I don’t wanna kill myself, i wanna kill the part of me that wants to kill myself.
Went to visit my doctor a few days ago, I am given 6 pills to take a day, 3 in the day, 3 in the night.
It’s a lot, dreadful for me.
I doze off faster recently, exhaustion probably attribute to it and the crying episodes have minimised. It’s like i found a button to suppress the verge of wanting to lay in one corner and cry.
Or maybe the idea of the pills are working being hammered into my mind.
Here’s the bad side.
I find myself waking up in terror again. For a couple of days i jolt awake thinking i overslept and missed class when the clock greeted me with a 3+am / 4+am timing.
Otherwise i’d be awake suddenly with a gush of panic running through my mind as though i am forgetting something important relating to school work.
& i couldn’t fall back asleep, find myself staring at the ceiling instead.
I keep having bad dreams, some are really bad to the point where it messes with my state of mind and mood the entire day.
I spent time arguing with the voices in my head, fighting the thoughts manifested in my mind. I wonder will i lose my sanity or develop personality disorder down the road.
The pattern is repeating again. I no longer engage conversations with my family. I just speak when necessary. I find myself bridging the distance and still attempting to bridge it further.
I just want to face it alone.
Whatever they are doing, it’s not helping. It in turns irritates me and makes me even more useless and good for nothing.
I keep feeling this unspoken pressure to live up to people’s expectations as well as my own.
So far, it has been nothing but a letdown and disappointment.
The only thing i am good at is being depress and being negative.
Is there a job that requires a person to stay depressive and negative around the clock? If so, sign me up.
There’s not even an atom of optimism in me with regards of my view on my life and future.
If there’s anything i look forward to in my mind right now, it’s for death to claim me. I feel like a waste of time and space for my family.
I am tired of fighting the negativity. I am tired of assuring people around me. It’s all lies, lies that people want to see and expect and i am painting it for them.