Anxiety’s hunger

Depression is like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind. You just got to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. It’s always there, though. – Jeffrey Eugenides 

Depression and Anxiety went on ‘vacation’ and they are missing home. 

My brain is their home, my thoughts is their oxygen and food. They are returning from a long vacation break, or rather, Anxiety is coming back hungrily first.

Nearly had an anxiety panic attack this morning before lecture today… It’s a close call. I managed to suppress and didn’t leave the theatre for fresh air nor even text anyone and tell them about it. 

Usually i’d text the close ones / find Kayden , so a pat on my back for managing on my own today.

It’s been weeks since i had an anxiety attack, so i guess this is the beginning of their return, a touch on the surface of the water.

No negative harmful thoughts for now. 

I don’t like taking Alzolam and Pinazepam (my previous anxiety pill) . I already requested to be dropped from taking Alzolam , doctor permitted. 

And today’s almost anxiety attack set some alarms off in my head. I still have extra Alzolam pills , but i don’t see the need to go back to consuming again as long as i manage it within my control.

I know the crying tap might go off in the night anytime soon. I am prepared for that. 

The only thing i hope is it won’t push me far enough for me to harbor thoughts of bottling up and shut down. 

Are depressives truly allowed to receive and give love ? 

Because i always felt that i don’t deserve to be love, i am incapable of being in a relationship , i am incapable of loving and my mental illness will fuck everything up. 

I don’t deserve love at all, i shouldn’t let love come in. I don’t deserve to feel happy. It feels like a crime. It’s practically giving the monsters chance to destroy things. 

The weight that depression bring to the people around me, it’s enough to bury and hurt them.

I never ever want to burden anyone negatively , i never want the sugar coating, i never want to be in the center of attention, i never want to drag anyone i care down. 

The darkness has just wrapped itself around my ankles. Sigh. Here goes the thunderstorm in my mind. 

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