort of feeling- tempting. The risk of letting the dark lure you in. Not all slips have noise, not all fall have immediate impact. 

x