Ungodly hour of pain

It’s the morning dread that extends into an all day affair. It’s how your feet drag, how your head lays low and how your eyes avoid contact or stare into abyss.

It’s the façade of being a yes person, accepting social invitations you always regret when you would rather be in bed.

It’s the tiresome effort to keep up with life’s charade that eats at you slowly. 

Woke up from an emotional nightmare that brought tears to my tired swelling eyes . It’s 3:42am on Sunday and the sun has yet to rise.

When will the nightmares leave me alone? 

I couldn’t return to sleep so here i am, utilizing my time and energy. 

Told Kayden a big chunk of my situation and condition, thankful he didn’t walk out and glad he’s ok to be there for me should i need to reach him physically if he’s in campus.

Every time i confide to somebody about my condition, i am scared and worried. It’s really not easy to confide and tell someone what are you coping with even if they may not be able to comprehend.

It feels like, whatever i share is equivalent to giving a piece of my life to them as well. Or rather, a jigsaw piece.

And every piece contains a different story and together the pieces form me. 

Thanks Koey for checking up on me time to time too, it means a lot to me. 

School has finally emailed me regarding my attendance rate. Yes it has dived into the 89% range and i can’t miss any more classes for the time being (tuesdays especially). 

The modules are all getting tougher, i have to spend a few hours working on my soci essay later & complete it as well so i could submit in time on tuesday. 

I am so tired and my head is jammed up with all sorts of thoughts at such a hour. My weight had decreased again, 42.1. 

Family began to notice i am skinnier.  I ended up lashing out at the dining table at gramps place because they thought i was on diet. 

I AM NOT ON DIET. I am quite frustrated that i am losing weight because i have been stuffing myself with pineapple tarts the whole week. 

And pineapple tarts contain a lot of calories. 

I m turning into some weird vegetarian. I don’t eat fish and meat, and i am picky with vegetables. I stuffed myself with a lot of fruits to boost my immunity and vitamin intake. 

I know it’s just a matter of time i will collapse from fatigue and lack of proper intake of food. 

And …. I m sort of in the underweight range base on my BMI. So yes, i believe eating disorder has stepped into my life. I have lost complete interest in eating my usual favourite food. 

The nauseous feeling s at my throat and i can’t help it. 

I wished my family could put more effort in understanding depression. It doesn’t vanish overnight. 

Thoughts of dying just crept into my mind. Those voices need to stop. I wish all the emotional pain and guilt could all go away. 

x

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