colors that cause an outburst

 
I like dark colors. I like dark pink. I like dark blue. 

But loud colors like bright pink, bright red they turn me off. But i won’t go to the extend of having emotional outburst until tonight.

 
I came home to this bright loud pink bedsheet that’s used annually around CNY season. At first i reluctantly bear with it. 

Bur as i began to sort out my studies and appointments for busy february, i find my stress level began escalating as i look at the loud pink sheet and bolster case.

It was unbearable that i wanted to burn my bed. I ended up changing out the sheet and the bolster case. I couldn’t stand it. I felt overwhelm and i ended up screaming at my mom for not understanding that the loud pink color is aggravating my state of mind. 

I will have to make it up to her, even though she still doesn’t comprehend how depression works around me.

It doesnt just drives me crazy, it makes me feel like i am in an empty loud pink room, caged. 

It has never happen before such outburst due to loud colors. I don’t know why, does certain colors aggravate your stress /emotional state of mind? 

And my period is late. I don’t know if it’s badly affected by my declining weight. I am like 41.07kg instead of 47-48kg range.

People are beginning to be more observant of my sudden weight loss, i am not proud of it because people misunderstand my weight loss as dieting / anorexic . 

I am more conscious , i am trying to improve my appetite but chocolates, chicken turns me off. 

I feel like i am gonna have a crying episode tonight. I feel so pathetic and weak. Just a loud pink bedsheet is easy enough cause an outburst. 

I feel so disgusted that i am super sensitive to everything around me now.

Even words , even statements , it’s so weird. I am losing me. I am becoming sensitive to certain remarks that are not suppose to be causing an uproar inside me.

What’s happening to me? Can i dig out that part of me? Cause it’s unbearable.

I know it’s good that i am being expose to new friends, and helping others make me feel useful. 

But at the same time i feel the other side of me is crumbling badly and quickly, i succumb to certain things faster than before.

The rollercoaster ride that’s been going up and down, is going downwards really fast this time.

I hate depression. Can that entire chunk just disintegrate? If all it takes for me to lose my sanity just to lose that part of it, i wouldn’t mind either.

At least asylum rooms are white in color.

Tonight, i am just going to cry till i can’t cry anymore. 

x

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