empty heart heavy thoughts

Sharing. Somehow the more you give away, the more comes back to you. – Quoted from V’s blog 

Alan Rickman has passed away, aged 69. Famous for his acting role as Professor Severus Snape in Harry Potter series.

I feel like a childhood memory of mine got ripped away. Growing up watching Harry Potter and being an avid reader of the series, Alan Rickman did protrayed the role of Severus Snape really well.


May his soul be at peace and he will always be remembered by every fan of Harry Potter round the world. Always. 

Emotional side of me bring tears to my eyes when i read the news of his death on twitter. I thought it was a hoax until i googled to verify. 

He had a fulfilling life , i am pretty sure. As compared to mine, i feel ashame. He battled cancer and never gave up.

Cancer runs in my family so i know more or less the chances of me getting cancer is really high. I have already mentally prepared myself that at some point in my life, i would be diagnose with cancer. 

And in which that case i would not opt to go for chemotherapy (should it be in the early stages) i wouldn’t fight, to be honest. 

Not lack of will, not lack of reasons. I have every valid reason to live as much as you do. But just that in my perspective, my life isn’t worth that much to spend so much on fighting against Cancer. Sure, there are people who battled & win and there are those who fought bravely & still didn’t win but they died as a fighter. 

For that, they deserve all the respect. For me, i don’t wish to burden my family with the medical bills, even after death. It’s just something i have planned firmly in my mind when that time comes.

This is a really depressing post, then again which post of mine ain’t depressing? *chuckles*

Meanwhile, i survived Thursday. Lecture was tedious as usual but i hanged in there without taking my anxiety pill. I suppressed and managed to pull through the gruelling three hours.

Thank God for that. Baby steps.

Met up with Koey and AJ, feels like months since i last seen them despite conversing with them almost daily on whatsapp. 

But nothing beats seeing one another face to face. 

I had a relatively calm good day, surprise send off for YY at the airport though she’s just going on a short trip. Well, it’s fun and i had a good time. 

Right now, many kinds of thoughts are flashing through my mind. I hadn’t pull my mind completely away from that horrible dream. 

I still find myself jolting awake an hour before the alarm goes off. It’s really exhausting but there’s absolutely nothing can be done, except maybe a baseball bat.

I just don’t want to have any more screaming nightmares for the next few days. It fucks with my mind and it fucks with my heart and more importantly, it stays and haunts and never have the intention of going away.

Or… Perhaps i am just starting to get frightened of the monster i see in the mirror every morning. 



One thought on “empty heart heavy thoughts

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