Nothing new 

Living is hard–dying is easy. You close your eyes and never open them again. What’s so difficult about that? Nothing really–except it hurts like hell to those you leave behind.

Rachel Van Dyken 

Spent my new year countdown with some of my closest friends that i am blessed to have by my side. My mood’s calm the whole night. I pushed the emotional chaos to the back of my head.

 

me on the top left

 

It was a comforting fun night despite it just being us 4, it would be better if more could join us. But nonetheless, we all make it through to 2016, toes intact & limbs attached.

Meanwhile i have this puddle of tears choking at the back waiting to leak anytime. I just feel like crying for all that has happened in 2015 that i am leaving behind.

Sometimes when you lie to convince others that you are ok, you will end up losing yourself as a whole.

I need to get my head in the game of studying. I am forcing myself to converse a bit more to my family in this new year.

I could see the relief on their faces when i converse more. At least, they are accepting the act i am putting on. The act of being ok, the act of being normal.

For now, i am suppressing. I keep everything to myself, i won’t tell a single shit of my struggles to any of them.

They can’t relate and they don’t understand.

appetite is getting bad to worse. Been eating too little, i feel so sick looking at food even when i am hungry.

Sleep isn’t doing me good either, i have been having consistent realistic nightmares that jolt me awake. It’s close to the point i cant differentiate my nightmares from reality. It’s too close.

I need a good cry. And that, might just happen tonight. Cheers to the first night of 2016.

Nothing’s new for depressives like myself.

x

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7 thoughts on “Nothing new 

  1. Sheryl you are a beautiful young lady. I know all too well about suppressing the tears. Christmas Eve was the day for me that they escaped. A bad memory.

    You are young, stronger than you know, beautiful and have so much to give. As the saying goes, Shoot for the moon, if you miss you’ll still land among stars.

    I try to counter negative thoughts with positive, it helps. Sometimes though it is has you have said, we just need to cry.

    The negatives in life help us to appreciate the positives. Enjoy love, embrace life.

    1. Thanks so much for the encouragement, i am in this current state of wanting to keep crying for all the mistakes and i feel like i am spinning out of control. I try to embrace life in this new year but it scares me that a new year could mean spinning even more out of control. Sigh . x

      1. Do what makes you happy. What are you passionate about? What will it take to succeed? You are young, embrace life. What motivates you? Hold onto it. We may not be able to change the whole world but we can change ourselves and help those around us at school, work, our communities, homes. Everyday someone needs your smile, help, love and words.

      2. I am only passionate about reading books and sleeping because sleeping temporary takes my mind off negativity, i know i am young and there’s a long road ahead of me. But yet i feel like it s overwhelming, life feels so depressing 😦 , i wish someone close to me could completely relate x

  2. Aw, man. Good thing you have caring friends, though. It’s true, there’s nothing new for depressives, even though sometimes you wear this bright, yellow and they don’t find the grayness of it all.

    1. Yeah i agree! It’s just another year, another cycle of fighting depression and hoping at the end of the year you will still be emotionally intact and stronger. Sigh! It’s an endless cycle and a never ending fight. x

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