It’s your state of mind that interferes with your progress. You are being too hard on yourself.
I am used to being told i give myself too much pressure, i have low confidence etc.
I know i have confidence issues, i always think everything in the negative light, hence i never set any form of confidence in whatever i do, because i know i will always let myself down at the end.
Depression hits people in all directions, it affects their performance in academic , work, human interactions , romance & for my case, music as well.
First Monday of 2016 and it’s my first time hitting a breaking point over my preparation for my piano exam.
I was so disappointed with my playing that tears welled up in my eyes infront of my piano teacher who’s been teaching me for more than 10 years.
The fact that the piano exam is in mid february is not making me any less nervous and tensed up.
I always resent the fact that my mom placed me on the exam route instead of taking piano as a leisure.
I love and adore piano and music itself. I have grown attached to it and all since i was a child. But passion doesn’t last, stress can kill passion.
I get more frustrated with my inability in achieving a certain self expectation and began to dread piano lessons all in all.
And to make things worse, i am a perfectionist to my own piano playing. I will never be satisfied with my playing until it hits a certain form that i deemed “worthy for others to listen”.
I feel so unprepared, that it’s more like a dying alarm clock than music. I even imagined digging out Mozart’s remains and whine to him that i am going to fail the music piece that he composed so perfectly.
I don’t want to disappoint my family and especially my piano teacher and myself. I put in effort and time but it’s just not to the standard of “ready”.
Just a couple of weeks more to the exam and i am already in an early state of panic and there might even be a chance of me breaking down halfway through the exam, such situation scares me.
I am a loser, i know. I can’t cope with school stress, now i can’t cope with music exam stress.
Tell me, how am i going to survive worklife stress down the road? I can’t fathom the thought of surviving in the work society.
I feel worthless, useless , dumb shortstuff. I can’t find reasons that i should love myself.
Yes, i have a good family, i have good close friends some are infact supportive and understanding. I am lucky and thankful and blessed for that everyday.
But myself as an individual, i am not good. I am good for nothing basically.
My dad always say i am useless, good for nothing like my hamster (he says it in a joking manner)
But to me, those words are impactful and makes sense. I am indeed just like what he said.
I shouldn’t be alive , i am a waste of time, money and space. Crying won’t change a thing, it only makes me feel more depress and look down on myself even more.
God, please take me away. I lack the courage to end my life but i have the determination to want you to take my life away.
People out there who are better than me, deserves to live longer. They make a difference to the world to the people around them, not me.