tired rambling 

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. – TS. Eliot

Another Monday. Another new week. Another day closer to prelims . Another day closer to piano exam. Another day closer to the main exams.

Another day i have to give my mental state a push , strapping the negative thoughts with a seatbelt. 

“You are too tensed up. A hopeful piece of song became a sorrowful piece when you played it. I couldn’t feel the joy of the music instead it was sorrow. You are playing in sadness. You are good, you are there. You need to fight that state of mind you are in.” 

Words of my piano teacher as we conclude our last lesson for this month. I am not doing enough. I have one more month to deal with my music.  

I couldn’t or rather, i can’t relate to a happy piece of music well. 

It’s basically telling my mind, why be happy when you are perfectly safe in sadness? 

My mind’s flooded with a lot of thoughts right now, i am starting to feel the increasingly intense pressure with my academic revision progress as well as perfecting the piano pieces. 

I need to dedicate more time to studying on  the weekends. I have wasted too many weekends on my bed thinking about death and dying. 

I have to push myself further and see how far i will go this time and perhaps hoping i won’t end up falling in the process.

Everyday there are people dying. I always find myself asking just why am i not one of them who died suddenly? Why am i still living? 

I know i should be thankful. There are dead people out there who wanted to live longer but weren’t given the chance. I should embrace life every morning i wake up.

Yes i know, i know all these positive thoughts very well. But it doesn’t sit well with a depressive. It doesn’t apply to my perspective about my own life.

It’s tiring and agonising feeling this indescribable sadness and pain that is wrapped perfectly around my mind all the time.

I live on it, at the same time i am scared of it. Because it’s how i function at the same time that’s how it destroys & ruin me along the way. 

x

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