Almost ground zero 

Caught little sleep despite resume taking Atarax, i let unhealthy thoughts takeover last night.

Dragged my tired ass to school, i nearly dozed off during lecture, fighting sleep in my eyes is an exhausting task. 

I could feel my stress and anxiety levels escalated and i felt so nauseous. I went dead silent when Mom asked if i need to visit my psychiatrist again. 

The thought of going through the sessions makes me feel like i am voluntarily reopening my own pandora’s box of bad shit. 

And i know, that will mean having to take more pills every day. There’s still time, there’s still breathing space in my bubble. 

I feel slightly more vulnerable each day and the paranoia is getting a little ahead. I feel that the mask i have been putting on is loose and may fall off anytime. 

I have to assure my family, i have to assure everybody that i got it. Everything is under control, i am stronger than last year. 

Or maybe all of this is just a lie. I am not stronger than i am last year. Assuring others and ending up lying to myself in the process. 

Maybe it’s true, there’s no walking out of this mess. 

I know i can’t continue going on little sleep daily, there’s a limit to how much my body can go on physically. 

I hope my body will give in to Atarax again soon, i need proper adequate sleep. My body is screaming tired every morning.  

The thoughts of dying visiting again. They need to go away. 

x

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