What’s on the other side?

had the worst nightmare (it may just be a normal dream to you) since my depression relapse. 

I woke up in tears screaming/wailing at 4+ am that my mom could hear from her bedroom. 

I was in deep emotional pain that i just let the dream consume my mind. I couldn’t stop the crying due to the shock. 

I ended up popping down another sleeping pill that send me back to sleep for another 3 hours. 

the nightmare wasn’t about monsters or ghosts chasing me. It was my secrets spilling and me getting cornered by my guy friends (incl my ex boyfriend) who were once close to me.

The punishment of keeping secrets? They come haunting you in your sleep. Especially the secrets that you rather bring to your coffin. 

I remembered vividly in the dream my ex boyfriend argued with Kris (one of my close guy friend) over Kris’s feelings for me & i looked at my ex in tears ,shaking my head in despair because it was the first time we met since we broke up (based on my dream. We hadn’t met since June). 

And when he gave the “i know what you did last summer ” look when i was cornered by him and my other guy friends, i was completely ruined in my dream & in reality. 

I wrote my dream down the moment i woke because this dream (to me it’s a nightmare) is too nerve wrecking. It’s came too close to me on the emotional side. 

Even right now, i am still disturbed by it. It feels like a pre-warning what’s coming my way. I could feel paranoia wrapping itself comfortably around my ankles like a snake. 

I can’t shake off the feeling that something even worse is going to happen. I might just die from the secrets i bottled up so closely to my heart.  

I feel like crying in a corner and give in to the other side that wants to eat finish what’s left remaining of me. 

I could barely keep up acting normal the entire day despite i had overseas trip plans to keep me occupied throughout the afternoon.

Now that i am alone after class, the moment of self-loathing comes in. I hate that girl in the mirror i see everyday. I hate how weak she has become, how defenceless she became. 

x

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6 thoughts on “What’s on the other side?

  1. I get this too. Anxious dreams that all my demons catch up with me and the whole world gets to see them. It doesn’t sound that scary to other people, but I wake up feeling terrified and humiliated. I wish you all the best with your recovery. Laura

    1. It’s really terrifying like night terror. Sometimes it feels like the dreams had peel layers of us off and shame us! It’s really exhausting to deal with our demons in the day & in our sleep as well. Thank you dear ! You too, keep on fighting! x

  2. Hi there, Sheryl.

    Dreams are a totally normal, healthy aspect of sleeping and nothing to worry about, … technically. That said, it sounds like you had a night terror or something. Your dreams don’t tell the future or anything like that.

    Dreams can and often do hint at how you feel about yourself, others, and aspects in life. Things bottled up can appear in dreams, which is totally normal.

    You have nothing to fear—there is nothing foreboding about your dreams; they’re just an unfortunate thing you’re going through and will hopefully subside in time.

    When sleeping, the brain typically explores your fears and desires. Sometimes the brain will explore bizarre things you wouldn’t in a million years consider awake, and that’s entirely normal. It’s OK. You’re normal.

    Hope things get better for you. If possible, might be worth getting some professional help.

    1. Hi! I see my psychiatrist monthly basis so yeah i think i will talk to him about it in my upcoming visit, hopefully there’s some way i could deal with them.

      It makes me paranoid and become more depress at the same time when a dream has such impact on me sigh!

      Thanks for the advice ! 🙂 x

  3. Oh, and with regards to your secrets: you might find that they’re not quite as horrible as you initially thought. I spent years keeping some pretty messed up secrets as a young lad, but then grew and wisened up and learned the things I felt were horrible and wrong, were, for the most part, actually completely normal.

    1. I guess it s normal to keep secrets but sometimes it s harder when you have to keep them to yourself because it will hurt someone. Secrets are meant to kept but nobody s warned that there’s a price to pay when keeping secrets 😦

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