The act of caring 

I never have heart-to-heart talks with my parents, let alone confide in them about personal matters like relationships, self etc. 

They are not the sort of people who knows how to deal with certain matters. Just because they are aged adults, it doesn’t mean they are experienced enough to provide the right advice. 

Advice doesn’t go according with age, it comes with experience. 

Numerous times i tried confiding in my mom about things around me, but it always fail. I gave up confiding in her , usually giving her just the gist of it, omitting details.

I have been increasingly moody and stressful due to lack of sleep and school work, ending up having a short fuse and get angry at almost any trivia thing at home.

Mom’s way of concern is not giving advice. She buys material items for me, hoping that i will revert to being her ideal kind of “happy sheryl”. 

I know from her perspective as a parent would want to buy any item that the child wants within their means, to keep their child happy. And seeing their child happy, they’d be happy too. That’s a fraction of a parent’s way of showing their love.

I know that. 

But mom doesn’t realise material items is not the solution to everything. It’s not going to make my stress evaporate and it will not make me happy. 

If i am still a young kid and she gets me a toy that i want, yes i will be overjoyed. I will forget every atom of sadness i had and the new toy will have my full attention. 

I am an adult with trouble from sleeping, with increasing stress from school. Instead of feeling happy after receiving a gift card to buy an accessory that i have been considering since June (not wanting to buy yet because i felt it’s too expensive to own it), i felt additional stress and this unspoken expectation coming from her upon accepting the gift card.

It feels like the gift card comes with a price and a reminder. 

“I am giving you this gift card in exchange you must be happy.”

“Now i give what you want, you should stop feeling stress and moody.”

“You are acting out so i am giving you this gift card ,so be back to normal.”

“You have no reason to not be happy now.”

Yes, these are the thoughts i feel from receiving the gift card. It’s not what my mom said, but i just felt that was her message behind the gift card. 

I feel even more unhappy than i already am, and i don’t even want to use the gift card. 

I am depressed , angry , unhappy and have paranoia and anxiety wrapped around my head. 

Is material items going to make them go away? Hell no. I can’t be happy this way . Material items is just good for the eyes, for sentimental value (if there is) and nothing else.

With just two hours and a little more of sleep last night, i am more moody and unhappy than the past few days. 

Atarax is not able to fight my thoughts in the night.



2 thoughts on “The act of caring 

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