Living is hard–dying is easy. You close your eyes and never open them again. What’s so difficult about that? Nothing really–except it hurts like hell to those you leave behind.
– Rachel Van Dyken
Spent my new year countdown with some of my closest friends that i am blessed to have by my side. My mood’s calm the whole night. I pushed the emotional chaos to the back of my head.
It was a comforting fun night despite it just being us 4, it would be better if more could join us. But nonetheless, we all make it through to 2016, toes intact & limbs attached.
Meanwhile i have this puddle of tears choking at the back waiting to leak anytime. I just feel like crying for all that has happened in 2015 that i am leaving behind.
Sometimes when you lie to convince others that you are ok, you will end up losing yourself as a whole.
I need to get my head in the game of studying. I am forcing myself to converse a bit more to my family in this new year.
I could see the relief on their faces when i converse more. At least, they are accepting the act i am putting on. The act of being ok, the act of being normal.
For now, i am suppressing. I keep everything to myself, i won’t tell a single shit of my struggles to any of them.
They can’t relate and they don’t understand.
appetite is getting bad to worse. Been eating too little, i feel so sick looking at food even when i am hungry.
Sleep isn’t doing me good either, i have been having consistent realistic nightmares that jolt me awake. It’s close to the point i cant differentiate my nightmares from reality. It’s too close.
I need a good cry. And that, might just happen tonight. Cheers to the first night of 2016.
Nothing’s new for depressives like myself.