twenty sixteen ;

Dear 2016,

A toast as we have reach the last page of your book, you have been a remarkable year for my loved ones, friends and myself. 

I had fell down a lot, teared countless times, stressed and melted into an emotional mess but nevertheless it’s been a year’s worth of lessons. I may not have utilize every single day to its fullest, but i am still keeping my momentum going. The new year will be a more productive year, i promise. 

I feel blessed to be able to meet new people, having new friends brought into my social circle and not to mention, meeting a special person who brought love back into my life, making me feel alive once again. To be able to reconnect with old friends and reconcile with friends who are worth it is no doubt, a bonus too.

I hadn’t been on my best mental form recently however that is not going to deter me from continuing to inhale positive vibes, improve my mental state and health. Baby steps is basically still progress eh?

Let’s all continue to strive better and live boldly .

x

monsters within

daatr

it’s one of those days i just want to stay indoors and not step outside to deal with humans. Spent the past hour giving some thought about the upcoming new year, the things i need to get done and the things i want to do. 2017 is round the corner & i am not coming up with any New Year Resolutions, all i want is a safe , blessed and healthy year for my loved ones and friends. Hadn’t been sleeping well when nightmares cause a disturbance on alternate nights plus i feel so emotionally disturbed and sensitive recently.

I feel so disturbed by my emotions that i am considering visiting my Dr. if it continues to be erratic. I am monitoring my emotions and anxiety closely, hoping it won’t blend into something more. The more scared i am , the more vulnerable i will be to those mental monsters. Think healthy, live healthy.

While i am looking forward to the arrival of the new year, i can’t help but feel a little worried knowing prelims will head my way a little over February. i am still behind in grasping the contents of my modules so yeah, not prepared at all. Then again, when am i ever prepared? Nah-uh.

Academic aside, relationship wise… Mark’s having his internship till February so we don’t really have a lot of time together. Then again, working life is like this for most couples. And when end February comes, it will be the new season of our LDR. *inhales*

Everyone’s looking forward to Friday, cruising through the start of X’mas and countdown to year end eh? Well nonetheless, Merry Jolly X’mas & a Wonderful Blessed New Year to you.

x

 

 

 

tumbling into December

Weekend trip to HK came as quick as it goes,wished we could stayed there a little bit longer (partly due to the chilly weather & awesome food). 

And Hello Festive December, please be a good last month of 2016. 2016 started off on a remarkable note for me with getting to know new friends, reconnect with high school choir friends, “bury the hatchet” with a certain ardent Kobe Bryant fan buddy, travelling to places (solo trip to Melbourne especially) and of course, entrusting my heart to a special man since February. Not forgetting fighting my thoughts and swirling emotions on a daily basis on the path of (permanent?) recovery from depression. I am really thankful to the people i have close to me. Thanks for putting up with my temper and my burdensome problems. 

2017 will be a better, healthier year. There’s plenty of events to look forward to next year, March will be the first ❤️. I will continue to grow and make better efforts in being a better human. 

My last paper is on 18th May, that’s really quite soon actually. I am starting to worry about the papers already. I must continue to mug hard and give my best for this last lap before i start fretting over my future job and so on. The future is soaking in high levels of uncertainty and worry. 

Been waking up from bad dreams every night, i wish my mind could stop wandering into the darkness and brew unhappy thoughts and fears. I cannot stop worrying about so many things that my mind is half submerged in the waters of anxiety.

I want to be freed. I am still living in a cage that i can’t escape yet. I need to press on. Let’s all continue to work hard for our future. 

x

Concept of Karma

I found myself being swept into the sandy storms of scheming harsh reality these two weeks, with bits and pieces of the past colliding with the present. Money is both a powerful tool and a scheming devil capable of destroying relationships and bonds. It irks me and i am utterly disappointed and disgusted.

Justice can’t be served and that is so damn fucking unfair. I can’t stomach the contents of it, i feel it is not right to let it slide. All i can do is pray, pray for questions to be answered, pray for forgiveness of those responsible to be guilty as charged in law.

I believe in karma but why is it those who deserve it always get away from it?

“i don’t know” is not a safe answer all the time.

x

Dust & Decay

Such a stressful week it has been, i feel like nothing but a disappointment, a constant letdown. A child who is always been slower than the others in the family. What i have been doing carry no value at all. 

The load in my heart has gotten a lot heavier after last night’s dinner. That feeling when people around the table, the ones you call Family start shooting arrows at you tactlessly. It is very uncomfortable and hurting especially when the ones who is suppose to know you better, doesn’t even help you put in a word at all. It makes you feel like the whole world is voicing out their opinions openly that i am still an immature, useless child who can’t support her parents financially when she’s already old enough to do so. 

A part of me knows i wouldn’t be emotionally affected if i myself didn’t feel that the remarks makes sense. 

I thought having part time jobs would be good to cover some of my expenses, so i needn’t have to ask for extra allowance (I’ve never asked for extra) nor do i need to spend so much more monthly.I save and i save well, but it is not sufficient in the eyes of others. I am still not independent enough. 

Since final year started, i have been working hard almost reaching the same level of discipline and consistency which i had during my second year. Procrastination pattern got eliminated, i made sure to pace myself. Progress is slow but with plenty efforts invested.

My anxiety levels have spiked a bit more due to academic stress and that i am more emotionally sensitive this past two weeks (with erratic dreams and improper sleep) but i am hanging there stubbornly. I am in a consistent momentum and i very much like to stick to this pattern all the way to exams. 

I know everyone have their fair share of tangled up problems and as we grow older our plate gets piled up with more shit. Have they ever put themselves in my shoes? It’s already tough enough of me to not unveil the ugly emotional side of me back when i was fighting depression and now that i am seemingly “100% back to normal”, everyone conveniently forgotten i have feelings like any other human. I am normal that doesn’t mean i can’t get whack back to that dark hole. 

Now that i am running around with a stressful mind, my emotions are a little all over the place, feeling very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable thanks to the accumulated stress over the past few weeks. As if i am not having low self confidence, now i feel even more inferior than before. 

I am still nothing but a burden, a caged bird, a flightless bird. 

They got no idea how much i yearn to unchain those shackles and be completely independent and now having to rely on people at all. I want to be useful too. I need to press on and work harder. To prove to myself and to others. Let’s continue to hang in there, peeps. 

Thank you, Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy). 

x

Breaking point 

i don’t like it whenever i get too stressed out, i get very irritated and upset with myself. And when the breathing speeds up, i feel like a shark in a fish tank ready to combust. 

I have hit my breaking point for the month today, so i am a lot more emotionally sensitive now and feeling so dumb. Everyone is probably good at something and bad at something yeah? It feels like i am bad at everything, like i can’t do anything right. I can’t seem to find something that fits me comfortably, or put it in another way. I can’t fit into anything at all. Why am i still alive when i am obviously good at nothing? 

Now whenever i get too stressed out, my head heats up. It’s like i am internally vaporizing my cells or something. And my stomach muscle will tensed up and start pulling/squeezing. 

Wish accounting modules could be less hazardous, wish my boyfriend could be here physically. I miss him so badly. 

x