Episode X 

I was seated on my bed thinking about life and people then it hit me. I started tearing minutes later.

I feel like i have fallen deeper into this all so familiar dark hole and i am never be able to get out of it ever again. 

And i will die struggling. The constant struggling with life will wear me out and eventually i will get sick of it and put an end. 

I know i am trying to delay from facing the fact that it’s unravelling faster every passing week.

How do you tell your family that you are not better or healed at all, you are actually spinning backwards, everything that went off the radar is showing up again , and wanting to die has been the thought of the day for weeks already? 

I don’t feel like telling my family about it. They don’t understand what goes on in the mind of a depressive. I dropped subtle hints to my mom a few times but she didn’t get it. 

It’s getting tougher putting on a mask infront of my family portraying that i am ok, that i am back as before, that i am completely normal, the old me. 

Because yes, you read it. I put on a mask everyday, every weekend when i see them. Nobody in the family knows that behind closed doors i am still consuming meds. 

As far as they know, i have no more meds and i have recovered. 

Those are just lies i painted and fed them. Give them what they want, they will take it. Give them normal old Sheryl, they will take it without suspecting.

That’s this unspoken expectation that i am supposed to recover immediately the moment i am on summer break. 

They need me to be normal again especially my mom, i just paint a normal me and portray that part well, nobody suspects a thing. 

I know they don’t know how to exactly make me feel better. I could feel the awkwardness and uncomfortable feeling during that period. 

Hence, i choose this way. I’d rather play it off everything’s fine, and deal with it behind their backs. They are my family, i know they will worry and i don’t want them to.

I am just worried, there will come a time where an episode might happen infront of them. 

I am treading on eggshells aren’t i? 

I shall make an appointment with my psychiatrist in mid / end October. For now, keeping things under control as long as i can.

I thought of Fuzzbutt, my hamster that was with me during my early stages of depression, despite it had already passed on in December, i missed it so much that my heart aches still. 

It was the only family member i had by my side daily that i needn’t put on a mask. 

Is there visiting hours on the other side of the rainbow bridge? 

I wish the crying would stop. But everytime i think about things, the tears would leak and sleep would never come. 

x

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