interrupted growth

It never gets easier. At all. When a problem gets agonising enough, we try to find ways to tackle the problem or make the problem less problematic / make it more easing but there’s always bound to be constraints and objections. 

I know they can’t relate but i don’t know how else to get them to understand and try to put themselves in my shoes. 

It’s not like i never put myself in their shoes. 

I am a natural worrier and a (very) paranoid human, my thoughts go to places and to different scenarios and i will always put myself in others’ shoes first. 

So how can i possibly not think how they feel , judge , say? It affects me. Their objections and all. It’s not the least surprising at all. And it hurts because they don’t understand , they don’t bother to. All they do is stick to their own opinions, jump into conclusions and my explanation to them will basically be invalid and immature. Oh and not sensible at all. 

It was like that too during my severe depression period. All my words go to the drain, their opinions and advice is always more valid because they are older, they have more life experiences. No, that is totally base on individual subjectively. And on top of that when i was depressed whatever my opinions were, it was deemed as invalid. I was seen as incapable of deciding / doing things properly , emotionally handicapped = unable to do anything right. I was like a walking time bomb and everyone didn’t know how to be themselves around me and when i show signs of little of my old self, they take it as i have recovered. 

Have they ever put themselves in my shoes back then when i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder? Have they did a thorough research on understanding both conditions? No and no. Did they take my emotional state for granted? Yes.

Tell me, which parent would actually be able to digest the fact immediately that their child has a mental condition fully without questioning that the kid might just be acting out and wanting attention? 

I am 23 going on 24. Surely i have gone through a fair amount of shit enough for my opinions and decisions to be valid. But no, apparently not. 

Yeah, i am probably seen as a person whose head is underwater, who is completely love blind and don’t have a clear mind.

I am an immature selfish kid who can’t manage her life the way they want it to be.

Yeah, i am better off being single not have any boyfriend, home bound all day and night study. That’s the perfect ideal child ain’t it not? 

Arya Stark calls herself as a girl with no name. Me? I am the girl with no say , bound to their opinions. 

I hate july . This is just the beginning, how wonderful. Done with my lengthy word vomit. 

And also back to complete shut them out mode.



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