I came across a depression post that the blogger mentioned Depression is like one’s personal Dementor (for those who read/watch Harry Potter would know) it’s a creature that sucks happiness out of humans.
I couldn’t help but nod my head and agree with the blogger. And my own personal dementor follows me like a shadow just that it doesn’t disappear in the night.
When i sleep, it invades my dreams. It never truly leave me alone, what a loyal team Depression x Anxiety & other disorders are.
I feel very burdensome and guilty towards my close friends. Be it they care in the form of making handmade artistic creative art , or buy me food hoping to fatten me up , constant check ups on me via text messages , giving me virtual / physical hugs or being more observant when i zone out / grow quiet.
I am thankful for every little action they do even if just a simple text “Sup” makes me feel that ok, i am still existing in this world. I hadn’t fade out completely from this world.
Sometimes i feel sorry when i become distant / give a cold attitude not because i am angry at them. I just wasn’t feeling normal. I was in a “i want to be alone & not talk to anybody” state.
Had my usual gym workout with Sachi today who makes my Mondays no longer blue anymore. She surprised me with this pack of nutella & handpaint/ handwritten quote that i liked.
Such a simple gesture with so much love & concern. I know she’s not a person who’s good at comforting verbally so she cares through such artistic action which i greatly appreciate.
I mean, some of us express better in actions , some through words. For me definitely is through words in terms of relationships hahaha. Friendship, i usually express through actions & warm words towards my girlfriends & brutally honest words towards guy friends.
I hate sugarcoating my words to comfort people make them feel better, i am sure by the age of 21, they are strong enough to accept brutal honest remarks, especially advice that they don’t tend to want to heed.
Now that i look back on my progress past 3 months, it’s been a huge plunge in my emotion market. But i am glad i reached out to more people even though not all able to comprehend, but i feel slightly better reaching out and telling them about my condition.
I am just so glad that none of them distance themselves from me.
I want to feel better. I really do. But just not tonight, not this week and not the next few months will i be able to completely discard my pills aside.