Questioning the heart

Questioned alot about relationship issues tonight, i even ended up getting emotional and teared. Worried as hell, i hope things will turn better for them if not i would feel the need to intervene. 

I realise being a depressive, i tend to become more insecure in relationships, trust, as well as friendships. I become more paranoid, more panicky. 

It’s not that i am not trusting others, i tend to twist stuff and my mind would mindfuck me the stuff in a bad way. 

I also become more self conscious of my legs now because of how skinny i am, being more easily prone to getting bruises every single day. 

screwedup my soci prelims as expected, but i should be able to score a double digit fail than a single digit fail (i hope) 

The flu really blocked my mind during the exam, i wrote out of context but at least i tried and i manage to write 5 essays in 2 hours plus. 

marketing paper is next tuesday, i am terrified as fuck for it. It s somehow intimidating and scary. The other two papers that’s next thurs and friday is equally terrifying.

I know i will flunk all this time, but it’s how bad i will flunk bothers me alot.

Came home late tonight and Dad was still up and he came into my room and asked how was my paper today. I just gave a grunt and blew my nose.

He actually gave a comforting reply (which i dont remember in details) but well that’s a surprise. I dont know but i feel like, an emotion tidal wave is coming close. 

I have been kind of avoiding being alone with Gran for too long, because i am afraid i will crumble and scare her.

I can’t wait to recover, i still feel so sick and weak. The flu is really bad. Awful. 

And the sense of urgency to push myself harder for my studies is coming in a little at last.

I can always be myself and finding a new me around him. He stepped in. And i don’t know if he will turn around and flee if i say….

x

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