I am the voice inside your head and i control you, i am the hate you try to hide and i control you
I am denial guilt & fear and i control you, i am the lie that you believe and i control you I am the high you can’t sustain and i control you.
I drag you down, i use you up
– Mr Self Destruct lyrics
Depression goes hand in hand with an eating disorder. One condition can easily trigger the other. That’s what my ten minutes of Google search told me.
I am afraid that i am developing a form of eating disorder. I am not bulimic , i don’t force myself to puke after eating.
And it’s not anorexia nervosa either. I am usually satisfied with my consistent weight and i never hesitate consuming junk food and regular meals because i have gastric. So i am a normal eater who will always eat whenever i am hungry.
I am not those girls who are conscious of their body image who wants to have slim legs and perfect hour glass curves. I love my body (exception of my petite height).
I am still feeling sick of greasy oily looking food. Even just a look will force my head to turn away.
Food that i had today :
- Kiwi & Strawberries for brunch
- Blueberry waffle and Apple Carrot juice for tea break
- A big bowl of Strawberries for dinner
I know, all fruits related. And notice none of which are oily/greasy. Serve me a plate of french fries now, you will see this look of disgust on my face.
I love eating french fries, but my appetite simply rejects such thing. It doesn’t allow me to eat my usual portion of food without feeling nauseous.
Am i psychologically scarred by my recent vomitting and IV drip due to the loss of body fluids about 2 weeks ago?
I managed to hit the gym with Sachi yesterday, my first trip to the gym after so many months of procrastination & lack of time.
It feels good despite just doing simple workout but finishing the workout with sticky and sweaty skin makes me feel satisfied. I hope i can visit the gym as regular as once a week. It does take my mind away from certain dark thoughts.
Sleep wasn’t smooth last night. I found myself talking in my sleep and jolt awake, with the clock reading 3:41am. It took minutes for me to go back to sleep territory, but i ended up missing class today.
It’s the first lecture of the year and yours truly missed it. Yes, i was annoyed that i didn’t drag myself out of bed. At least i forced myself to complete one of my pending assignments today.
My fingers are aching from practising my piano pieces. The standard is still not there, it’s still troubling me.
I need a short getaway in March after prelims. I feel like escaping from people around me and stay in a resort and be alone for like 2 days. That’s something for me and my bleeding bank account to think about.
On a side note, i received a bouquet of anonymous 13 (6 white 7red) roses last night. It feels omninous , or perhaps i am thinking too much.
I have a list of suspects as to who’s the mysterious sender, but i am not going to pry anymore. I don’t deserve and i just can’t bring myself to fall in love anymore.
Depression will get in the way, and well my logic is that guys usually will run away from girls who have baggage, especially such heavy unexplainable baggage.