Crumbling on memory

thoughts love to wander, today the mind wandered to land of the bad stuff 

Breakdown of bad stuff :

  • failing piano exam
  • rafael’s unexpected passing
  • failing every single exam paper this round 
  • wanting to throw up as i am typing this

    Exams not are over till thursday but i already know, this round failing all is inevitable. I am still trying to salvage what i can with the remaining time, but what am i even trying to rescue & recover?

    I looked into the exam board website earlier this afternoon, i wanted to withdraw. The temptation to fill in the withdrawal form was there. I am a disappointment. Failing all this year means i have to extend two more years unless the school is nice enough to allow me to take on 6 modules next year. 

    I am so sorry, Mom. I am so so sorry. 

    I put in 101% effort into my papers and the last 2 upcoming papers. But my best is not enough, my best is never enough. 

    But you are just two and three days away from the last two papers. Do your best, if fail, then do better next year. 

    It’s okay to fail but it’s not okay to give up. 

    Words echoed in my head and brought me back. I will word vomit the best i could on the last two papers. 

    And then, restart on a whole new page. 

    The horror of not being able to graduate is making my stomach feel sick. I feel like i chained myself in the ankles voluntarily and i can’t get out.

    Part of me wanted to blame on my emotional condition, part of me wanted to just fault the anxiety. Part of me wanted to blame all the pills i have taken had made my brain more stupid, more forgetful than it was. 

    i know better than anyone else i tried to convince myself that i am ok, that i think i have recovered. Who doesn’t want to be normal? But well, don’t ever lie to yourself, lesson learnt. Things don’t go well from there actually. 

    All these thoughts about the bad, about failing , being academically stupid and disappointing, i don’t deserve anything good .

    I feel like removing everything good out of my life because i definitely don’t deserve them.

    It’s not about keeping me safe, but keeping the good safe from me. 

    When you tried your best and you don’t succeed. 

    x

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