Gone are those normal days

such an exhausting week for my brain and body. I am moving about with barely enough sleep and february will be 29 days of hell (almost literal) for me.

I have assignments due on the first week, test during the chinese lunar new year week , piano exam will likely be on the 3rd week and prelims will kick off on the last week of february.

I’ve yet to set a consistent study schedule starting this weekend all the way till my main exams which is in May. 

Seems like there’s ample time to mug, but when there’s a lot of formulas & theories to memorize, you need more than just time- MEMORY POWER. 

met up with Kayden and Wildie last night for dinner, and when Wildie mention how skinny my legs is and how my face looked shag and thinner , it dawned on me that it’s obvious to people that i am losing plenty weight due to reasons that they won’t come to think of.

I have to be careful around those friends who doesn’t know. I am still not ready to share reasons / reach out to those friends who don’t know a thing.

Paranoid me will end up wondering what kind of judgmental remarks they would be talking about behind my back once they know, i don’t wish to let my mind wander to that area. 

I know i am looking more shagged week by week, i am still working on my appetite slowly and force myself to go to the gym every Monday morning.

All my favourite food just feels so sick to me. I am worse than a pregnant woman. 

Will be visiting my psychiatrist on Monday, i am thinking what to update him about apart from my constant thoughts of wanting to die.

I know telling him the increase in the number of anxiety attacks in school is going to make him bring up about the past and it will again reveal the vulnerable side of me. 

And the thought of him asking me to stand on the weighing scale, he’s going to raise his eyebrows when he sees the drop.

I feel like one of these days i will find myself collapsing from exhaustion emotionally and physically.

The kind of tired that makes life feels so meaningless and lack of fulfillment. 

I just woke up two hours ago and i am heading back to bed again. Too tired and too depress to face reality / talk to people today. 

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