Definitely maybe 

Too much tears, too much crying for the past two nights. I am feeling so exhausted.

I don’t feel ok. The cycle of taking those pills every day & night is not going easy on me. I feel more sick than last year. My thoughts are more lethal. 

Maybe it’s my body adapting to the pills, the emotional side effects just happen to hit me badly. Maybe this maybe that. Maybe it will get better. Maybe not. Maybe never.

Maybes. 

I am even more sensitive to my emotions than before. I end up crying as soon as my emotional walls weaken / when someone questions my emotional state. 

I used to not be the kind of person who cries easily, but now? I find myself trying to fight back my tears in vain more times than i imagined. 

I know my family is trying to help in their own ways, i know they are concern. 

The more they worry, the more i shut them away, the more burdensome i feel. All i’d ever done well in this life is letting them worry. 

My conversations with them never go past more than a yes/no/mm answer. I never focus or eye-contact with them, i always look at anywhere else but the eyes.

I just couldn’t look at them in the eye anymore. I wish they could ignore me or give up on me. It would be so much easier.

Part of me thought about the future. I am relying on pills while i am coping with university stress. How am i going to survive work stress in this society? 

I am going to end up being one of those people who jump off bridges / buildings due to stress from work. 

People tend to say things like “You will learn to manage your stress better.” “You need to cope well with pressure.” 

Don’t say this kind of easy statement to people who are fighting depression. Don’t do that.

It’s easy to give advice, it’s easy to tell someone “to be stronger”. 

Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Walk in that person’s shoes for five miles at least, before giving your opinion/ judgement. 

Stress is just a factor that attributes to depression.There are people out there who actually cope well with stress but gets diagnose with depression due to other reasons.

I found out i developed noise sensitivity recently, prone to getting immensely irritated with certain noises like classroom chattering / the sound of sweeping by a broom / dragging of the slippers. 

These noises used to not pose a problem to me. But now hearing them can easily put me on the edge and anger would slowly stir in my brain.

It’s like sandpaper rubbing by my brain kinda thing. 

I actually went to googled about noise sensitivity, it can be triggered by anxiety disorders / stress / emotional exhaustion / depression. 

x

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3 thoughts on “Definitely maybe 

  1. I was depressed today and my teacher basically called me out in class and told me to deal with it. That’s the difference between people who deal with depression and people who don’t. Those who do experience it know it well enough that IF the other person could “just deal with it”, they would have. Doesn’t that sound crazy how some people thinks it’s so f*cking easy. I am sorry sweetie. Hugs.

    1. Omg i hate it when people say things like “deal with it” , “get over it” . They know depression but they have no idea how it feels to have depression.

      Saying is easy for them, if it’s that easy to deal, people like us would have walk out of it long time ago. Hang in there dear! I am here for you too if you need me! 🙂
      x

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