Maybe stars can fix me

 
I love star gazing, i can spend minutes sitting on my bed leaning against my bedside window and stare up into the dark sky, lost in the stars. 

The last time i star gazed by my bedside window was in April, there were so many stars, i was so amaze and happy that i actually started crying. 

IKR. Who actually cry over seeing so many stars? 

The only one who knew i cried over the amount of stars i saw was Kris. i remembered that night i bombarded him with messages about the stars . It was a rare beautiful sight.

Unfortunately my phone camera can’t capture the sight, but that night will remain in my heart always. 

I find myself sitting in my room in darkness, hoping to see some stars again the sky, but they are all clouded, hidden away from sight.

There’s something amazing about stars. Seeing stars stir butterflies in my stomach and it makes me sad and warmth at the same time.

On a side note,I can’t run away from reality, i can’t deny the fact that i am falling back into the darker side of depression. 

I wish my family could understand that depression is not that simple at all. I wish they realise my thoughts are killing me. And their expectations and incapability to handle depression make things worse. 

I wish they know how deadly, poisonous and violent my thoughts can get, how much anger and unhappiness i have suppressed inside me.

I wish they know all this time is just a facade , it’s just to give them what they expect me to be so that they can leave me alone.

I wish they know that “think positive” is not as easy as learning abc . Depression is a disease of thoughts, it’s not a curable thing overnight. 

I am tired of pretending to be ok. The mask is coming loose and i am not fixing it.  

If only they walk through the thoughts in my mind for the past few months. If only they stop demanding me to be happy. 

I wish if only. 

If only they can see the demons in me that i see everyday. 

I have ran out of Happy Sheryl masks. 

x

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2 thoughts on “Maybe stars can fix me

  1. Going to a Halloween block party was not planned in advance.

    Countless people suffer from depression, we have to decide to be happy, make a choice. There will be days when circumstances and triggers make it resurface. When have to learn how to fight it and win.

    Creating does not have to destroy. We can create happy days, moments and enjoy them.

    1. I always try to fight the demons, but they never fail to take over my mind . Sigh, it’s so hard to keep fighting, there are days you just give in to the demons and let them rule your mind and day.

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