Yesterday was a really heart warming friday spent with V. Nostalgic talking abt high school days, high school scandals and rumors.
Reconnecting with her after almost 7 years allowed me to see my world in a different light. She answered some of my unanswered questions that lingered in my mind for months.
And also after having a heart to heart talk with her, i am honestly glad that the decision of ending my short brief relationship was a right choice.
I wasn’t in a stable good place and when it escalates downwards, i tend to push people (or rather my bf) away like as though i am contagious. I just felt at that point i was really in no condition to be with someone.
I would end up relying on the guy as a pillar of support and i will end up moulding my identity around his , and in turn losing my own in the process.
It’s not healthy as Debra mentioned to me months ago when she broke up with her 3 years bf due to her condition as well. We are all evolving all the time, and usually at this age most people would already have a stable self identity whereas for depressives we are usually fading in and out of different states.
We never settle and mould ourselves firmly at a stable state. It’s good to have support from family and friends, but we will get too carried away and be too dependent and end up becoming someone whom others want us to be instead of who we want to be.
Talk with V made me feel so much better. What’s next infront not what’s the future ahead mindset instead would be healthier.
So what’s next infront of me?
Focus on my test , piano exam and prelims .
I need to keep calm and get through February, it’s gonna be exhausting , hectic and stressful every single week of the month.
But it’s ok, i know i will try my best day by day. I hope tomorrow will turn out well, i hope the peeps will appreciate what was prepared for them.
And look, surprise flowers when i was having an afternoon nap!
I wasn’t afraid / shy away from talking abt my psychiatrist and pills infront of my family anymore when they were concern about my sudden weight loss.
I guess that comforts me and make me happy at the same time.
The nice thing i did today? Saying thank you to three stylists who highlighted my hair & wash my hair etc.