Pain demands to be felt

when you have depression and you get into a relationship when you were feeling “better” and the relationship however didn’t end well, it doesn’t just simply ends there.

There will always be someone who’s cruel enough to bring that pain and past up to demean you. 

And the worse thing? Everything is your fault, and you have no choice but to take full responsibility because of your condition and the incapability of expressing emotions like normal girls. 

And of all mouths? It has to come from the one friend you know the longest in your life to say such demeaning words that reopened my old wounds and leaving it open. 

No amount of words is sufficient to describe how i felt today. 

The amount of tears, the amount of pain, the use of my past relationship as a form of personal attack, i felt my heart got dug out and crushed in a fruit blender. 

I nearly broke down in the train, but i suppressed all the way until i was home. And i couldn’t bear it any longer. I even gave Mom a shock for being in a sobbing mess the moment i went to my room.

I felt the mistakes tainted in my hands.

At night, I had the impulse to take the container of pills and take it all down. It felt almost appropriate. It’s to the point i had the courage to pick up the container of pills.

When i think about dying i never have the courage to hold the container of pills, but tonight it pushed me to the point i had the courage to hold the container of pills and looked at them silently.

i took the first step. All i had to do was a second step, pop all the pills down i’d be gone. But i dropped it immediately when i realised how dangerous i was in that moment. 

I am not going to drag my family down not right before CNY. 

I feel like everything’s my fault and i am never gonna become better. It feels like, nobody will ever understand, no guy will ever be able to comprehend my issues. I am batshit crazy, nobody can come into my heart and see me and love me for who i am. 

No guy will be able to love me , no one will be able to step in and unlock that complicated box i placed myself in.

The pain is never gonna go away. My depression will always be in the way. I will never find myself fall in love ever again. 

I will always fuck things up. It’s always me, i am always the problem. But it’s ok, staying single and becoming godmother of many kids has always been my plan since i was 16. 

Mask on tomorrow . 

x

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4 thoughts on “Pain demands to be felt

  1. take time for your self, time will heal you, and time will bring you right one to give a meaning in your life. enjoy every moment even it is the worst moment. xx

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