tumbling into December

Weekend trip to HK came as quick as it goes,wished we could stayed there a little bit longer (partly due to the chilly weather & awesome food). 

And Hello Festive December, please be a good last month of 2016. 2016 started off on a remarkable note for me with getting to know new friends, reconnect with high school choir friends, “bury the hatchet” with a certain ardent Kobe Bryant fan buddy, travelling to places (solo trip to Melbourne especially) and of course, entrusting my heart to a special man since February. Not forgetting fighting my thoughts and swirling emotions on a daily basis on the path of (permanent?) recovery from depression. I am really thankful to the people i have close to me. Thanks for putting up with my temper and my burdensome problems. 

2017 will be a better, healthier year. There’s plenty of events to look forward to next year, March will be the first ❤️. I will continue to grow and make better efforts in being a better human. 

My last paper is on 18th May, that’s really quite soon actually. I am starting to worry about the papers already. I must continue to mug hard and give my best for this last lap before i start fretting over my future job and so on. The future is soaking in high levels of uncertainty and worry. 

Been waking up from bad dreams every night, i wish my mind could stop wandering into the darkness and brew unhappy thoughts and fears. I cannot stop worrying about so many things that my mind is half submerged in the waters of anxiety.

I want to be freed. I am still living in a cage that i can’t escape yet. I need to press on. Let’s all continue to work hard for our future. 

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Concept of Karma

I found myself being swept into the sandy storms of scheming harsh reality these two weeks, with bits and pieces of the past colliding with the present. Money is both a powerful tool and a scheming devil capable of destroying relationships and bonds. It irks me and i am utterly disappointed and disgusted.

Justice can’t be served and that is so damn fucking unfair. I can’t stomach the contents of it, i feel it is not right to let it slide. All i can do is pray, pray for questions to be answered, pray for forgiveness of those responsible to be guilty as charged in law.

I believe in karma but why is it those who deserve it always get away from it?

“i don’t know” is not a safe answer all the time.

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Dust & Decay

Such a stressful week it has been, i feel like nothing but a disappointment, a constant letdown. A child who is always been slower than the others in the family. What i have been doing carry no value at all. 

The load in my heart has gotten a lot heavier after last night’s dinner. That feeling when people around the table, the ones you call Family start shooting arrows at you tactlessly. It is very uncomfortable and hurting especially when the ones who is suppose to know you better, doesn’t even help you put in a word at all. It makes you feel like the whole world is voicing out their opinions openly that i am still an immature, useless child who can’t support her parents financially when she’s already old enough to do so. 

A part of me knows i wouldn’t be emotionally affected if i myself didn’t feel that the remarks makes sense. 

I thought having part time jobs would be good to cover some of my expenses, so i needn’t have to ask for extra allowance (I’ve never asked for extra) nor do i need to spend so much more monthly.I save and i save well, but it is not sufficient in the eyes of others. I am still not independent enough. 

Since final year started, i have been working hard almost reaching the same level of discipline and consistency which i had during my second year. Procrastination pattern got eliminated, i made sure to pace myself. Progress is slow but with plenty efforts invested.

My anxiety levels have spiked a bit more due to academic stress and that i am more emotionally sensitive this past two weeks (with erratic dreams and improper sleep) but i am hanging there stubbornly. I am in a consistent momentum and i very much like to stick to this pattern all the way to exams. 

I know everyone have their fair share of tangled up problems and as we grow older our plate gets piled up with more shit. Have they ever put themselves in my shoes? It’s already tough enough of me to not unveil the ugly emotional side of me back when i was fighting depression and now that i am seemingly “100% back to normal”, everyone conveniently forgotten i have feelings like any other human. I am normal that doesn’t mean i can’t get whack back to that dark hole. 

Now that i am running around with a stressful mind, my emotions are a little all over the place, feeling very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable thanks to the accumulated stress over the past few weeks. As if i am not having low self confidence, now i feel even more inferior than before. 

I am still nothing but a burden, a caged bird, a flightless bird. 

