Almost to nothing

11:25am I woke up with a start. My head pounding , my heart racing. It’s Sunday. End of another week, another day closer to 2016.

I have an upcoming Marketing test that i have yet to even get started on revising. 
5 chapters to digest but i did nothing other than sat on my bed the entire day. So much for being productive.

My thoughts churned in my stomach. I started thinking abt piano exam and my school exams that’s taking place in May. The dates for each module have been released, LSE is efficient for that matter.

I started to comtemplate about my life , about how i actually let time pass me by the whole of today.

Plagued with exhaustion and zero motivation, i took a long nap at 3:30pm. By the time i force myself out of bed, it was already dinnertime.

I wasn’t hungry nor am i even hungry at the moment as i blog. I feel full, full with thoughts and disappointment in myself.

I know. Right now i could be mugging. But i am not . Instead, i am complaining how negative and disappointed i am while i could make myself useful and study.

This is one of the days i just don’t have the strength or willpower to do something productive. 

This is one of the days i feel like a patient in the hospital living on the life machine and waiting for someone to pull the plug. 

This is one of the days i am in the dark place, embracing the dark just like it had always embrace me.

This is one of the days i am so ready to give up my life and give myself to death. 

On the side note, i did really well the past few days. I managed to get through by occupying my mind with other things.

YY loved her X’mas present that she teared,  i hope YZ and Koey like theirs as well too.   

with HB

 

Attended the Cinderella musical with HB and it was magical. The music and dialogues surrounded me with postivity, believing in miracles and take life with a leap of faith. 

For that moment, i wanted to believe in positivity.

But unfortunately for a depressed person like me , depression has brainwashed me positivity is nothing but a poison in disguise.

It’s only 8:51pm but i am heading back to sleep territory before i succumb to ugly crying for the night. 

x

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