When you have depression, there are days you just want to be alone. You just want to isolate away from people. Stay safely indoors.
Who likes being misunderstood? Not him, not her, not you & certainly not me.
I feel angry yet helpless at the same time when friends around me who don’t know i am depressive, they get judgmental when i can’t turn up / join outings.
They turn their backs and put in their opinion, weigh their unhappiness and disappointment on me.
I find myself internally screaming at them and cursing myself.
I am not a people person. I am not an outgoing engaging extrovert, i am a selective introvert.
Depression makes you want to die. It constantly sets you on the edge, pushing your buttons constantly.
I become more withdrawn, i show less interest in activities that require me to talk, socialise and put on a happy face which i have grown increasingly tired of doing.
I am tired of selecting masks on the shelves to put on infront of people. I can truly go without a mask when i am safe and alone in my own space.
Sure, we can’t blame them completely when they do not know the details. But surely we should be spared from their judgmental (not to mention, hurtful) opinions.
Depression & other disorders makes us lose three types of friends.
#1. The ones who feels that depression is a contagious disease, they categorise you as the “you are sick stay away from me” person. And they walk out because they don’t want to be associated with you. They fear you might take a chopper knife and kill them if you go out of control.
#2. The ones who can’t handle depression and other forms of disorder. Their excuse? “I don’t know how to deal with people who have that”. They will slowly distance themselves , and gradually leave you.
#3. The ones who judge when they don’t know shit. They start coming up with their own form of conclusion. And these are the ones whom make you realise it’s better to not let them know. Because they might end up using your disorder against you.
Hence, the more i want to push people further away from me. I know how vulnerable i became and i know this means i am easily ruined by people that i thought were good enough to be my “friends”.
I feel sorry for people who did not realise nor thought of a possible reason why a friend of theirs may suddenly become more withdrawn. It didn’t occur in their minds nor do they give a damn.
It doesn’t matter even if it didn’t occur to you. But the least you could do is not fart bullshit behind the backs of those are fighting their dark demons and jump into your own form of conclusion.
It’s not easy for us to tell people what we are facing, what we are fighting.