For the first time

Started the morning feeling this undescribable sadness and heaviness loomed over me. I knew it was going to be an awful day. 

But i didn’t expect it to turn out that bad.

I underestimate the power of Depression today. 

I cried so badly for the first time this year. Had an awful agonising breakdown in my bedroom that when Mom came in and found me on the floor, i screamed at her literally to get out.

She even suggested me to visit my psychiatrist again this week and i started screaming and sobbing hysterically.

I thought i was losing my sanity. I was completely out of control of my emotions. Never have i lose control and scream loudly while crying. 

I ended up bawling like a baby and the sobbing couldn’t stop for like an hour or more. It hurt so much that i wanted to die. 

Hearing those unhelpful cliché statements my mom said and her volume began to increase as she continued to try to pry words out of me, i continued to scream at her to get out. 

I wanted to take down all those pills. I wanted to vaporize. I wanted her to get out of my safety zone. I wanted to be alone. 

I know i hit the breaking point, rock bottom the moment i couldn’t control my crying when Mom came in.

She shouldn’t have come into my room, unlocking my door. I blame myself for not being able to suppress my emotions till bedtime. 

It’s the worse ugly crying episode ever so far and things will get uglier along the way.

After tonight’s episode, i am never the same again. 

A huge part of me got ripped apart and i feel completely vulnerable and seen through like glass now.

The walls around me have crumbled and i know when i build them up again, i will keep everyone out this time. 

Nobody deserves to get hurt from breaking down my walls. 

I am heading to school with eyes feeling sore and tired tomorrow for sure. I have to push myself all the way till death comes for me. 

On a side note, the only nice thing i did was sharing my sweets with my friend today. And perhaps the only thing that i felt happy or rather relief was a 5 seconds recharge clinging onto Kayden from the back. 

I feel safer clinging onto a friend’s shoulder from the back as he/she won’t be able to see that vulnerable moment of me. 

x

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