the feeling that came along with it

I am disgusted of having to take so many pills (this pic is taken before i do the swapping of old to new pills for the next four weeks) . 

My doctor switched vit C to vit B6 to help my appetite and no more Clomipramine for me (Yayy that’s 1 less antidepressant pill to take) , and Alzolam (hello new friend) is my new pill to cope with my anxiety attack.

I googled the side effects of Alzolam & i am not exactly fond of it, so we will test our new friendship out over the next few days. 

A part of me wonder what happens if i were to chuck like 50 pills down into my system. Will i die? Will i OD ? Or will i be brain dead? 

I don’t really look forward to this week, time’s moving too fast. I have so many stuff to revise, to finish, to do. Time is not enough on my side. And i am still wasting time thinking about dying.

When i told my doctor about a school mate committing suicide on the day of the exam, he was like baffled. Like what? 

How is it not possible? It’s not reported in the news, i mean what’s the point of announcing such depressing news. Almost every university out there sure to have student suicide cases. 

And besides, there are other more impactful world news that requires more media attention. 

And then he ask me the same question as he did last year, “How many percent are you feeling better already?” 

With a breathe and a pause, i gave my reply “60%.” He looks at me skeptically and ask again. I just gave a shrug and went on blabbering about my nightmares. I don’t know, i don’t measure my emotional well-being through percentage. 

On good days i still think about dying, just lesser. That’s still a little difference right?

I am awfully tired of taking pills. I used to take them pill by pill each at a time. Now i ll just put all of them into my mouth and chuck down with a mouth of water.

Sigh. Phobia, i guess.

Meanwhile, I really don’t like this week and for the rest of the next six weeks. Or maybe till March even. 
Fingers cross that i have no panic attack this week. 


I am becoming my own secret. What about you? 


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