weekend panic attack

I would like to firstly give thanks to people from around the world who favourited my posts and those who leave impactful enocouraging comments on some of my posts. 

Those are words of encouragement and i feel slightly better to receive them. Those people may be strangers from the other side of the world, but when they could relate , i feel a little less lonely. 

For that, i feel thankful and blessed. Thank you! 

Meanwhile my appetite has worsen. A plate of chicken and mushroom fusilli remained 4/5 untouched. I had a few bites and i was done. Baby sized appetite, basically. 

was mugging a few hours yesterday at Coffee Bean when i was so stressed that a panic attack kicked in. 

My hands were trembling and i started fidgeting. Despite texting my close friends to gain some distraction, it wasn’t good enough. I was feeling cornered and everything feels like it’s crumbling around me. 

Chattering around me were tune out and i keep taking deep breaths. My eyes kept roaming back and forth to my notes and i could feel the stress escalating. 

It’s been awhile since i had a panic attack, the anxiety was overwhelming and impulsive thoughts gushed through my mind. 

I needed my pills, but i didn’t bring them along. Texted Mom who came down an hour later with my pills and boy, i took them down like my life depended on them.

It’s to the point i can’t leave home without my pills after such situation. 

I calmed down minutes later and I forced myself to stop studying and spent the next few hours moody and lifeless. Went to gramps’ place for dinner but i ended up having just porridge with carrots and had zero conversation with anyone. 

I declared “feeling unwell” and laid on grandma’s bed to rest and hide from them all. 

Everything else makes me feel like puking. The sight of fish, pork , meat and even soya sauce turns my appetite off. 

I took my weight and imagine my surprise, 43.3kg . I was 46+kg two weeks ago. This wasn’t a good sign, i am losing fluids not fats (if that’s what you are thinking). 

I feel like i am on this self destruct route whereby every type of food turns me off. I am not anorexic , i wouldn’t do such harm to my stomach. It’s my appetite and i know meds do play a factor in my poor appetite. 

All i can eat as per normally are fruits and just water.

I spent my Sunday in bed almost all day, doing minimal studying of my notes. I need to get into full swing of studying and work on my pending assignments as well as drag my lazy legs to gym as well.

Hitting the gym might take a lot of despicable wicked negative self harm thoughts away. 

It’s going to be the first week of January, i need to pick myself up and start afresh. No more excuses. I have remake a brand new mask for myself to put on infront of everybody, brace through the next few months ahead i shall.

Meanwhile, i solemnly wish i have proper sleep tonight and better dreams. 

Happy healthy start to everyone out there! 

x

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