An unforgiven boxing day 

This is the fifth year. The fifth boxing day since something happened in the family that changed a significant part of my life forever. 

Every year, without fail since then. I make sure 26/12 boxing day i am occupied and distracted. 

Five years is a long time. People say time heal all wounds. But even if time does heal my guilt, it doesn’t fade away from memory. 

There were numerous times since then i thought of punishing myself by inking that date onto my skin, so that i will live with it forever.

I had a quiet christmas this year, just me cooping myself at home and having a quiet (solemn, to be exact) dinner with my mother. 

She’s been trying (or rather, surviving) to be as normal as she can and treat me the best she could, tolerating my cold, aloof , fucked up depressed attitude. 

I know i am a great disappointment for the past year and this year hasn’t been any much better. I can’t be a better daughter, neither can i be a better person for the sake of my family, friends & myself. 

I just keep constantly letting myself down and everyone who loves me. There’s so much pain and disappointment swirling around, i am truly sorry for being such a troubling, good for nothing useless human being. 

Spent boxing day with WRY (We’Re Young) clique, a big gathering with an almost perfect attendance.

There was plenty of drinking, i let myself embasked in the world of alcohol (mainly neat) letting the whisky burn my throat. 

I went home tipsy and i knew, sitting right there on my desk is a bag filled with containers of pills. 

Clomipramine and Pinazepam these two, i could overdose and die especially with alcohol running fresh in my system. 

The thought of dying was tempting, i wanted it all to an end. To end my life without answers. 

I thought about my close friends, i pondered about my life, i wished i wasn’t haunted by things that i can’t bring myself to forget. 

Mistakes can be forgiven but it can’t be forgotten. 

I look at the happy faces of my friends, i can’t bring them to the dark place in my mind. 

Whenever they ask about me, all i can tell them are lies. Lies that i keep feeding them , assurance that i kept convincing. 

The place i know i am in right now is dark. 

I need to shut down and i want to. There’s too much to handle, too many to begin with. I am too exhausted to cry tonight. 

x

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2 thoughts on “An unforgiven boxing day 

  1. Such a sad post. I don’t know what the incident was that has caused you such guilt but I do think you seem very hard on yourself in this post saying you are useless. No one is useless. It is so hard to love yourself when you are in the dark space you are in but I had clinical depression for 13 years and wanted to kill myself many many times, coming close one time. Thank God I did not take that irrevocable step as now all my mental health problems and addictions are in recovery and I am happier than I have ever been. http://bit.ly/1ER5cLY

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