lost and not yet found

stuck in a crossroad right now, my head’s filled with uncertainties with what i wanna do, what kind of job i am looking for and what kind of company will even wanna hire me. neither here nor there, i am unofficially an undergraduate and unemployed. 

i deserve a break, i think every student who just completed their final tertiary exams deserve a short break, for the very least. Yet, i find myself feeling the little pressure and fear nibbling my flesh away with the unspoken expectations i get from people around me. (& also the unsettled feeling about my results which will only be released in August- dreadful wait isn’t it?)

“Have you started looking for jobs?” “What jobs are you looking for?” “What are you going to do now?” Some of these questions placed me in the fiery pits of the unknown.

there are some things i wanna do, i wanna try but i lack the motivation, the money, the reason or rather the purpose. otherwise it just seems “useless and irrelevant” in the eyes of many, like it doesn’t relate to the course i spent four years mugging my ass off. 

it’s just, you are suppose to know what you wanna do, what you wanna be the moment you pick the course you want to study in university. I am one of those few who is still lost and unsure. Turning 25 in a couple of months and still unsure of life, i know how that sounds.

Eleven days since my last exam paper, i did make the minimal efforts to send my resumes out. But i highly doubt any will actually revert, honestly speaking. And while i am still gonna continue tutoring the kids (which i have grown to adore despite the constant nagging and reprimanding) to fund my daily expenses, i cannot just rely on that for the rest of the year.

Looking around me, friends mostly already have a stable job and are enjoying the perks of having a stable income while of course fretting over other serious problems on hand. I am constantly questioning myself, What the hell are you going to do from now?

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