When the feeling sinks in

 

dog-tired, my eyes feel sore. That’s what happens when you keep crying for the past few nights. Last night i felt a surge of sadness and agonising thoughts flooded my mind, and the tears tap went off. 

I am weary from wallowing in tears and sadness and depressing thoughts. I tried countless times to toss bad thoughts to the back of my mind, filter, care less. 

It doesn’t happen, my mind conveniently omits the function of filtering bad thoughts. 

I wake up every morning and the cycle of weariness and sadness continues. 

I worry about anything. Just like yesterday. Did i off the charging phone switch? What if the plug overheats and explode? What if someone was home and the explosion is the person’s cause of death?  

Right now i am worrying about my abdominal pain and the complexity of my lecture contents for today.

It’s like, i have to find something to worry everyday. If not i’d be incomplete. Sheryl who doesn’t worry today is an incomplete Sheryl. 

Worry x Anxiety x Paranoia are family, they come together in a package. Anxiety and Depression are soulmates, they live off on each other. 

I am thankful it’s finally friday, i want to spend the quiet weekend indoors and study. And i really need to sleep in during the day, the only way of catching up on my sleep.

J.Y is still asking me out for a date. I just can’t for now. Not that i’d expect him to understand since he doesn’t know things about me, i am certain he would give up once he realise i am too busy to go out with him. In fact, i hope he give up asking soon, so i wouldn’t feel too bad for not going out with him. 

A month since i (officially) ended a brief relationship with Kes, the thought of him and even his name feels odd. I don’t listen to songs that reminds me of him or us anymore either. 

It’s not a terrible bad break-up, but there will always be bitterness in a break-up. This latest relationship isn’t any exception. I don’t wish to see him when he’s back for winter break nor do i want to speak to him. 

To put it even more bluntly, my feelings for him have been extinguished. I broke his heart , but in this process i broke mine as well. 

People tend to think the one who initiated the break definitely won’t feel sad, won’t be heartbroken. That’s wrong, yes the one who initiated is mentally prepared to catch the other party offguard, but hearing the reaction of the other party is also painful. 

You could end up hearing angry words, words the other party choose to say to hurt you back out of fury because they got hurt by the break-up words.

Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.

Words from the other party hurts as much as the break-up words that you spill. Understanding and Empathy these two words temporary vaporise when a break-up is initiated. 

And words once spilled, can’t be taken back. 

x

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