manipulative 

downed with a bad sore throat and cough. Bad timing to fall sick, i feel so lethargic and keep coughing that i feel like puking. 

received a sudden distress phone call from Granny last night while at Gabriel’s house for gathering with poly clique last night alarmed me.

I was shocked by her phone call and i am even more shocked how manipulative my family members (dad’s side) have became . I couldn’t trust anyone on that side anymore and it’s gut wrenching and disappointing. 

Dad’s gonna pick Granny up tomorrow and let her stayover for a week. Even though i will be mugging for my prelims, i’ll do my best to look after her, cook and bath her.

Hearing your Granny plead over the phone wanting to come over to stay because she’s upset is one of the most horrifying helpless feeling.

And i had to put on a mask infront of the others after hanging up on the phone with her, with helpless, depressing thoughts breeding at the back of my mind.

I am so screwed for my prelims. Tuesday’s my first paper and i am only 10% prepared. I am going to flunk all, literally and confidently.

I am very unprepared and now that this sudden dsfyunctional family matter came charging into the picture suddenly, my brain’s trying to register the things happening around me.

I mustn’t let it affect me even thou i know it will hit me eventually when Granny comes over. 

It’s going to be an emotional rollercoaster ride for sure, that i am certain of. Crying and all, there will be for me.

Told the rest of the clique last night about my depression and anxiety disorder. I felt sorry for keeping it for more than a year already. I finally reached out to all of them, it wasn’t easy, i struggled a bit with my words but i am thankful they took it calmly and understandingly.

I feel blessed regardless, to all of them. 

Meanwhile, i need the upcoming chaos to not let them devour me. I had a good week until last night’s phone call sort of slapped me back to the ugly side of my family i refused to witness that’s unfolding again.

I feel like running away to somewhere quiet and just study and be selfish, just focus on studying and don’t give a fuck to anyone in the family, but selflessness is embedded in me. 

I just can’t stop over caring. And that’s gonna be the death of me.

It just feels so right, like falling into the right places. A jigsaw piece fitting perfectly in a puzzle. Funny how skype calls feels better than nothing. The smile, the expressions. 

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