I like dark colors. I like dark pink. I like dark blue.
But loud colors like bright pink, bright red they turn me off. But i won’t go to the extend of having emotional outburst until tonight.
Bur as i began to sort out my studies and appointments for busy february, i find my stress level began escalating as i look at the loud pink sheet and bolster case.
It was unbearable that i wanted to burn my bed. I ended up changing out the sheet and the bolster case. I couldn’t stand it. I felt overwhelm and i ended up screaming at my mom for not understanding that the loud pink color is aggravating my state of mind.
I will have to make it up to her, even though she still doesn’t comprehend how depression works around me.
It doesnt just drives me crazy, it makes me feel like i am in an empty loud pink room, caged.
It has never happen before such outburst due to loud colors. I don’t know why, does certain colors aggravate your stress /emotional state of mind?
And my period is late. I don’t know if it’s badly affected by my declining weight. I am like 41.07kg instead of 47-48kg range.
People are beginning to be more observant of my sudden weight loss, i am not proud of it because people misunderstand my weight loss as dieting / anorexic .
I am more conscious , i am trying to improve my appetite but chocolates, chicken turns me off.
I feel like i am gonna have a crying episode tonight. I feel so pathetic and weak. Just a loud pink bedsheet is easy enough cause an outburst.
I feel so disgusted that i am super sensitive to everything around me now.
Even words , even statements , it’s so weird. I am losing me. I am becoming sensitive to certain remarks that are not suppose to be causing an uproar inside me.
What’s happening to me? Can i dig out that part of me? Cause it’s unbearable.
I know it’s good that i am being expose to new friends, and helping others make me feel useful.
But at the same time i feel the other side of me is crumbling badly and quickly, i succumb to certain things faster than before.
The rollercoaster ride that’s been going up and down, is going downwards really fast this time.
I hate depression. Can that entire chunk just disintegrate? If all it takes for me to lose my sanity just to lose that part of it, i wouldn’t mind either.
At least asylum rooms are white in color.
Tonight, i am just going to cry till i can’t cry anymore.