Panic attack in school 

 “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. 

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
Stephen Fry

I hate thursdays. Thursdays never fail to be merciless, relentless to me. Or perhaps, it’s the module that i have on Thursdays.

The complexity of management mathematics escalates my stress and anxiety level faster than a person pissing the shit out of me.

Depression is not going to be the death of me. Juggling my study progress & fighting depression x anxiety will be the death of me.

I was in the middle of the lecture this morning and the alarms in my head went off. My heartrate increased and my hands began to tremble.

I visualized myself exploding into screams and storm out of class. I could feel anxiety gushing past my temples, i was having a small stress panic attack right in the middle of lecture.

I keep taking deep breathes and sighing just loud enough for my friends sitting beside me to hear. The overwhelming stress was plummeling onto my shoulders and i felt like puking while jotting down notes.

I felt so sick looking at the maths stuff that i was jotting down. The equations looks intimidating enough to devour my sanity. I was feeling nauseous and the last time i feel nauseous while studying was right before i suspected i was suffering from depression. And that was a year ago.

I had to stop jotting. I sighed deeply and just stared at my lecturer who continued to droned on & on about the topic as though he doesn’t need to stop and breathe oxygen.

He has healthier lungs than me apparently.

Can i don’t feel a thing? I feel so vulnerable and completely defenceless against sudden anxiety attacks.

It’s been happening more frequently as my piano exam and prelims draw nearer.

I found myself jolting awake last night at 3+ am again, this time i woke up in sweat. I was in a panic state when i woke up and i couldn’t return to sleep. I ended up staring out at the window like a starving owl stuck in a cage.

After lecture ended, i was suppressing the overwhelming stress and mingled with my peers for awhile before i headed to the library with HB (my closest uni peer) .

She knows i have depression but she doesn’t understand how we struggle with it in detail, and i didn’t want to worry her. (Koey wasn’t in school & AJ had already completed her uni studies)

I needed to talk to someone that i m completely comfortable with. And I could only find the one and only remaining person that i could think of who’s in campus at that time – Kayden.

He’s a good friend, a person whom i would describe very kind , soft hearted and a little at times, naive. He’s nice and i trust him on a certain level.

But he doesn’t know what i’ve been fighting / struggling with apart that UOL (the university i am in) is a tedious stressful school.

I felt a little guilty taking him away from his university clique, spent twenty minutes or so chatting about him adapting to uni life. I am happy and glad for him to see he’s adjusting slowly and comfortably.

I could feel my heartrate return normally, i was calming down, the tsunami in my mind slowly toned down and faded behind the curtains.

He was a good form of comfort, momentarily took my worries and stress away. I was able to trust myself with him and keep myself occupied, away from those silly negative thoughts.

If he wasn’t around at that time, i’d be in a toilet cubicle having a mental breakdown.

I may have close friends that i can text rightaway when i am having an attack / feeling depressed, but physically talk makes things alot better. It tones down the negative waves pretty quickly.

I feel it’s perhaps time to come clean and tell him what i am struggling with , and hoping he won’t avoid or fear and judge me upon knowing i have depression for over a year.

In a way, i could only think of him as an emergency form of physical communication should i need again during a panic attack since he’s in campus on Thursdays as well.

I know i mustn’t rely on him completely if he were to be willing to be a listening ear as he has his own circle of university friends plus studies to focus on.

I know i need to find some way to stop panic attacks from going off during lectures, but i can’t help it at the moment.

The nauseous feeling is just the start of another problem. I silently hope the nauseous feeling won’t happen again otherwise, i am back to ground zero just like a year ago.

How do you tell a friend who may not be able to handle such serious issues that you have depression and you may need his presence as a form of calamity when things go out of control ?

I am afraid he will see me in a different light, the look of pity and helplessness , the kind that makes me feel even more vulnerable .

x

 

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