Disquietude 

 

It has been a peaceful weekend, i managed to get through my weekend without any crying episode. First time in so many months. 

Even though i still continue to sleep less than three hours each night, not having crying episode makes a difference, it makes me lean a little towards having normal nights again. 

My definition of a normal night is not crying in the dark. 

Poetry therapy is probably worth crediting. It kept me occupied the whole day, dark thoughts weren’t given a chance to fill the train of thoughts. 

But one can’t take things for granted and demand too much right? 

Feels like karma is going to bite me back in the upcoming week. 

Looking at couples on social media , a part of me is telling me that i should find someone to fall for again.

I should get to know more guys but there are questions going off in my mind. 

  • Will they run away immediately after realising i am mentally vulnerable?
  • Will they understand? 
  • Will they reject friendship?

I am afraid. Even to my own guy friends who don’t know, when i think about the possible reactions they would have. I am afraid they will avoid, find it awkward to hang out with me , to even talk to me if i tell them about my mental health.

You start off by telling people around you how is your mental health , what you are fighting and cross your fingers hoping they won’t judge or let alone walk out on you. 

The stigma of depression and other mental illness / disorder. There are people who get discriminated because of their mental health. 

Having depression is like a sign of personal weakness. That’s how depressed people start social distancing themselves. I did social distance myself for a short period of time too.

There are people who labelled me and (unintentionally, perhaps) used my condition against me. I don’t blame them.

It’s just funny how people can tactlessly use my mental health against me. Yes their words do have an impact on me.

It doesn’t matter whether you have a shield or not. As long as you are mentally vulnerable, all unkind words said are going against you and ready to take your mind down. 

Their words against your dissection of their meaning behind those words.  

It scares me, the thought of telling friends who don’t know what i am facing.

The thought of them possibly walking out and avoid me is horrifying. 

And what scares me even more?

Those friends who know already might walk out anytime when they are tired / annoyed of me and my thoughts. 

I need to stop scaring myself, for now. 

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