Dust & Decay

Such a stressful week it has been, i feel like nothing but a disappointment, a constant letdown. A child who is always been slower than the others in the family. What i have been doing carry no value at all. 

The load in my heart has gotten a lot heavier after last night’s dinner. That feeling when people around the table, the ones you call Family start shooting arrows at you tactlessly. It is very uncomfortable and hurting especially when the ones who is suppose to know you better, doesn’t even help you put in a word at all. It makes you feel like the whole world is voicing out their opinions openly that i am still an immature, useless child who can’t support her parents financially when she’s already old enough to do so. 

A part of me knows i wouldn’t be emotionally affected if i myself didn’t feel that the remarks makes sense. 

I thought having part time jobs would be good to cover some of my expenses, so i needn’t have to ask for extra allowance (I’ve never asked for extra) nor do i need to spend so much more monthly.I save and i save well, but it is not sufficient in the eyes of others. I am still not independent enough. 

Since final year started, i have been working hard almost reaching the same level of discipline and consistency which i had during my second year. Procrastination pattern got eliminated, i made sure to pace myself. Progress is slow but with plenty efforts invested.

My anxiety levels have spiked a bit more due to academic stress and that i am more emotionally sensitive this past two weeks (with erratic dreams and improper sleep) but i am hanging there stubbornly. I am in a consistent momentum and i very much like to stick to this pattern all the way to exams. 

I know everyone have their fair share of tangled up problems and as we grow older our plate gets piled up with more shit. Have they ever put themselves in my shoes? It’s already tough enough of me to not unveil the ugly emotional side of me back when i was fighting depression and now that i am seemingly “100% back to normal”, everyone conveniently forgotten i have feelings like any other human. I am normal that doesn’t mean i can’t get whack back to that dark hole. 

Now that i am running around with a stressful mind, my emotions are a little all over the place, feeling very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable thanks to the accumulated stress over the past few weeks. As if i am not having low self confidence, now i feel even more inferior than before. 

I am still nothing but a burden, a caged bird, a flightless bird. 

They got no idea how much i yearn to unchain those shackles and be completely independent and now having to rely on people at all. I want to be useful too. I need to press on and work harder. To prove to myself and to others. Let’s continue to hang in there, peeps. 

Thank you, Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy). 

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