They got no idea how much i yearn to unchain those shackles and be completely independent and now having to rely on people at all. I want to be useful too. I need to press on and work harder. To prove to myself and to others. Let’s continue to hang in there, peeps. 

Thank you, Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy). 

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Breaking point 

i don’t like it whenever i get too stressed out, i get very irritated and upset with myself. And when the breathing speeds up, i feel like a shark in a fish tank ready to combust. 

I have hit my breaking point for the month today, so i am a lot more emotionally sensitive now and feeling so dumb. Everyone is probably good at something and bad at something yeah? It feels like i am bad at everything, like i can’t do anything right. I can’t seem to find something that fits me comfortably, or put it in another way. I can’t fit into anything at all. Why am i still alive when i am obviously good at nothing? 

Now whenever i get too stressed out, my head heats up. It’s like i am internally vaporizing my cells or something. And my stomach muscle will tensed up and start pulling/squeezing. 

Wish accounting modules could be less hazardous, wish my boyfriend could be here physically. I miss him so badly. 

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seamless bond

I don’t like how it fucking irks me. It’s ridiculous, but i can’t help feeling unhappy about it. I tried to brush it off but each time i think about it, i couldn’t help but feel disturbed by the jealousy that formed inside overtime. 

That unbreakable bond and all.

It’s something i will never have nor be a part of and that really turns my insides out. I am fucking unhappy with myself about it and it’s an unchangeable fact that i have to live with inside. 

If i could relate, then maybe. But no. I am disgusted with what i am seeing and hearing and i can’t erase it out of my mind. 

You have no idea how fortunate you are and that pisses me greatly. 

And funny how much it reminds me of myself. 

finding new ways to fall apart

Hadn’t been having good dreams the past few nights. I was subconsciously sobbing in my sleep uncontrollably because of an awful dream last night. It makes me feel so dull and gloomy upon waking up in the morning. The uncertainty about the future is not helping, i find myself keep worrying and keep stressing. It’s unhealthy, i know. 

As if bad things will let me off in the day, i am hitting a new low as i struggle with my financial reporting module more and more every passing week. it doesn’t get easier and i am half submerged in the waters. Dealing with this module further justifies my dislike in accounting figures. Sigh, and i hadn’t been slacking at all. Due to the difficulty of the module, i made sure i revise and recap thrice a week. Been feeling stress and frustrated with my brain. I may not manage my stress and time as well as you, but i am learning and getting better at it.

i have berated myself a few times for not following my gut feeling to pick another module instead of this. I kept telling myself i have to find some love in the module to make myself feel a little better. Need to press on and keep the momentum going after-all, this time next year i’d be worrying something more important for sure. I will get through this. 

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unchain those shackles

when you did what you need to do and it’s still not good enough. They remark disapprovingly and fault you for negligence. They are not here round the clock, so how could they say i did not do what i should do? You guys walked on eggshells during my depressed downtime and did try to consider my feelings. Now that i am all clear, what happened to sparing a thought for my feelings? 

Whatever i do, is not enough. Whatever i do that doesn’t conform with your expectations, it is never right. Only your advice are the correct standards i should adhere to. It feels like i am always doing more wrong than right. Looks like i have to bridge a wider distance from y’all. 

Live my own life? *scoffs* That doesn’t truly happen until i am out of here. 

Need to work 2x harder . Need to persevere, need to leave this place with results that show i can do it right with my own ways. Because i know if i were to screw up with my decisions and actions, there they will be waiting to toss their expectations in my face. 

Mistakes produce lessons, not representing failure. 

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the unkind beings

cbd
taken from @crimebydesign instagram

to keep comparing yourself against others isn’t healthy. persevere and keep going. pause, fuel up and continue. Getting there is never easy, but it’s what at the end makes every step worth. Good things require hard work.

it’s sad some people tend to take things for granted. How they manage to conveniently forget what you have done for them baffles me. And then they will take your flaws and pit them against you, judging you. These kind of people i don’t know whether to refer them as hypocrites / two faced or just being plain unappreciative. 

it takes $0.00 to be genuine , you know. 

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