timer of my secret went off

Caution: Lengthy post 

We are all owners of secrets and also secret keepers. And in some occasions , we become secrets’ assassins as well. We as grown ups definitely do have a fair share of secrets kept from our families, parents especially.

Some may say most secrets become lies, no longer secrets when you spin the truth of it into something else. Some have no choice but to lie to protect their secret and protect relationships / friendships / kinships. And some lie to prevent ugly confrontations of their secrets. Basically, secrets can consist of harmless to deadly ones.

one of the most common secret that i’d have similar as you is probably we had a secret crush on someone when we were kids. Secret crush where we’d only confide in our best buds and when the secret gets leaked out, petty kids wouldn’t be friends for a temporary period. Ah, those childhood times. And the amount of secrets we have grow along with time and age, secrets become more confidential , more personal and carry more severe repercussions should it stay a secret no longer.

i have been harboring a secret for a few years that most of my friends already knew in which none of my family members come to know of. It’s not like i delibrately want to keep it from them. The fact that they are raise up in a conservative judgmental manner, it’s hard for them to relate or even understand my decisions. 

Yes, by posting this i know there might be a chance someday someone in my family will stumble upon. So be it, if they do. Anything posted online is never private anyway.

for many years, people are under the impression that individuals with inks are gangsters, bad influences to the society and prone to committing crimes. They will be seen under a different light, treated with a different attitude. How many criminals sitting in prisons have inks? I once saw a facebook post a man with many inks on his body turns out to be a surgeon. Would you not let him operate on you because he has inks and may have the thirst to kill you on the operating table? Inks have several meanings to different generations. Only recent generations (gen y mainly) did inks became a concept of art & hold a more open view towards people with inks. 

I was exposed to the existence of inks at a very young age. I was one of those kids who buy some powerpuff girls candy that comes with temporary stick on tattoos. I used to collect actively and had a fun time sticking those tatts on my body. By 16, i knew i wanted a permanent ink on myself. I wasn’t certain of a design yet but i knew for sure i won’t regret once i go for it. Hearing multiple stories of how people regret after some years, i planned to give myself more time- a few years in fact. When i hit 18, i was at the legal age to get an ink. But i didn’t because 18 is honestly an age where we make more silly mistakes. So i continued to keep the plan on hold. And then when i was 20, i was more than certain, more than ready. 

I wasn’t afraid that friends around me would see me under a different light or that they might leave me for fear i might bring bad influence to them. In fact, none of them left me for that matter. Maybe they did judge the design and unable to mask their surprise that i was determined to go for permanent ink on my skin, but they stayed. I wasn’t different in personality after inking. I am still me, i don’t have a switch in personality after having an ink. Nor was i under any bad influence or pressure to go for it. 

Mine carries significant personal meaning behind it. Every ink on an individual has a different story. I read articles of mothers inking their dead children’s names , couples inking their anniversary dates, faces of their family and the list goes on. And i wasn’t the least interested in flaunting my inks around either. Those who know me for years would know i am always covered, i never reveal them in my dressing. I inked for myself as a personal reminder, definitely not for others to see. 

However, this remains a secret to my family members. They are brought up in a conservative environment, under strong impression that people with inks are gangsters, delinquents, bad influence. I have a bunch of young cousins in which i do not want to be blame for down the road should they end up getting inks as well when they are old enough. Hence, i felt it’s better for everyone at home to not know. I don’t deny when it comes to family, i am worried of the repercussions. I am afraid my family will be the ones who’d judge and not understand. But well, i can’t fault them if they do. They don’t see it the way i do, they don’t know the personal meanings ink carries to its owners. 

It’s relatively tiring over the years to carry such a secret. I can’t go to hot springs during family trips, not even swimming. It’s for the better. I have to tell lies to protect my kinships as well. Not that i want to, i can only imagine how disappointed they might feel, questioning their way of bringing me up, questioning if i have more secrets hidden from them. 

My mom saw my ink again tonight. The last time she stumbled upon was back in 2012. I still chose to go with the “temporary ink” story (or lie if you want). I don’t know how much she buys my story but i wasn’t ready to let her in on the truth. She would never comprehend my story behind. It’s hard to want to reach out to family but unable to seek a rational understanding. 

last year i had thoughts of having a semi-colon ink during my depression period but i didn’t went for it that time. 

https://ghostsofnovember.wordpress.com/2015/09/22/project-semicolon/

If you ask me if it hurts undergo the inking process, no. It’s just like a mechanical pencil poking on your skin the duration. It’s bearable and even more if it’s on parts where you have more flesh. And if you are considering to get one, do keep it mind it will be with you till death. And when you are old , your skin will sag. Take all the time you need to consider, it’s a long term art investment on yourself. 

Every ink tells a different story and carries different feelings. 

Every secret comes with a price. Every secret have the ability to breed lies, destroy relationships and cause deaths. 

x

 

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