A year ago, i caved in to visiting my psychiatrist and rely on pills to keep my emotions and thoughts under control.
I build up strength in my inner self to overcome the little menacing demons that resided in my mind.
I fought for months, hard and ugly. They managed to lay off for a few months and they came back with a stronger defense and bigger army in October.
I blame myself for letting it happen so easily, it’s not just the environment around me being condusive for depression to manifest. A part of me just feel, it’s easier to let depression consume me.
Putting up a mental fight requires more than just support from friends and family. It’s more of your own willpower and limit. And one will know their breaking point only when they hit rock bottom.
There are days where the bad thoughts and demons go on a “vacation” , they spare me a night or two that allow me to grab as much energy and postivity as i could.
But it was all a trick to letting my guard down. They jump back on me the moment i turn my back away, extinguishing all positive vibes out of me. Leaving me, bare and alone- hollow.
The demons are always there watching, waiting. They split themselves in teams. Some are the watchers, gatekeepers, influencers- mostly the destroyers .
And when i surrender, that’s all they need. I find myself cooking pots of unexpected outbursts, anger, ugly crying, anything that spells damaging to my emotional state and health.
I am lost , i am in a wandering state, trying to find courage and hope to build up my strength again, hoping for the second time when i fight, i won’t give myself to the demons forever.