Moving up and about with just 4 hours of sleep or less, i am thankful i got my ass out of bed and get to school.
My eyes are sore and a little swollen from a crying episode last night. Hell, i wanted to drag myself out to the living room to sleep just to make sure i wouldn’t skip lecture today. I wanted to skip and not see anybody today.
Regarding my crying episode last night…
i am a silent observant person who reads people’s body language and quick to catch their actions especially ones that stepped into my inner circle.
I hate that because i am alot more sensitive now, i let simple actions of “hiding” (that’s vague, but i can’t specify details due to some reasons) affect me badly.
It’s something trivia to an outsider, but as i got involved right directly, i felt the impact of it. And it caught me by surprise.
I would describe it as being tied by ropes and left on an active train track a few times by a person i trusted who hesitated and didn’t want me to die yet didn’t want me to be alive either.
I shouldn’t let that person affect me especially when that person gave me positive encouragements yet i could see right through the person’s facade. But i couldn’t help it.
I got to remind myself out there in the society, there are more vicious people who do more harm than good. And i have yet to meet even worse people.
I wanted to seek comfort from kayden but i gave up since he got tied down by his university clique problems – he’s bugged enough.
And he always tend to use words like “you don’t understand. If you are me …” Those kind of words that though is unintentionally, but in a way it affects me.
Because i feel like i am not understanding enough, that i can’t relate. Of course i admit, i can’t relate to every single person’s problems. But certain matters if i been through before i could comprehend.
But i don’t blame him for his usage of words for his problems , i am already thankful that he appreciates me for listening. That’s good enough, at least i am a good listener.
met up with Angie for a quick dinner last night and boy, wished we get to spent longer time, if only it was friday but oh well. A few hours spent together is already more than what we can asked for due to our busy lives.
I am really honestly glad i can be more opened up with my depression when i talk to her one on one, i still quiver in my words when i talk about that subject but i feel a little braver when i speak out more.
It builds my courage to reach out to my other friends who are yet in the dark about me. Again i must highlight, i am not seeking extra concern / care by telling them i have depression.
I just want them to be aware of such thing , how it happens to an individual , how it changes and more importantly, how to avoid being like me. I am a walking example.
And i don’t wish to hide in the dark anymore, people need to differentiate the difference between a pessimist, a sad “emo” person and a person with depression & anxiety disorder.
As long as they are still there for me as usual, they already showed me who really matter and who don’t.
I don’t even mind if they come and go like the wind. But if they use my condition against me for the benefit of their own, it’s something cruel and foolish on their part.
Not everything in life is a competition, to me life is just finishing the race early/late doesn’t matter, it’s whether the journey was a fulfilling and a fruitful one that matters.
I don’t know was it due to the side effects of stopping the antidepressants (it shouldn’t affect so fast based on my past experience)
But i cried like shit over the matter that a person relatively close to me did. It bothered me and it still bothers me.
If it’s the old me, i wouldn’t give a fuck i wouldn’t be sensitive about it, in fact i will laugh and mock at such silly action. I certainly wouldn’t let it become additional pressure for me.
But now the present me no. I take everything cautiously to heart and each time something hurts me, i feel more sensitive and emotionally vulnerable.
It’s not like that, i know. But it’s how my mind twisted things that way to make me feel awful.
And to some people out there, stop expecting me to tell you every single thing. This is not give and take. It doesn’t work both ways.
You don’t have to force yourself to ask and care, neither is it my obligation to tell everything. You can choose to turn a blind eye and bother less. It’s all by choice.
Not that i don’t trust you, there are certain things i like to keep it to myself, such as wanting to fall off the stairs and sprain my wrist to miss my piano exam.
There’s this thing call personal privacy, my own box of belonging that nobody knows about. And i value that very strongly.
And everyone deserves a personal tiny circle of privacy specially for themselves. Like some secrets you would rather bring them to your coffin.
Meanwhile V’s words just came into my mind. What’s next?
Focus on revising marketing test and focus during lecture today and continue to worry and practice piano when i am home later.
Also, focus on family members especially the elderly during this CNY period even though i will be busy with studying but still, a few hours away from studies will do my mind good.
I mustn’t cry tonight again, i say as i look into the mirror and see that ugly tired girl. (Everyone have different definitions of ugly)
Demons in my head, i will not let you fuck my mind today, i must at least put up a fight or i will be a fucking mess.
And my maroon journal is still empty.