unsafe thoughts 

 For the first time in two months plus, my heart actually hurts so much to the point where i want to die.

those pills on the table, they were within reach. The unhealthy thoughts actually slipped in and i embraced them. 

At that point, i felt punishable. It’s my fault, if this is the only way i can punish myself, let it be. 

The past that was kept away neatly , that i thought i have let go completely came gushing back.

i miss Granny, i hate dementia. Dementia took her personality, memory and self-identity away from me. I don’t want to think what things are going to be like down the road for her, for the family. 

it’s tearing me apart, i wish i have the money and capabilities on hand.

i overestimate the value of family and the power of family bond. 

Not all family contain love and bond. Some contain nothing but pure bitter resentment.

“Sometimes family hurts you more than they could ever love you.” 

Tijan 

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