Depression is not just about feeling sad / wanting to die. Depression is also having to live with the monsters screaming inside your head every single day.
“Are you on diet? You are not fat, eat more.”
Surface me : “I am really full.”
Inner me : “No i am not. I am developing a form of eating disorder. I will throw up if i force myself to eat more than my mind wants me to.”
I am absolutely sick of giving the same answers over and over again to my family.
I know they are concern of my health and well-being, i feel their worry, i really do.
But they don’t understand, i am really not on some slimming diet. I am slim enough and my bmi hit the underweight range last weekend.
Can’t the tech savy adults google “depression and eating disorder” ? That’s where i found my answers and symptoms.
That’s why i will never open up and reach out to any of them about my depression and anxiety disorder. And on top of that, eating disorder. They are clueless as to how all these morph into one.
I’d rather keep my mouth shut and just nod my head as though i am accepting and following whatever advice they give.
They worry but they don’t understand. I know i am partially responsible, i should be telling them how / what is depression about.
It’s already hard and hesitant of me to step out and reach out to my close friends one by one. Reaching out to my family will be a different thing. They think depression is equivalent to stress, that i am stress over my school work hence i am depress.
There’s more to that, oh goodness.
There are people who tend to also separate suicidal and depression in complete different entities. But it’s not, those two disease of thoughts are relatives. They belong in the same family tree.
Does depression leads to being suicidal or being suicidal leads to depression? It’s similar to asking whether the chicken or egg comes first.
Celebrated youngest cousin’s birthday last night, i made little conversations with my family, avoided eye contact. I busied myself with tidying up the utensils and leftovers as well as feeding my younger cousins & watching out for their safety as they run around.
I don’t want to join in on any part of their conversations , i could feel this rift between myself and my family. It’s like i could read their body language and actions.
“Sheryl has depression. She looks sad and moody. She’s not talking much, she’s on diet.”
I know they don’t know how to be comfortable completely around me, always trying to find happy topics to talk about. Everything around me just feels forced. I don’t bring myself to socialize either.
I can’t sit down in a corner because they will think i am “emoing” , so i ended up moving about cleaning up stuff / opening doors for the younger cousins.
I felt awful because i am the one causing the ambience to be gloomy. My presence brought about negativity and darkness.
February is a hectic hell month and i am mentally prepared for unhealthy thoughts and anxiety attack to hit a new high , but it will just nice give me an excuse to avoid seeing my family for a few weekends.
I just don’t feel like facing them all so often (despite it’s just a weekly basis) . Things are going to be uglier for me in February, there will be a lot more crying , more pressure ,more outbursts.
I am just so ready to shut out everyone as soon as February comes in. Even when i think about how i will be like in February is already enough to bring out fear and tears.
I am still weak, i am still struggling as i fall deeper into the darkness.