It takes Paxidorm , Clomipramine & Nordaz to put me to sleep. I usually fall asleep almost immediately as soon as they take effect.
But i can’t control my dreams. I have unhappy to awful dreams every night. And i find myself jolting awake hours before the alarm is set to go off.
I feel insecure, i feel the anxieties clouding my mind when i woke up. I started thinking whether am i forgetting something important.
I noticed the change in my appetite this week, i stopped eating proper meals. I couldn’t stomach the usual portion of food, it’s like i am hungry but i will be full after a few bites.
People tend to say playing a music instrument will make you relax and take your mind away.
It depends, honestly.
It doesn’t work for me. I play the piano and i am set to sit for a practical exam in february, around the same time as my sch prelims.
I still can’t master one of my exam pieces to perfection & i feel even more depressed, stressful and self-loathing of my capabilities.
I feel like there’s nothing i am good at. I am not academically intelligent, i struggle with everything in my life basically. Struggle with school work, music , friends and even family.
Such a disappointment. A perfectly imperfect human being who’s not good at anything except self-loathe.
I give up on the “You need to love yourself” goal. I can’t find anything about me that is worth loving.
Why am i still alive? Why do some good people die so early and yet people like me is still alive on this planet?