metamorphosis 

Went for my psychiatrist visit yesterday, my eyes bugged out when i stood on his weighing scale-39.2kg ? Did the scale break down or something? I know i am within 40-41kg range past few weeks, but 39.2 seems way too off.

I have been discipline enough to gym on weekly basis to improve my stamina & health (not building muscles) & my appetite is showing more signs of improvements. 

I really can’t wait my weight to swing into the 43 kg and then back to the healthy range. 

And god, Mark gave me a scare yesterday too. But i realised if i panic, he will also panic LOL. In a way. I better stop panicking around him. 

The worry and anxiety has finally kick in. Piano exam’s in the later evening, it’s like already past my tenth time sitting for a piano exam, but i am still a tensed up nervous person before an exam.

But after today, i can finally sit down (reluctantly & forecefully) and focus 101% studying prelims, my first paper is like next tuesday & i am totally unprepared for this year’s prelims in particular.

I don’t wanna push the blame entirely on having lack of time to mug, i hadn’t been productive these recent weeks so i am responsible for feeling the lag behind.

It’s weird to be used to someone’s presence for the past week and now that the person is 6,060 km away , i feel a little odd & a tinge of sadness. And it’s only just the second day. I wished i had given him a long hug. Aargh, fuck regrets. No, fuck me for being late.

And I guess that’s how things work when you get close to someone and wanting to learn more about the person, the timing just forbids the opportunity of it happening. 

Dosage for Normaz went up from 1/2 to 1 before bedtime, i am still taking fluoxetine & paxidorm too. BUT i still find myself waking up in the middle of the night.

It’s really exhausting, the mind jolt me awake and i thought it’s time for me to wake up but no, it’s in the middle of the night where people are dead asleep and i had to force myself back to sleep. 

I really need a peaceful quiet week to shift and shelf some thoughts aside. No crying episodes for the past three nights, i am keeping count.

Depressed , negative thoughts are repressed and away for the moment. 

I feel like a caterpillar going into a hibernation mode, or some sort. 

Except for the ball of nerves that is building up in my stomach for later’s piano exam, i hope today will be better day for everyone i love and care.

Something shifted in me. It s opening up , the walls are breaking. Spent Valentine’s day in the most unique way, and receive the weirdest funniest sweetest kind of present a girl will never expect.

x

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