only we can save ourselves

to all depressives /strangers out there , ❤️

Depression is a disease of thoughts that breed toxic lethal thoughts. 

It also builds toxic friendships or rather reveals toxic people around you as well. 

You could be the toxic one , the other party could also be the toxic one or both. I am so glad i keep myself far away from toxic bad influenced friends for the benefit of myself and themselves.

Count their blessings they don’t have to deal with such shit like me because i can hardly put up with mine, i can’t put up with additional nonsensical ones.

There’s this saying that goes something like avoid people who are too negative, they darken your life . Something along those lines.

I feel that kind of statement indirectly states depressives should be staying away from “normal” people. It’s like a line drawn between sunshine joyful people and sad depressed people.

Those who watched Inside Out movie, remember Joy drew a circle specially for Sadness?

I have drawn a circle around me and i don’t like joyful friends stepped into that circle for a little too long even if it means they genuinely care for me. 

I don’t deny depressives do have some bad influence on people around them, be it close friends / family. It really depends on how close and emotionally careful an individual is, treading on eggshells around a depressive and not to get “contaminated” by that disease easily. 

That’s why i tell my close friends to not visit my site too often. It’s unhealthy and it has a role of bad influence especially when they don’t suffer from depression and have anxiety disorder.

Even my own mother feels upset and depressed when she witness my whole transition this whole time, i can’t stop her from witnessing, nor can i stop her from caring. 

Therefore the only way is shut up and push away. Put on a facade, keep up with what is necessary infront of people. Keep mumb about everything.  

Not exactly bottling everything to myself, but holding back certain things from them is better for them honestly speaking. 

On a side note, i have voluntarily cut ties with fluoxetine starting tonight. I am only depending on Paxidorm and Nordaz in the night for my sleep. 

that means i have cut myself away from the antidepressants, to see what kind of withdrawal effects will it have and if my memory will be better. 

If it does… i need other meds or perhaps rely on my willpower (mentally speaks to my psychiatrist) 

If it doesn’t… Then well we will know.

Anxiety pills as usual, keep at bay. I won’t consume it unless the anxiety attack gets too out of hand that i can’t suppress it. 

It’s a good thing i will be busy with school stuff this february, will be avoiding certain meet ups. I need lesser social contact with big group of people. 

Some people who insist on stepping in to help because they care (thank you) , end up hurting themselves in the process without realising it is a double edge sword, only difference is the emotional impact on me is twice the pain. 

People failed to realise to that some tactless words they use unintentionally, affects us depressive a lot more.

Because we are vulnerable and very sensitive. And we can’t blame them, but our own heightened emotional sensitivity. 

I want my circle to seal up and not allowing visitors in for the time being. 

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